Husband totally fed up with me.

[Onionsandpears]

And I'm not sure I even care. Although I obviously do because I'm posting here. Oh the irony. Maybe I just need a vent. Or a bit of an intervention.

Dh and I aren't talking to each other at the moment beyond the normal "do you want a tea?" type of thing. It's been brewing a while (the row, not the tea). We're both extremely stressed and fed up in general. He works long hours and I have health problems so I have ended up sahm by default but it's a struggle for me as I'm always worn out. We have two dc, one pre teen and one 2 year old.

The 2 year old is going through terrible twos. It's exhausting and draining and i'm trying my best to negotiate my way through it, trying to keep him entertained and happy and busy etc all the while feeling shattered myself with absolutely no family help whatsoever (dhs family live too far away and I don't have a good relationship with my mum - that could fill another thread).

When we decided to try for ds we were in a different position - my health was better and my mum was also around more to help as she did with dd. So I never assumed things would be this tough.

Dh is a totally different person to me. He likes to talk and get fired up and stay up late to work things through. I like to have time to myself, go to bed early (my health problems mean I really need to go to bed at about 10pm each night, dh moans and stays up till 12 easily). It's always been this way but coupled with no time during the day with ds about its reached a boiling point where I feel dh just doesn't understand me and I feel claustrophobic.

In fact I've always felt claustrophobic in all my live in relationships - this is my third. I am really struggling with trying to split myself in 3 ways to make everyone else happy and i'm fucking miserable.

Dh is very vocal with his opinions on everything from my mum to whether I look after a friends child to help her out or whatever else, he thinks I let people take advantage of me and perhaps I do but that is my call to make and I feel like he's always going on at me. There's always a negative response.

For the past two weeks it's like I've just shut down completely and when the dc have gone to bed dh and I just sit in silence reading on our phones or watching TV. I have no interest or desire to have sex because I'm too tired and I need my energy to deal with the kids the next day. I don't want to spend the evening tiring myself out having sex. Well not as often as dh would like.

I think we've reached a stalemate where we're both totally pissed off with each other. He's now angry with me because I'm trying to talk to him again and he says I'm wrong to suddenly expect him to not be annoyed with me. So how can anything get resolved?

But to be honest even if we did say sorry and make up the problems are still there - I don't want to stay up late all the time and I don't want to suddenly start having more sex. I'm on the right level of medications too, it's not that it's just I'm worn out.

Sometimes I want to chat etc and sometimes I really do just want to be on my own not talking to anyone but dh just doesn't get it. I'm feeling really resentful and down about my lack of space. I feel like I'm just counting down the days till ds starts nursery so I can have some time alone.

I've had enough of it all.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh dear. It's horrible when two people get so locked into their own behaviour patterns that they can't function even as friends, let alone a couple. If you're saying you think there is a communication problem it could be that you could make some progress with relationship counselling. If you're saying that you think it goes deeper than that and you're fundamentally incompatible then are you considering this could be the end of the marriage?

I was struck by this sentence... "I am really struggling with trying to split myself in 3 ways to make everyone else happy and i'm fucking miserable"

Why do you see it as your role in a relationship to make others happy?

[Quitelikely]

Can you afford some childcare for your two year old so that you can get a rest?

It seems like the daily pressures of life have gotten to you both and yous have almost given up. It does require effort when the situation you describe occurs. That is out the phones down, turn the tv off, make some plans for a night out and so on.

[Quitelikely]

I meant put the phones down!

[bakingaddict]

Could you not go to couples counselling. He needs to respect your boundaries and if your health problems mean that you need to get a good 8 hrs sleep then he has to come to terms with that.

Obviously if you are feeling knackered all the time and your mood is so low then you are not up for sex. Does he ever explain why he actually needs you to stay up late with him when he is aware of your health issues. Are there other aspects of your life where he is so dominating

[Onionsandpears]

Thank you for the replies.

We don't really have any spare money for a babysitter or childcare. The only person we can ask to listen out for the dc is my mum but that brings a whole host of issues, mainly because my mum is quite old and I don't really trust her around the dc if they happen to wake up while we are out and also dh basically hates her (a lot of history on both sides) so I feel wrong asking really.

