Am I being selfish or is he?

[Secretescape]

I had a long thread on here last summer about my DH. Basically he was having an affair - I guessed then looked for evidence which I did with the support of you lovely mnetters. (Have name changed)

So he moved out, we had separate counselling, I decided I wanted to try again. We made a "plan" of how things could improve and with the DTs seemingly much better IMO this was working out well.

Then he changed jobs which I fully supported for his career progression and self development. We discussed it and we knew that it would be hard for a few months with me doing all the childcare runs and working part time, but that eventually - once he was more established - he'd be able to take on drop offs/pick ups again.

Well as bad luck would have it this all coincided with the DTs being ill again (on and off for a month) so I (and he) was exhausted. But again I consoled myself with the long term plan. We were still managing to go out as a couple and talking about plans eg booking a holiday.

So to the point - he has now told me he's really unhappy, he's falling out of love with me, that he's bored and (because I do his washing, cook dinner and do the housework) I treat him like a child.

I was knocked sideways by all this and to me it feels like he's experienced the thrill of the affair and now the normality of a comfortable family life is beneath him.

How do I go on from here? I do love him (but am obviously desperately sad at the moment). I feel he's being selfish and that when you're a parent with a job and family life can't always be thrilling - sometimes it just as it is.
On the other hand at least I know but I feel I haven't changed since before we had children and that I am (was) happy. Does this make me the selfish one?

Any advice and support would be welcome.

[fusspot66]

Tell him to FOTTFSOFATFOSM

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd tell him to sling his miserable hook. You took a major blow to your self-respect letting him back in your family in the first place and he's throwing your sacrifice back in your face. See a solicitor, start thinking seriously about life as an independent woman and let your STBXH go be unhappy somewhere else...

[fusspot66]

That means kick him out.

[Catnuzzle]

What Fusspot said.

[pictish]

Well obviously you ought to tie yourself in knots to hang onto this unfaithful, malcontent, critical, self esteem crushing rogue of a man.
Jump to!

Or...you could treat him with the contempt he deserves and pack his cases.

[paxtecum]

Love, just get rid now and NEVER take him back again.

You will be fine on your own.

Best wishes to you.

[TheCatThatSmiled]

Do you think he might be seeing the OW again?

[Tinks42]

Yep, tell him to sling his hook.

[Lweji]

Well, stop doing things for him and wish him well in his new life.

[HandbagCrazy]

He is being selfish. Get legal advice, get everything ready then tell him that actually, you're bored of trying so hard and having to put up with such a miserable, selfish man so actually, you want him out. And please follow through.

[BeCool]

1. Immediately, as of this very minute, stop cooking for him and washing his clothes, and demand he do 50% of the housework - there, that is one problem solved!
   

1. And then get legal advice and seriously consider how life might be without this unfaithful, disloyal, unsupportive, selfish arse of a man.
   

1. While you do this, stick faithfully to step one above.

[Secretescape]

I was certain it's not OW - at least not the same one. There is no certainty anymore

[Joysmum]

You can't try hard enough to make up for the fact his heart isn't in it.

Time to call it quits.

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

Alot of times on here i have read if someones unfaithful there will be another. Keep your options open dont question him yet and if you do find evidence screen shot for when you see a solicitor

[frogslegs35]

What fusspot said.
Also
All points that BeCool said.

It really does sound like it's time to end it.
So sorry.