Family reaction to relationship breakdown

[stopbotheringme]

NC for this, I think.

DH and I are separating. I've got some great advice on here about it under another name. Things are irretrievably broken down. I've had the police round for his terrifyingly intimidating actions; in respect of a deeply painful family bereavement he called me a 'grief whore'; everything he does is almost without exception my fault etc etc. He's been horrible, and there's no way back.

My immediate family have been amazing. In respect of the wider family, I've tried to be brief in terms of what I've communicated, emphasising the efforts we've made to put things right, and our commitment to the DCs. My assumption is that they may see him in the future, and I don't want massive awkwardness about that. But now some family members are having a massive go at me - hugely intrusive questioning, nasty statements about how I'm not prioritising my DCs' needs, etc etc etc. I really don't want to deal with these unhelpful messages on top of general fuckwittery from STBXH (this week's tactic was trying to ban me from using the car, something else will no doubt follow next week).

Anyone else experienced this? Any pithy responses (other than fuck the fuck off to the far side.....).

[UncrushedParsley]

No pithy responses I'm afraid. I think its quite reasonable to say you're not prepared to debate it. It isn't up for debate. And remove yourself from these situations where this is likely to happen as much as possible. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

[Nomama]

OK. You probably need to do something you really don't want to - be blunt and tell those members of your family that:

1. He is a terrifyingly abusive bastard and nothing could induce you to make another go of it, for your own and the DCs sake.
   

or

1. That they know fuck all about the situation and can put their judgey knickers back in the judgey knicker drawer.
   

After that they can fuck the fuck off to the far side etc.

[jessplussomeonenew]

Could you get the supportive family members to have a quiet word with the unsupportive ones? Might shut them up (and back up your perspective) without you having to have it out with them yourself? Good luck anyway, hope things start to get loads better now he's outof your life!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Not experienced it personally, thank goodness. I think, at times of crisis, you can really sort the wheat from the chaff. Presumably these family members have perfect relationships themselves that they are entitled to be so judgemental? Or maybe they think divorce is contagious and you've struck a nerve because they're already sailing a bit close to the wind!

I do like Nomama's ideas :) Alternatively the phrase 'that's none of your business' is appropriate, closely followed by 'I expect you to respect my decision'. Particularly galling that they think you wouldn't put your DCs first. Weirdos.

[stopbotheringme]

Thank you for this. Feeling so fragile at the moment that people suggesting I don't care about my DCs' welfare has really hit me in the gut. I've been doing so much to try to retain normality for them, be positive about them spending time with STBXH etc. These relatives seem to think I haven't thought about the DCs' welfare at all. Maybe it's kindly meant, but it's cruelly expressed.

I'm going to keep "put your judgey knickers back in the judgey knicker drawer" in reserve

[fairylightsintheloft]

I think in reality you have to just go with some formof "I'm sorry, but please understand that you don't know all the details, its not something I feel I need to go into and you aren't in a position to judge my actions". That's if you want to stay on speaking terms. If not, then FOTTFSOFAWYGTFOSM is definitely the way to go...