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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

dp or ex h??

15 replies

chocybickie · 18/08/2006 10:13

for the last two weeks my boys have been excited about seeing my dp as they haven't seen him for 2 months and have really missed him. dp feels the same and can't wait to treat them tomorrow.
however i have just had a text out of the blue from the boys dad to say he wants to see them tomorrow. the boys have missed him too. he could come today to see the boys but he won't.
i'm not sure what to do now. help!

OP posts:

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Molesworth · 18/08/2006 10:15

"he could come today to see the boys but he won't"

Tell him you're all going to be busy tomorrow, but you're happy to arrange another date/time

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Pixiefish · 18/08/2006 10:15

Can he see them the day after tomorrow? How long is your dp home for. What sort of relationship do they have with their dad/your dp

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WigWamBam · 18/08/2006 10:16

He could come today but won't? In that case, I would tell him that you already have plans, and he has to arrange another day to see the children.

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chocybickie · 18/08/2006 10:20

if i say we are busy he will want to know why. if he knows its because of dp he will be very cross. but he doesn't understand that dp is a big part of their life too.
i think it is more important that the boys see dp but i don't want to cause problems with him again.
if he just told me when he wants to see the boys it would be so much easier but often he just turns up at the door after a 3 week absense.

OP posts:

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Molesworth · 18/08/2006 10:22

That sort of behaviour from your ex is unacceptable. Do you have any official contact arrangements?

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MrsCapedCrusader · 18/08/2006 10:22

I think he needs to understand that DP is a big part of their life. The sooner he learns this, the better.
Tomorrow could be a good start.

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chocybickie · 18/08/2006 10:28

no we don't have any arrangements. he doesn't want to make any so he can have more freedom. he usually only takes them to the park for a few hours anyway before bringing them back so i don't see how he can't do it today.
i'm going to put my foot down this time i think.
its so difficult to balance everything and make everyone happy.

OP posts:

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Molesworth · 18/08/2006 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

anniemac · 18/08/2006 10:30

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CaligulaCorday · 18/08/2006 10:31

dp. No contest.

XH can't just turn up as and when he feels like it, disrupting your plans and life. You have a right to "move on" from him and conduct a separate life and you can't do that if you're at his beck and call.

It's also extremely bad for your boys. They need to have some predictability and stability in their contact arrangements with their father. It is simply not fair of him to turn up as and when he feels like. It's irresponbile and unkind to them, they need to be able to rely on him.

Just tell xh that you have plans, you're not willing to discuss the plans(your life is none of his business), but that you're very happy he wants to the boys and can you sit down and work out a regular schedule so that you can plan other arrangements around his contact time and he's not disappointed again.

Keep a note of this in case he decides to start whinging to a court that you deny him access.

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anniemac · 18/08/2006 10:32

This reply has been deleted

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 10:34

Agree totally with Caligula.

Tell him you have other plans already.

If he gets angry, well, so what

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/08/2006 10:36

whoops posted to early

So what? You dont have to consider his feelings as such anymore. Only your boys.

If he is so keen to see them then he will make plans in advance in future.

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Mascaraohara · 18/08/2006 10:36

From what you've said here.. DP!!! tell xh that you jhave plans for tomorrow and when he asks what say "I really don't think that is any of your business.. unfortunately if you don't want to have set time fox X&Y then you have to realise that occassioanlly this will happen. How about n time on Sunday instead"

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chocybickie · 18/08/2006 10:36

I have made a personal decision that it is more important that the boys see DP as exH did go on holiday for a week with the boys (he isn't all bad) just two weeks ago and DP hasn't seen them for 2 months. However DP is coming up next week as well to spend time with them.
I have told him when we are free and that we have plans. He has text to say he'll see them in two weeks then. So at least thats a solid arrangement, hopefully.