10 months since going NC with toxic parents...(EXTREMELY LONG!(

[WeReallyNeedAThunderstorm]

I decided to have a period away from my toxic parents in September last year after realising that they will never change and that I needed time to deal with the fact that they will never be the parents that I want.

My dad was always very cold, distant, critical and angry. He basically gave me the silent treatment throughout my whole childhood - would never talk to me or acknowledge my presence even when I went up to him and asked him something. The only "feedback" I would get from him would be criticisms and angry outbursts. He would say to my mum that we (me and my DB) were "her children" and that he never wanted us. He would say that we were not intellectually capable to engaging with him as he was into classical music and had gone to university and we would not understand things like "he did". He had an extremely short fuse and would blow up over the smallest thing - and it didn't matter where it was. It happened A LOT at home but I remember the humiliation of him going crazy in public places (the looks people would give us were a picture). He was very controlling, would not let my mum have friends round for dinner, wouldn't let her have a car, financially controlling etc.

My mum was not much better in that not only did she facilitate my dad in his behaviour - she has gaslighted to me my whole life about his behaviour. She will deny that events and things have been said etc. But she has always taken out her frustrations out on me. She is very passive aggressive, never listens to me, doesn't respect my boundaries or my body, says the most insensitive things (I confided in her after my DD was born that I had been raped in my early twenties, the memories had been triggered after the birth) and she said that people who get raped have themselves to blame.

Every now and then, when my mum was having a bad time with dad she would confide in me and confess the truth. Like how sad she was that he never allowed her to have the dinner parties with friends that she wanted, that he should never have had kids, that he was a terrible father (and he knows it). At Christmas a couple of years ago, he flew into a rage after the internet connection failed and came down to where me, my mum and toddler DD were and started screaming and shouting and being very aggressive. I was very scared and upset and told my mum it was unacceptable that he behaves like this around us and particularly my DD. So she went upstairs to have a word with him. He flew into the most crazy rage, he sounded psychotic. After a while I started to hear my mum whimpering and saying "Please stop, your hurting me" and she was crying.

When she came down she was upset but didn't want to talk about it. The next morning the sleeve of her dressing gown slipped down her arm to reveal a huge bruise, I asked her where she had got it from and she said that the day before when my dad was going mental he lunged at her (she said that he didn't hit her but she had to step back because his eyes "were gone" and he looked "crazy" and that she thought that if he had of touched her he would have killed her) and that she had fallen backwards and landed on her arm. She then confided in me with his anger issues, that he is a crap dad, that she can't leave him because she has no money and that generally "they get on very well" and that he has been quite good (i.e. not losing the plot like this) for awhile.

The day after this he books a 5 star holiday in the sun with her and everything is rosy with her again.

My view is very much that I am a product of domestic violence. NO ONE in my family agrees with me. My mum simply will not listen to me, and denies it all. I acknowledge she must have a very difficult time with him etc but it is so frustrating that she doesn't acknowledge anything I say. She says I make things up, that I am too sensitive, that I am an anxious person because "I was born that way". I am angry with her because she allowed as a mother to let my dad behave in this way towards me whilst I was growing up, to condone it, to deny to my face most of the time that it happened, her passive aggressiveness, her rudeness.

Whenever I would see or spend time with them, I would feel extreme anxiety to the run up, duration and aftermath of being in their presence and that is why I decided to go NC. I had not originally intended it to go on for as long as it has but I still have no desire to meet up with them.

I have an older brother, who was always very much the golden child. I think my dad found it a lot easier to have a son than a daughter as he would take him to car shows and cricket matches etc. With my mum, he can do no wrong and she always took his side. I've spoken to my brother about my parents and why I have gone NC and he says that he respects my opinion but categorically does not agree that any of it constitutes emotional abuse or domestic violence. He just says that they are who they are. Even though my brother hasn't really done anything to me, I still can't face up seeing my parents to such an extent that I have decided to not attend his wedding this year simply because I cannot bear facing them there too and it depresses me that my relationship with my brother will now be affected by this too.

In many ways what I really want is just an acknowledgment from them, any of them, that what I am talking about happened and that I have a legitimate right to feel upset about it.

