I'm so confused - help me get my brain in order.

[Pigginnora]

Dp & I are going through a bad patch. 4 dc baby 3 months old. I'm really disappointed in him. I feel he's not supportive of me. I'm bf so up at night. Do all stuff with dc & housework. He works odd hours. Worked all bank holiday. Dc been on hols for 2 weeks they don't go back for another week. I'm mentally & physically exhausted.

After all the dc I ended up exhausted but ff others & would end up giving him baby & i would look after older dc.

I just feel hurt that he can't step up for a few weeks so I can step back abit.

It's the day to day stuff but also big issues. He let me down terribly last year when I really, really needed him.

Since the baby was born I've been really anxious & stressed he knows this but he struggles with dc routines or housework so i end up doing everything. I'm now increasingly angry even towards the dc.

I've tried talking to him yet again tonight. He's got cross & said he'll sort somewhere to go. I had said about splitting up as i can't go on like this. We have no help, we don't go out together. He gets one weekend off a month & always goes out. It his lack of consideration that hurts. He's either totally selfish or really useless & I'm not sure what's worse!

I don't even know why I'm posting - probley cos I've no one to talk to & my head hurts from thinking! I can't even think straight anymore...

[AreWeThereYeti]

It sounds like you both have an awful lot on your plates. Babies can be such hard work. Is there anyway you can afford some help? A cleaner or mothers help may make a huge difference - obviously a useless suggestion if it's not affordable. What about getting help from family? If you are feeling really bad might there be someone else who could step in.
What about counselling?

[Pigginnora]

No money & no family near us. Long story but we had alot of changes whilst I was pregnant which meant we ended up far from family.

Counselling costs, takes time & long waiting lists. He wouldn't even come to hospital to see me after an op, never mind counselling!

I don't know how to make any of this better. I don't have the ability to be objective anymore.

[eightandthreequarters]

Why don't you have anyone to talk to in RL? Do you just mean it's really late or do you feel very isolated all the time?

Why can't he 'step up'? Is it because he is working all hours? Or is he avoiding helping with childcare and housework when he's home?

Do you want to split up?

[Pigginnora]

He doesn't have much on his plate...

He leaves it for me to sort out.That's the problem!

[Pigginnora]

I don't have any close friends in RL.

No he doesn't work long hours just unsociable hours. He just doesn't see what needs to be done. I have to tell him what to do...constantly. He ignores me half the time & says he didn't hear.

I don't want to split up but I don't want to be like this anymore. I feel like I'm cracking up with the strain of the dc especially one of them, he's very difficult.

[eightandthreequarters]

Okay, what would make life better? He won't help you out. So what will?

[Pigginnora]

I don't know.

Splitting up? Can't keep talking & going round in circles.

Joint custody of the dc so we both get some balance to u ur lives?

I have no idea! I just wish we could be there for each other. I wish i could think 'oh sod that Mr Pigginnora will take care of that'. I would like to chat about our day. Talk about our future together. Have common interests & abit of fun!

How we get to that seems impossible right now.

[eightandthreequarters]

I can see how splitting up just for the joint custody aspect must seem appealing when you are utterly exhausted! As in it would force him to deal with childcare, all on his own, for a set period of time. Of course you should be aware that he could just walk away and leave you to it. It happens.

You have a very young baby and are probably sleep-deprived and overwhelmed. What would happen if you took the baby and went to visit your family for a few days of rest? He must get two days off in a row at some point. He could look after the others for 3 nights, then you come back, a bit rested and with a clearer head and able to make these important decisions.

[Pigginnora]

I was thinking of going away on his next weekend off. Just booking into a hotel on the coast...

I dont have any family to stay with. My mum is an alcoholic. My dad & sister live in the US.

It's a real possibility that he would just walk away. It's what he does when he can't cope. Since his mum died he's had no contact what so ever with any family member. Not his aunts, cousins or sister. He couldn't cope so shut down.

I will see about going away. Work out when he's off & cost etc.

Thanks.

[eightandthreequarters]

Good, I hope you can get in a couple of days' rest with just you and the baby. A hotel sounds a wonderful idea - make sure they have room service. :)

While you're gone, work out a plan for meeting people and making friends in RL. Life is hard when you're so isolated. Having four children is bloody hard work, and some company goes a long way to making it more bearable. How might you meet people with similar interests to your own?

[Pigginnora]

I don't really have any interests. Politics/ currant affairs are my thing. I work whilst the dc are at school. So no free time. Dp does rotating 7 day shifts. So evenings are rarely free.

Ds is on a part time timetable due to his behaviour so mums at the school are being very off with me. Ds is being assessed for ASD. So that's difficult as socialising is near impossible. No invites anymore!

Oldest dc Is in secondary school so I don't meet other parents.

It's just the way it is at the moment. It doesn't normally get to me but this weekend has been crap. I love easter but i only had one visitor & ds was a nightmare do they had to leave. It's horrible & i resent him as I've spent 9 years trying to parent a very difficult little boy. It's getting worse not better.

He has no diagnosis so it's difficult to get help or support.

Maybe I need to consider AD . I need something!

[eightandthreequarters]

AD?

You need a lot more support than you are getting, that's for sure! There are support groups for parents of SEN DC, and you may find a bit of help there. Everyone's been through the 'no diagnosis yet' stage, so it's no barrier to seeking help. I'm sorry the other mothers are being so ignorant.

Politics is a huge interest. You might not be able to do much with it now, but your situation will not always be what it is. Have you thought about getting involved with a political party? I know this must seem like a massive unnecessary thing to think about, but it sounds like it's all work and no play whatsoever for you. It might be nice to be involved with something that has nothing directly to do with children.

[eightandthreequarters]

Ah, anti-depressants?

What you need is some practical help, but you already know that. That's why you posted!

Could you pick this apart a bit? Go to the SEN board and start asking how best to access support for your 9yo and yourself in dealing with it?

[Pigginnora]

Thanks for your replies & advice.

I hardly slept last night. Today I feel incredibly sad. I don't want us to split up but I don't want to feel like this anymore. How do i resolve how I feel?

Dp is the same as he's always been. It's me who's changed.

I can't put certain things that happened behind me. I some how need to. Dp didn't mean to let me down, he handled things badly but it hurt &:still hurts.

Ds is so difficult. He has a Statement & receives DLA as well as restpite even without a diagnosis. He's been assessed for the second time, hopefully he will get the diagnoses so I can move him out of mainstream education.

Dp hasn't called this morning or responded to my text, I don't blame him. I was horrible & spiteful last night. I fee very ashamed of myself this morning.

[eightandthreequarters]

I'm sorry you still feel so sad. But you desperately need support, and if your DP does not give you any, then he is simply another problem in your life, sucking up time and energy.

Start a thread on the SEN boards and find out what help you can access right now for yourself and your 9yo. I have a DS with SEN (of a very different type) and I know well how hard that can be. It sounds like this school is badly letting him down and you, too.

First you need some rest and some sleep. Sort out with DP right now how you are going to get this. You're exhausted and everything seems so much worse when you're not sleeping.