To be honest (I know I sound so defeatist here) the idea of going out of an evening or whatever just sounds awful. I don't want to have to spend time I could spend relaxing at home or going to bed early being out and about. I used to be a real out and about person but now I'm just knackered all the time and for now at least all I want to do is put my pj's on at 7 pm and get into bed at 10pm.

I don't know whether counselling would help or not. Maybe. I really don't know. I think we are just such different people. He doesn't really have a go at me for going to bed early as such he just sort of goes "oh, okay... its a bit early isn't it?" In a sort of disappointed way. Mainly because he wants me to stay up and spend time with him but I'm too tired!

I just feel really resentful all the time. I'm struggling as it is and I feel like he's just making me more stressed. But at the same time I feel bad because I know he's lonely because I'm not "there" like I used to be.

I know it's not my job to make everyone happy but for the dc it is and with dh I feel so much pressure to be happy because if I ever vent how miserable I am it always comes down to some sort of competition with him saying how hard he works! I know he works hard but so do I and I've got health issues too so it's doubly hard.

I feel like running away to be honest. I feel like I am stuck in so many ways. I can't let anyone down.

[OhSoFuckedUp]

Does he shift work?

Would it be possible for you to stay up later on a Friday/ Saturday night and have a date night, nice food, wine, talking etc (no sex if you don't feel up to it) then he can get up with the kids in the morning while you rest?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Him getting pissed off just because you say you're tired or miserable doesn't mean that you have to feign happiness all the time.... In a healthy, loving relationship there's give and take. There are times when one person needs more tlc and there are times when the other needs the support. If it happens that you both need help at the same time, then you have to work something out... get outside help, rejig schedules... not one person pull rank and the other feel they're not allowed to say anything.

Regarding 'running away'... when did you last have some time to yourself just to kick back and relax? Do you have a friend you could go and stay with for a weekend, for example? Let him look after the children for a bit?

[OhSoFuckedUp]

I do sympathise, I really need sleep... No health problems I just massively struggle with getting not a lot of inevitable broken sleep. Since EXDH moved out I've been able to go out more on the days he has the kids and I feel like I've gotten back the fun part of me that was lost during the last years of our relationship.

[LongTimeLurking]

It is not a nice thing to say but it seems like you are/were either fundamentally incompatible or have grown apart for various reasons - none of them anybodies fault.

I can see this from both sides but I'm not sure there is an easy fix. It sounds like things may have run there course really?

[Nanny0gg]

I'm on the right level of medications too, it's not that it's just I'm worn out. For your health issues maybe, but perhaps you are (clinically) depressed also? Because that's what shouts out to me. And that would also add to your tiredness.

Do you do things as a family at weekends? Does your DH help with housework and childcare?

Do you do anything just for yourself?

[LongTimeLurking]

Nanny0gg
I agree. I actually thought the OP was on medications for depression or other MH issues. Only just re-reading it now I have noticed there is actually no mention of what/why she is on medications.

I mean OP definitely sounds depressed.

[Onionsandpears]

To clarify, I'm on medications for a long standing pituitary disorder (which results in making me feel extremely tired and generally unwell) and also long term antibiotics (taken daily) for an immune disorder which means I suffer from recurrent urine infections and basically have a very low immune system so I get every virus going. I see a consultant regularly and have 6 weekly blood tests. Both conditions are as well managed as they can be. On top of these I also have an underactive thyroid for which I take 175mg thyroxine a day.

Because of my pituitary issue I am not able to take anti depressants (they are dangerous for me to take as they raise one of the levels my pituitary over secretes anyway). So although I may be clinically depressed the only option open to me is counselling and I really feel unsure as to whether talking would help (despite doing it now!).

I could try a date night perhaps. I just think it would be very awkward. I don't think we even have anything to talk about. Day to day I'm quite happy with the dc despite finding it hard work and I have my own outside interests that I read about but I don't really have any desire to discuss this with dh.. I don't think he'd be interested in just the same ways I'm not remotely interested in things he is interested in, and smiling and nodding and seeming interested all seems a bit fake and pointless.

