Tension - Mum getting me down since pregnancy

[BouncyBabe98]

Having a baby has bought lots of joy in my life but I am also struggling with some painful feelings mostly in relation to my mum.

I have never been able to be really open with my mum. Pregnancy and childbirth are meant to be the most lovely times in a woman's life or so I thought but I feel emotionally abandoned by my parents (who also live 4.5 hours away).

My Mum and Dad do occasionally come to stay with us but it always feel like they expect to be 'hosted' when in reality sometimes with a baby I barely manage to get through the day what with all the entertaining and nappy changing etc so hosting people is not really what I am up to.

I do facetime my Mum but it's so strange I just don't really have anything to say to her.

I enjoy my life and have good relationships with my DH and others so I don't think it's post natal depression.

My sister is coming to stay soon, however I forgot the dates (whoops!). When she emailed me to tell me she had booked tickets I quickly got back to her to tell her that was not ideal as we were away. She must have phoned my Mum because then my Mum was FB-ing me and calling me saying how my sister is upset. I am sorry if I caused upset but it was an unintentional mistake. My sister was then moaning to me about how my Mum was meddling and then my Mum was phoning me saying 'oh just make sure you make your sister feel wanted when she comes to see you' - I just want to care for my baby I did not know I was my sisters keeper too!

My sister suffers from Anorexia and has done so and been treated (both in and out patient) for a number of years. She has told me some pretty hurtful things my Mum has said to her but then my Mum phones me up and wants me who has just had a baby to 'make her feel wanted' - from what my sister tells me my Mum has not always done this!

Sorry to rant I just feel so down seeing other Mums walking with their Mums and talking about their mums kindly. I do too but if I am honest it is fake. I make out like my mum is lovely but I don't feel that she is. I know I was not the perfect angel daughter and was a bit of a tear away in my youth.

I also feel like my Mum second guesses me a lot. She will stay stuff like 'do you want to do this - or you might want to do this - but actually you might want to do this' - Sometimes it feels like I don't need to think as she does it for me... I know it's nice to have someone look after and care for you but I feel like I can never tell her anything for fear of her taking over.

My parents are fairly wealthy and travel a lot. My Mum was the main bread winner in our family after my father lost his job and struggled to get his career back on track. It is worth noting that my Mum seems to have got a lot more like this since she retired about 4 years ago.

She used to say stuff like 'I am waiting for you to leave home so I can leave your father' - is this normal?!

I am very nice to her and have always accepted she is just 'like that' but do I not deserve to find things out for myself sometimes...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr bloody mothers ey. I feel like this is taking up a lot of emotional energy for me and I just seem to have this anger that won't go away and I have nowhere to direct it.

Can anyone make me feel less alone here?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think there are lot of people who have difficult relationships with their parents. The way I look at it, it's just the luck of the draw. We didn't get to pick them and they don't get to pick us. In terms of a relationship, therefore, we all have to make allowances but essentially we do each other a disservice if we try to fit some mythical 'ideal mother/daughter' rather than acknowledging the real people we actually are.

So if you're unlucky to have a difficult woman as your mother then take her on face value and treat her the way you would anyone else that behaved in the same manner. Same applies to sisters, of course. If they are on the phone making unreasonable demands or bitching about each other you're fully entitled to say 'I'm not getting involved' or 'I don't want to know'.

Right now you have a baby that you love dearly and I'm sure you'll do your best to be a great mother as they grow up. But however good your intentions there is no guarantee that, twenty years down the track, the won't be on the MN of the future complaining that you're a PITA. Them's the breaks....

[mustardtomango]

Is there any way that you can construct an emotional block to your mum, and possibly sister too? It's really important you don't feel drained at this time, it's your entitlement to focus on your lo and the new family unit.

For the first few months I think you get a chance to instill new habits, esp ones that benefit you and the baby. Perhaps get dh involved too?

Even if it's as simple as downgrading face time expectations, getting dh to answer your phone more and become your blocker, or developing a couple of choice phrases that can be yanked out at short notice

[BouncyBabe98]

I think I am learning to emotionally block my Mum it just gets me down that sometimes I have to. I would be devastated if I ever learned my children felt down because of me like I do sometimes because of things my Mum has said to me.

I am a sensitive one truth be told and even more so since the baby so if anything it's probably that I have changed not her!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I have a great relationship with my DS 14yo but, nevertheless I know (because he's told me) that I've said and done things already that have made him feel really down. It's an occupational hazard of being a parent but, because you've had that experience yourself, you can resolve to manage it differently with your own DC. You can't change her, only yourself. It's a learning process.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Your Mum sounds controlling which would explain your DSis anorexia. You have to follow others advice about blocking and managing her expectations. You can only change your own behaviour not others so don't waste your energy trying. This time is precious and you will feel resentful long term if you don't get it sorted. It doesn't have to be big emotional stuff, just small, quiet adjustments that suit you.