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Please help me stop helping my ex.....

(16 Posts)
Bogeyface Mon 07-Jul-14 20:26:01

My apologies, I didnt make the connection.

But yes, you do need to let go. It could cost you your relationship with your OH, it has already almost cost you your sexual safety and well being.

As tragic as this mans life has been, you are not the person to help him.

Weathergames Mon 07-Jul-14 19:38:00

I know - I need to let go of this sad

Weathergames Mon 07-Jul-14 18:19:21

Court case was because his son was murdered.

Bogeyface Mon 07-Jul-14 18:16:16

I'm confused. Was the court case about him attempting to rape you?

Why the hell was he contacting you during that? That is totally against the law! And if the court case is over, was he found guilty?

HecatePropylaea Mon 07-Jul-14 18:11:40

you need him out of your life. You have to prioritise yourself. He is not your responsibility. You can't fix him.

You sound lovely, but you are risking so much for this man who is going to grab you and drag you down with him.

Weathergames Mon 07-Jul-14 18:04:03

Kiss even!

Weathergames Mon 07-Jul-14 18:03:49

I know sad

I don't have feelings for him anymore I more pity him which I feel bad about.

When he tried to kids me it was really repulsive. He has a new g/f too.

HecatePropylaea Mon 07-Jul-14 17:53:48

Well, you aren't qualified because you are emotionally involved. Rule number 1 grin you can't deal with it if it's personal to you. It gets too clouded.

Weathergames Mon 07-Jul-14 17:50:56

Sadly I am qualified to help him but he needs help from someone completely not involved emotionally.

HecatePropylaea Mon 07-Jul-14 17:49:36

No, no it's not. Obviously you are a caring person and that is a good thing.

usually.

grin

It's just in this case it is not going to end well for you.

It is very very sad about his son. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. But that is not a reason to give over your life to him. Nor your money either. He clearly needs help that you are not qualified to give to him.

How would you feel if your partner walked because of all this?

You have to put your own life first.

Also, you are not actually helping him. You think you are but you are just creating dependence on you. That's not good for you and it's not good for him. Sometimes you have to do something that is so hard in the short term because it is the best thing in the long term.

Weathergames Mon 07-Jul-14 17:49:28

Of course I don't think that I know it's the worst thing to do.

He said he had no electric - but I know he was probably lying ....

Anniegetyourgun Mon 07-Jul-14 17:47:50

But do you think helping him to drink himself to death is actually the kindest thing to do?

brannagirl Mon 07-Jul-14 17:47:33

I think you really have to block him, yes. You are risking your new, happy relationship for a very damaged and troubled-sounding man. Who tried to rape you when he was drunk! You have helped him loads, it's time you just moved on. Maybe helping him makes you feel good but I think he'll just keep using you. I understand that him losing his child is beyond awful but my advice is NC and look to your own happy future. Hope it all works out and congrats on the soon-to-be-wedding.x

Weathergames Mon 07-Jul-14 17:45:08

It's because I feel so desperately sorry for him I think.

The death of his son has been devastating.

That is a crap excuse I know....

HecatePropylaea Mon 07-Jul-14 17:42:11

I think that until you work out why you appear to feel so responsible for him, you may find it hard to walk away.

So why do you feel this need to rescue him? Why is it that you can't see his problems as exactly that - his ?

When you say that he tried to have sex with you, do you mean that he tried to rape you?

Obviously you need to walk away from him emotionally (breaking news, bears shit in woods grin ) but you need to look into yourself to work out why you haven't done so yet.

Weathergames Mon 07-Jul-14 17:38:12

Broke up with ex 5 yrs ago. Never lived together or had kids but were a couple for 5 yrs.

We both had kids from previous relationships and obvs over that period of time we grew to know and love each other's children.

Ex was in recovery from alcoholism (11 yrs at the time) we both worked in the drugs and alcohol recovery field. He was tbh quite emotionally abusive and I drank socially which caused a lot of issues and eventually we split up which he struggled with for a while as it wasn't what he wanted (and he could no longer control me).

Fast forward 5 yrs I am getting married to someone else (he is away a lot with the forces). I am happy and until last yr maintained a "semi" friendship with ex.

Then his son died horrifically and I was there for him. My OH was not happy about this and it caused tension. Eventually ex started borrowing money from me and turned out he had massively fallen off the wagon.

He didn't pay me back and I "fessed" up to my OH who was really understanding. Then one night ex turned up here drunk. He had driven here and morally I didn't feel I could let him drive home so I chucked a sleeping bag over him on the couch.

In the middle of the night he burst into my room and tried to have sex with me. I got rid of him (NOTHING) happened (OH was furious - he was away) and a few week later ex went back to rehab and I thought sorted himself out, and paid me back.

Recently the case has been all over the local press and there has been a court case. OH away and Ex texting me letting me know about proceedings, and is now all over.

Today I took a call from him asking for a small
amount of money and I said no but then I caved in.

Feel so bloody dissapointed with myself - I know I am just enabling him and I cannot believe I have been such a soft twat or why I didn't just say no.

What do I do? Block him? ARGH?!

Thanks for allowing me to vent smile

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