I do feel dh has changed quite a bit over the last two years. He's become much more hard line about things - I'm quite a left wing person and tend to empathise with people more and he just thinks everyone is wrong / fucked up etc and incessantly whinges about it. It's the constant negativity that drives me nuts. (Even though I'm doing it now).

And yet when things are good and we do have a dry run of getting on we can be really happy but only if I put 110% effort and energy into it all and I can't continue to do that 7 days a week forever so inevitability it goes back to this again.

I don't know how normal relationships work. I'm beginning to think I'm just awful at being married actually.

[TalisaMaegyr]

Onions.... I'm very similar to you. I also think I'm shit at living with someone. I love DP very much, but if I had my time again, I would never live with a man again, ever.

[Onionsandpears]

Talisa, thank you. That is how I'm feeling at the moment. I've lived with three different people - my eldest dcs dad, my second marriage which ended in him buggering off with an ex and my now dh. All of them make me want to stick pins in my eyes after the 2 year honeymoon phase. But I feel like I'm being such an arsehole. I really do. I think we're all programmed to think marriage is great and we all strive to want that fairytale but I just feel deflated with it all.

(Please excuse my language by the way I'm not normally as sweary as this I just feel angry and need to vent).

[TalisaMaegyr]

Ohhhh matey. I SO feel your pain. DP would be fucking heartbroken if he thought I felt like that, but I do. It's not personal if that makes sense, I just don't like to be around people ALL THE TIME.

[Onionsandpears]

Well its good to know it's not just me :)

I just feel like I need to improve things between dh and I, it's not a nice atmosphere for any of us to be in (although we do a good job of hiding it around the dc and to be honest he's hardly ever home before they go to bed because of work). But at the other side I just feel like I can't be bothered. Surely being married shouldn't be something you have to work at? And if you do where's the joy in that?

Before we had ds we had a lot of time together to get out and do things together (as dd would often visit her dad and relatives etc) and in the space of 2 years it's all gone wrong and we don't even know how to speak to each other without it turning into another stupid row.

He's expected home from work later tonight and I really don't know what to do. The last communication we had between each other was that I said I was sorry that he obviously felt I didn't love him but that I do, I'm just worn out. And he's said it won't change anything by saying that though will it. And he's right it probably won't. Basically I think he means I'm not going to wait up for him and pounce on him. In his eyes until we have sex we haven't really "made up".

I think i might just go to bed and pretend to be asleep so we don't argue anymore.

[CrotchMaven]

Are you an introvert? I mean, do you replenish your batteries on your own?

[Onionsandpears]

I'm extremely introverted. And dh isn't. And that's part of the problem really. The only time I really have time alone is when ds naps during the day (an hour and a half if I'm lucky but I use half of that time to get stuff done) and maybe half an hour between dd going to bed and dh getting in. I could ask dh to look after the dc more but he only gets 1 day off at a time and it just seems really unfair to bung the kids on him while I swan off somewhere. At the moment neither of us really has time to ourselves. Days off are always spent together. Which dh loves and I feel I should love but I just feel I never have any time alone. I'm going to have to ask him for it aren't I. I think he will feel hurt and won't understand.

[CrotchMaven]

I'm an introvert. Pretty much no-one knows that, though. But I get thoroughly exhausted if I don't get alone time. It's very much not a want, but a need. And extroverts don't often understand.

You have to find a way. It'll break you, otherwise. Can you get some childcare? Even just to go for a swim or something?

[TalisaMaegyr]

THIS! I always thought I was a extrovert, I'm sociable, and good with people. But, I NEED time alone, and I so rarely get it, it almost makes me ill with need sometimes. I know that sounds melodramatic

You have to actually ask for it. I am blunt about it these days. It used to be that I would have a day off on leave and DP would book it off as well Now I tell him he's not allowed.

[Nanny0gg]

So, you can't take medication for depression, but it sounds like that's what your physical problems are contributing heavily towards.

So surely it's worth giving counselling a go? I personally think you need it for yourself and then couples counselling so that you two can perhaps start to see each other's point of view.

It must be worth a try, surely?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

He gets one day off at a time, how many days off do you get?

Seriously, during the working hours, you are a SAHM. After work, the housework and childcare needs to be done jointly or split. If you are not getting the same time off from all that as he gets off from all that then it is not a fair split.