What do I do if I bump into someone who doesn't like me? long story - question at end.

[whyamicrapatfriends]

There is a friend of a friend, call her A. I've known A for many years as we have this mutual friend and we've been at the same group stuff quite a few times, including nights out, parties, weekends away etc. We've always been friendly enough when circumstances bring us together. A has just moved to my town and lives a few streets away. I invited her over, or out for a drink, 2 or 3 times and she always said no because she was busy with the move/Xmas etc. So then I left the ball in her court. Didn't hear from her. OK, I thought, never mind, I get the message.

We met at something organised by our mutual friend recently and she was talking about all the town pubs and hangouts and what they do (her and her boyfriend). We chatted for a while, and were laughing about this and that, and I was telling her about other places and stuff. It all seemed very friendly. Then I suggested that she and her boyfriend come out with me and my boyfriend one night. She immediately went cold, said that when they go out they like to go up to London, not locally' and that was the end of that. OK, I get the message, but I don't get why. We've always got on in a group setting. It seems weird to be so unfriendly about meeting up for a quick drink in a local pub she'd just told me they go to.

So...long story...and here's the question. She clearly does NOT want to socialise with me and OH. That's fine, her choice. But what do I do if I walk into local pub or somewhere and she is there? Say brief hello and walk on? (and then go back to being all friendly friendly at our mutual friend's stuff? Just feels weird). Invite them to join us (it just seems so rude not to but on the other hand she obviously wouldn't really want to).

[ChuffMuffin]

Smile, say hi and carry on. That's what I'd do. :).

[Larrytheleprechaun]

Stop asking her. For whatever reason she doesn't want to meet and thats up to her. Just be say hello, how are you both, hope you enjoy your night and walk on.

[Larrytheleprechaun]

Be polite I meant to say, sorry, hunger getting the better of me!

[ChuffMuffin]

oops pressed send too soon! I wouldn't invite her to any events after how she reacted last time though. In situations with your mutual friend, again I'd be friendly but non committal, if that makes sense!

[whyamicrapatfriends]

Oh I've got the message loud and clear so won't be inviting her to anything else. I only did last time as she was being so chatty and friendly I thought maybe I'd got the wrong message before, and she genuinely had been too busy and not making excuses.

I just can't get my head round being all friendly in a group setting, and unfriendly out of that.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

React the same as anyone else you vaguely know. Acknowledge existence then move swiftly on.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Friendly in a group setting = being sociable. She can dot around between you and others A night out with you specifically means being solely in your company. She likes you but she doesn't like you that much. No biggie really, is it?

[missimperfect]

It might not be an issue with you, it might be with your boyfriend or with hers. Or who knows. Just smile and carry on.

[whyamicrapatfriends]

Oh hell, I was afraid of outing myself, but what difference does it make. Here's the whole story.

She moved to town. I did ask out about 2/3 times. I was rebuffed. Whether for genuine reasons or excuses, I don't know.

About 6 months after that we went to something arranged by mutual friend that involved an overnight stay. Me and A arranged to share a hotel room. Large event, lots of people. We didn't stick together throughout the evening. I went to bed late, very very very drunk. At a point in my life where I was dealing with all sorts of shit and looking back it was effecting me mentally. For some reason when I got back to room I had a weird anger/upset/crying/ranting fit in the bathroom. For ages. Saying some peculiar and awful things about A for reasons I can't imagine now, other than I was projecting a hell of a lot on to her. I can roughly remember the sort of things I said and it's not anything that's true or that I believe at all. It was my own problems coming out in a strange way. I came out into dark bedroom and went to bed. I was sure I had gone to room before her. I can't remember if I went into the bedroom before the bathroom. Of course, she was there when I woke up, I'd pretty much passed out and didn't remember her getting back.

Now I get cold sweats wondering if she was there in bed all the time and heard me. She would be horribly offended if she was.

Which might explain things. But then...maybe she wasn't.

If she was I'd like to apologise, not so that then we could be friends, but because I was talking a load of crap that came from too much alcohol and being mentally not in a good place at that point. It really all was nothing to do with her, it was all about me, I just can't explain why I ranted on about her. I like her. I hate to think that I'd hurt or offended her and that she thinks I meant it.

But there's no way I can bring it up. If she wasn't there, it'll be really awkward. Even asking if I've ever offended her, sounds snarky.

[Shesparkles]

I think you have to assume that she heard you, and let it go. Do as she's done and be chatty and sociable in a group situation, but let go of any idea of anything beyond that.
This might sound harsh, but it's often said that true thoughts and feelings come out when someone's under the influence of alcohol, when our inhibitions are relaxed, so even if you were in a bad place when you said them (and for what it's worth I do totally understand and believe what you're saying about you acting in a way which was out of character for you at that time), but if she did overhear you, I think it's unlikely that she would accept your reasoning.
I'm sure you have plenty other friends, don't let this eat you up, it doesn't do you any good at all

[TalcumPowder]

Well, that completely changes the dynamic. You could always send her a note explaining and apologising, but to be perfectly honest, OP, from what you say about your frightening-sounding angry drunken fit where you said 'peculiar and awful' things about A, I wouldn't want to go near someone who sounds quite out of control when drinking. Even if they apologised. If she was there, it must have been frightening to be stuck with a ranting, crying drunk in a hotel room.

Maybe she feels safe with you in company at big events, but doesn't want to go drinking with you, having seen how you react to a lot of alcohol?

Also, why didn't you apologise the next morning?

[BranchingOut]

Well, that's a bit different to the problem in the first post - but never mind!

I think we have all done things to embarrass ourselves at times. I truly cringe at some of the things I have done. But I think that you have to be kind to yourself and let it go.

It sounds to me as if she wasn't in the bed all along. I am sure that you would have noticed, because human beings always make some kind of noise or movement. We 'know' when someone else is in a room or close to us. Also, any kind of ranting would have surely been a bit 'muffled' anyway.

[TalcumPowder]

If the OP was that drunk, Branching, she may not have noticed a brass band in the hotel room, far less someone in bed trying not to draw attention to herself! And even if the ranting wasn't intelligible, it's perfectly possible A picked up on her name coming up all the time, or was simply scared and appalled by the OP's angry crying and talking to herself...?

[BranchingOut]

Of course if A did hear it, then it is a differently situation entirely.

But it sounds as if she was not there.

OP came out of the bathroom - room was dark and she thinks the room was empty.

OP doesn't remember A coming in.

It was a lively party and it sounds unlikely that A would have gone for an early night and tucked herself entirely silently into bed in the dark.

A was there when she woke up in the morning.

The simplest explanation is that A was not there and that the OP's self-consciousness about what happened is making her think 'oh, what if....' eg. that she might have been there.

[whyamicrapatfriends]

I have no idea if she was there or not. That's why I didn't apologise at the time.

It took a couple of days for me to think, oh God, what if I wasn't alone. I am 90% sure she wasn't there when I went back to the room. But she could have come in while I was in the bathroom?

Or maybe she wasn't there at all.

See, I can't talk to her about it. She pretty obviously wasn't interested in being friends before this anyway, and that's ok. I just feel really bad about the possibility that she heard me.

[WildBillfemale]

smile. nod and move on - this is beating a dead horse

[VitoCorleone]

Well, if she was there and did hear all that its no surprise that she doesn't want to go out drinking with you.

However, if she had been there and had heard all that would she even be civil with you at social events? Id think she would avoid you.

In any case, if you see her when out id just smile, say hello and leave it at that, do not put her on the spot and invite her to come and sit with you, that would make things even more awkward.