I started a 'friends with benefits' type thing 2 years ago. I had split from a long term relationship (15 years & 2 children) 1 year prior to that.
A friend introduced me to him and from day one I was strongly attracted to him, in a way I never felt before (I'm 43). He explained that he felt uncomfortable with the thought that he might be 'using' me but that he was unable to consider a full on relationship (difficult break up from ex wife/complicated family situation). He therefore checked with me that I was happy with a fwb type arrangement. I agreed I was.
And so it began. Feelings grew of course, more so mine than his. At times he is very attentive, at others distant, it has mainly been all about sex, we rarely go out or socialise with others. Around 6 months in, we started saying we love each other. At times I have felt obsessed by him.
Over the last year I have expressed that I want more. But it never happens. This has been terrible for my self esteem, sort of 'having' him but not really having him. We see each other 1-2 times per week. I crave him in between, he is like a drug to me.
He has come along on a few nights out with my friends, seemed happy to be out with me. But never invited me to any of his nights out...usually because family members were there or his adult children. We agreed early on that we wouldn't meet each others family.
Anyway (to cut a long boring story short!), finally he asked me to come along to a function with some of his friends and one of his daughters. I was extremely nervous as it felt a bit make or break time. On the night he was very late picking me up & because I was very very nervous waiting I drank far more wine than I intended to. By the end of the night I was staggering & slurring my words. I haven't behaved like that for a very long time & I feel very embarrassed that his daughter noticed.
The next day it was obvious he was disappointed in me & annoyed. I was shocked at how drunk I got but it has made me wake up a bit to the situation I am in.
So. I need to stop. All week I have tried to find the words. But I panic & stop myself from saying anything. This relationship is destroying my self esteem. But when I think about how I will feel immediately after I end it I feel like I could have a heart attack with fear. Fear of not having him in my life anymore. He consumes my thoughts, so how will I cope. Fear of being alone. I feel I only have myself to blame as he was honest from the beginning that he couldn't offer more.
So help me please. How do I find the strength and how do I cope afterwards.
The pain of this is so much worse than the breakdown of my relationship with my childrens father. I don't understand why this is the case.
Thanks for reading, would appreciate some wise words.
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Relationships
Scared of how I'll feel after I end it
13 replies
katmat · 06/06/2014 09:38
OP posts:
brokenhearted55a ·
06/06/2014 11:59
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