Just realised that essentially I am completely alone

[nameuschangeus]

I'm 46 and the realisation has dawned that I am really alone and going forward I'm the only person who I'll be able to trust or rely on. I can't believe that I'm so naive to have taken do long to realise this.

My dh has been having an affair with his ex. That's one thing, so I know now that I can't trust or rely on him.

My so called friend has bitched about me and my ds to a variety of people and is now turning other people against me as I had the temerity to call her on her behaviour. So I can't trust her, clearly have never been able to as she's basically been bitching about me and mine for most if the time I've known her.

My parents are great, I trust them. But they're elderly and they worry and with the best will in the world I can't use them as my sounding board or to tell them my problems. That would be cruel.

I love my children. They're wonderful and my saviours at the moment but I know that it's right and proper that they'll go their own way as they grow up, and that's fine.

But I suddenly feel as though I need to get used to it just being me who I can trust, if that makes any sense.

I don't actually know what I'm asking tbh, just needed to write it down.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You sound less 'alone' than 'depressed'... and understandably if you've been roundly let down by people who are close to you. Sounds like you need to forge yourself a new life with people who actually like you and who you, in turn, like being with. DH sounds like he needs kicking to the kerb rather than being the source of yet more depression. Have you confronted him about his affair? Parents, however old, will always want you to talk rather than think you were suffering in silence. Friends... well.... they come and go don't they? If you've only got one and they've let you down, then you need to deliberately acquire some more.

[kaykayblue]

I'm sorry - it's such a lonely feeling. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and it was horrible.

The only thing I can suggest is to try and see it as a "clean slate". Sure it's empty now, but that just means that there are lots of things you can fill it with. You could try joining new clubs (anything....books club, flower arranging, sports, wine tasting....), and even if it will take a while to make genuine friends, it still gives you new things to do, new people to meet, and should be good fun.

Cut that other woman from your life - if others contact you, just tell them the truth. She was spreading lies about you, you called her out on it, and she is now on a widespread smear campaign. But it isn't worth your efforts. Just be non plussed about it. She is the one that will look like a spiteful vacuous bitch at the end of it.

To be fair, I think there are people we can reasonably expect to rely on throughout our lives, but only ourselves and (if you are lucky) our parents that we can actually trust 100%.

[nameuschangeus]

Blimey that was quick! Thanks for the rapid replies.

It's odd because I do have lots of friends, but I've never ever been one for telling people my personal stuff - my job is very much about keeping other people's information confidential, and I've just taken it further into my own life too. As a result I don't confide in people and now I have found someone to confide in they have let me down.

I don't feel depressed, just like I've had clarity, but I appreciate that I might be, although I hadn't looked at it in that way.

As for dh I feel as though I've got that under control. I actually am more upset about the so-called friend, which I appreciate sounds weird. I'm naively shocked that a woman would let another woman down. A man, not so much.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When you say DH is under control, is he still knocking around? I felt you were depressed because your OP seemed to be communicating a feeling of isolation. Maybe it's self-imposed if you've appointed yourself the Keeper of Secrets I don't know. But it is very depressing if you have no-one to share things with on a deep level. That's usually the role fulfilled by a life-partner.

[nameuschangeus]

Dh is still around. I am in the process of deciding what to do about him. I know my options but I also don't want to leave without everything in place to make it comfortable for my dc's.

I actually bizarrely get on well with my dh. The affair aside, obviously. He has had a shit few years health and work wise and I actually understand why he has had the affair. I don't condone it, but I do understand. And I feel neutral about it and about him. He is not a nasty person but his life has been turned upside down by circumstances. It's sad but it's happened and I'll move on. He us still my children's dad and he loves them as much as I do.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You seem to take second place in your own life, if you'll pardon the observation. You're protecting your parents, rationalising your DH's behaviour, keeping confidences for others, ring-fencing your DCs' living standards. What about you? What are your dreams and who is helping you achieve them?

[nameuschangeus]

Wow yes I don't think I've ever looked at it like that.

I do have a job I love and I'm good at and I am also studying for a degree which I'm doing purely out of interest and for the fun of it and which I enjoy. So I do feel that I have something for me, iyswim?

But what you've said is an interesting observation which I need to think about.

I had my dc's in my late 30's after having lived a really full and free life so I think it doesn't feel so had to give a part of my life over to them, I don't feel as though I'm missing out.

But I do think it's odd that I can have lived so long before having the clarity of thought that there's only one person in life you can rely on. I remember other people saying that to me when I was younger and thinking how awful it would be to be so cynical. And now that's me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And the person you are relying on.... you.... are they doing the very best they can for you? Are they elbowing you to the front and getting you what you want? Or are they compromising?

I understand what you mean about feeling able to devote yourself to your DCs because you'd already done what you wanted to do before they arrived. Just be careful that, in the process of ring-fencing your DCs' living standards, you don't make the mistake of thinking that they can't see the sadness you're enduring being with a man you feel neutral about.

[nameuschangeus]

Cogito, thank you for responding to this. You've made me think. I don't think I that I'm giving my dc's the feeling of me being unhappy, but I don't know. I don't want them to get that feeling from me. Maybe I need to be kinder to myself. Thanks.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Hello OP. YOu sound like you do have real clarity and that is a good thing.

I suppose, at the end of the day (sorry about that phrase!) we are all alone and we can only truly rely on ourselves. I had that realisation myself a few years back when the man I thought was my world turned out to be a complete stranger.

To be honest, I found the experience quite liberating. I realised that I should and could only look out for myself and the DC. My friends were great but they have their own lives. My mum is elderly and worries. I took a pretty adventurous holiday by myself and that cemented my feeling that yes, I COULD and WOULD be OK by myself. I have carried that forward with me and even though I am now ver happy in a new relationship, it is still there and it really does feel great.

So use that clarity and strength to move forward positively. I'm sure you will