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what can I do now?

(27 Posts)
chocoluvva Mon 14-Apr-14 22:56:00

Background - DD (17.5) asked me if she could stay home while we (and DS) are away for four nights. I said probably okay, but run it past DH when he got back. DH said out of the question - and "that's an end to it".

DD and I tried to persuade him to change his mind this afternoon. Admittedly, partly because I felt annoyed with him for refusing to discuss it. Partly, because he leaves most of the parenting to me - sometimes he will take a call from DD asking if she can stay out overnight, for example and he'll say to her, 'I'll ask mum, Chocoluvva, can DD stay overnight?" He tends to sit around ignoring me and the DC. He doesn't tell DS (15) to go to bed ever, ask about homework, ask what he's been up to etc

I should have told DD that I would discuss it with DH before getting her hopes up. She herself wasn't desperate to stay home. Though that changed once she thought it was a real possibility and she had thought about it more. She has explained her detailed plans - out at a party one night, out at friend's another night, 5 friends round one night, boyfriend round one or two nights. We know the friends and BF well. BF stays over here sometimes.

I understand DH's views - possible damage to house/possible trouble. I trust DD to be sensible - he doesn't - he informed me and her.

However, when DD asked him again today, as she feared, he got angry immediately, shouted, said I was an idiot and a moron and stormed off to the corner shop banging the door. He was soon back and refused to apologise for calling me an idiot and a moron as I was "an idiot and a moron" and now he not only didn't trust DD but he didn't trust me either as DD had clearly "manipulated me". To explain, we both used to marvel at other people letting their teens stay home alone, but now having experienced DD going to friends parties while their parents are away with no adverse consequences and DD being used to going out drinking and seemingly sensible (on the whole - she is still quite giggly and shy, still has quite an immature outlook on certain things) I have changed my mind. DD said she was wanting "cheap thrills".

I have said as little as possible to him since then without being too obvious in front of the children. I really really want an apology, but I don't know if one will come. It's not his style. I don't call him names.

Where to go from here? Sorry for the long post.

chocoluvva Wed 16-Apr-14 23:15:03

I managed to have a proper chat with him. At first he was unapologetic -saying that he hadn't called me a moron and an idiot; he had asked, "Are you a moron, are you an idiot? shock - I asked him if he would speak to anyone at his work like that and he said no, but nobody at his work behaves like one shock. His stress was partly caused by two staff who he manages.... I pointed out that it wouldn't be acceptable to use names like that with them; it would be verbal abuse. He acknowledged that he wouldn't speak to his friends like that because they're not 'morons' or 'idiots' either.

He was annoyed at me for 'ganging up with DD against' him. Eventually I think I managed to make him understand that it was reasonable of me to discuss it with him while DD was there. I had a hard time explaining that he had not previously discussed it and that was why we were trying to talk about it: him just stating his opinion without any justification was the problem. Had we discussed it and were still badgering him it would have been different.

I accepted his accusation of "trying to persuade him to change his mind" - after all he clearly hadn't thought about it or listened to any other opinion. And he accepted that I was genuinely asking for his considered opinion and advice - I wasn't going to tell DD she could have the house to herself to do whatever she liked in and I wanted to think all the practicalities through with both of them.

Eventually, he did apologise. I don't think he'll apologise to DD for speaking to me like that in front of her though, as I asked.

Our plan was to drive to his family tomorrow, then I was going to continue on to my (elderly) relations (another three hours further away) on my own the following day and I would come back to spend the last day with his family before we drove back down. I've never done that before. I had decided that if he hadn't apologised I would have taken the train and gone straight on to my family rather than spend most of a day in the car with him. The DC would have been given the choice of travelling by car or train to DH' family. I told DH and he accused me of passive aggression, but I explained that it would be because I would still have been so angry with him that I wouldn't want to spend time with him - nothing PA about it - I would have told him that.

I'm really looking forward to seeing my relations and my friends there have organised a night out which should be lovely.

To my surprise, he said he would agree to DD staying home if she agreed not to have any of her friends round and if I thought she could be trusted to stick to that agreement. DD accepted his offer with no hesitation.

Draining.

Vivacia Thu 17-Apr-14 14:24:06

Quite. And he is still calling you a moron and an idiot. That you somehow deserve his verbal abuse.

I don't get much sign that you want things to change.

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