I am so sorry this is as long as it is. It helps to get it all out. I hope that this will get easier. I suppose I have feelings of guilt and shame about going NC, that everyone in my family (including extended who I haven't seen for years anyway) all think I'm the crazy one, that I am being selfish. But I feel I am doing this for myself and also for the sake of my DD.

Does it get easier?

[Aussiebean]

Yes. But it takes time.

You are very brave to do it in the face of so much opposition, but remember. The extended family did not know what goes on behind the closed doors of your home and many find it inconceivable tht parents would hurt their children. So it is easier on their world view not to believe it.

And as for your brother, he is just as effected but in a different way. Golden children don't always grow up to be the nicest people. But that is his look out not yours.

I have limited contact with mine. Birthday texts a few words at Christmas or an hour long cup of tea. It has taken a long time to be at leave with that. But I never doubted it was the right thing to do.

[thestamp]

Oh I am so sorry. This is a textbook abusive family situation. It's acutely painful for the ones who are not in denial (in this case, you). The sense of isolation and injustice can be so difficult. When everyone tells you you're basically imagining it... ugh. I really feel for you (and, unluckily for me, identify with you too).

It gets easier with therapy. Do you receive counselling? Could you arrange some that is focused on the feelings of pain that you have around your family dynamics? I don't think the pain goes away, but you learn to manage it and to not let is be central to your life anymore.

my biggest things were:

1. Working towards accepting that my parents and siblings were not going to change in any way and i needed to stop trying to make them see sense
   
2. disentangling my identity from them. you are not a broken person or a victim. you are someone who made it out, who now has her own family despite it all. i have worked very hard at looking at my own accomplishments and strengths more objectively, and building a picture of myself in my own mind where i'm not defined by these people and what they chose to do when i was a child.
   
3. realising that there is a temptation to fall into wanting revenge/justice, but that that is just as bad (for me) as being a rescuer. you can't save them and you can't make things right. you've really got to let them go and build a wonderful, warm, loving life for you and DD.
   

hth, not sure if it will. if nothing else, know that you aren't alone. i'm sorry it's so painful x

[Meerka]

It does but it's a damned rocky road on the way.

It does, but support makes all the difference. Have you got a supportive partner ? or a very close and trusted friend you can talk to?

A skilled therapist can help a lot if you can afford one. Therapy is not the cure and it's not for everyone but it does help a lot of people. It's a hard journey though. Revealing. Facing some of the emotions is extremely difficult, sometimes.

Toxic Parents is a good book to read. there's a lot of interesting stuff in it and it's easy to read ... though also sometimes hard to read becuase some of it hits home.

Also give yourself time to be angry and also to grieve for the loss of the ideal of parents. We want them to be loving, strong and in the end to set us sailing ahead without holding us back. Not having parents like that is somethign to come to terms with.

The good news is that becuase you're facing what happened, you have a very good chance of working out their effect on you and seeing if you yoruself have adopted any of their behaviour patterns, specially your mother's. It's amazing how subtly they can creep in. Facing this stuff gives you the chance to assess thigns and to choose how you will react to people and situations better.

In the end you can reach a sort of peace. Maybe the sadness / anger will never quite fade but it can diminish a lot.


Good luck.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Just reading your story makes me feel anxious, your dad must have been terrifying for you as a child and the whole time you must have been on eggshells. That's no way to live. Your mum can't admit it as the whole edifice of her life would come collapsing down. I wouldn't blame you if you were very angry and also never saw them again, they made you feel bad for existing as a child (which you couldn't help!) and it is not ok to make a little child feel that way:(

I hope you find some peace with this too, I suspect it will be far away from them.

[Hissy]

My love it will get easier.

What you have to work towards is removing the need for their approval/validation of what has happened, and of how you feel.

Think about it, they never gave your feelings a first, let alone second thought, what makes you think they will now?

If you can, try and see if you can do some therapy to exorcise these feelings,the anger, hurt, sadness etc.

You have a right to your feelings, no matter how big they get.

If you can't do therapy, you can always talk to us. Some of us know whhat you're going through and are here to help.