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Men are so selfish

(61 Posts)
sammyjayneex Tue 25-Mar-14 12:35:16

Why are men so selfish? My DH is just selfish. He's not bothered how bad I feel as Long As he is ok.

I told him the other day that I was meeting my Friend for a coffee and could he pick the kids up from school and he agreed. I never get to meet this friend as we don't live close and we have kids and family commitments Ect so we are arranged a meet up.

I wanted him to have the kids so I wouldn't have to worry about school run Ect. I told him we would meet at 1:30.

So today I reminded him I was meeting her and he said 'today? Your meeting her today?' And I said yes you knew that and he said 'oh I need to go to uni to see my teacher about my work' (he saw his teacher last week) and then he said 'oh but I will be back on time' but that's just his way of manipulating me coz he knows I will cancel coz he's the least reliable person and he knows he will he will be there longer than he says, every time he goes he says he will be back at such and such a time but never is so I can't make plans and sit waiting for him when he might not get back.

He's only supposed to go Thursdays but he goes every time he's got free now from work. I told him I'll have to cancel coz I can't rely on him to get back on time and my friend would be waiting unfairly (I have a toddler at home I wanted to look after too coz I can't have time in peace when I take her out)

This was supposed to be my day!

He says 'well if you want to cancel the that's your problem but that's just his way of manipulating me and to try make it my fault

He says that him going to uni is far more important than me gettin me time and that it's not important for me to be away from the kids for an hour hmm

NotNewButNameChanged Tue 25-Mar-14 12:44:23

Correction: not all men are selfish. YOUR man is selfish. Not only that, he's a total arse.

No, men are not all selfish by any means!. That is a gross generalisation as well as being completely wrong.

Its the man you are with who is selfish.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you really still together?.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Tue 25-Mar-14 12:46:42

YOUR Man is selfish. Please do not generalise.

Cabrinha Tue 25-Mar-14 12:51:02

Yes, OP shouldn't generalise, it's offensive.
But her issue is a fair point about him specifically.

OP - why are you pandering to his unreliability? Do not change your plans. Say - as agreed, I am out until 17:00. You need to pick the kids up. End of. He'll be a lot more reliable if you stop cancelling plans without him even having to ask!

Cabrinha Tue 25-Mar-14 12:51:41

He said he'd be back on time. So let him be.

sammyjayneex Tue 25-Mar-14 12:53:22

I'm really sorry hmm I didn't mean to generalise like I did, I was really meaning it towards my DH. I know that there are plenty of men who won't be like this but I just seem to get he crap ones!

He is very good at manipulating me to be honest. That's why I always cancel my plans for him, I make myself angry

NotNewButNameChanged Tue 25-Mar-14 12:53:53

The only actual question she has asked is not specific to her OH but all men. Did you just want to rant, OP, or ask something specific?

sammyjayneex Tue 25-Mar-14 12:57:26

Suppose I just wanted to rant

Why have you cancelled? You should go meet your friend. If he's late picking the dc up that's his problem and him that looks bad.

Why are you so bad at picking men and thus ending up with the crap ones?. That thorny issue needs to be addressed by you in counselling sessions.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what did your parents teach you?.

Abusive and or inadequate men really like outwardly confident women but with inward shaky self esteem and self worth so they can bring their chosen victim down to their own level.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Ranting is all very well and good but its a short term measure to a long term problem. It will not help you ultimately.

BuzzardBird Tue 25-Mar-14 13:08:12

By the sound of it, this particular issue is only the tip of the iceberg?

You say he makes unnecessary visits to uni? (Is he really going there?).

He clearly doesn't think you need an occasional break?

You are calling him selfish in 'general' not just on this issue.

sammyjayneex Tue 25-Mar-14 13:24:40

This is the only long term relationship I've really had because we been together for 9 years (I met him when I was 17 he was 26) I'm now 26 he's 35 so I've never really experienced other relationships to know whether the way he treats me is normal or not. I have nothing to compare it to.
He's always been selfish.
My parents broke up when I was 4. I never saw my dad growing up. (He didn't want to know and didn't make an effort to see me) My mum brought us up. (Until she met my step dad) my dad was abusive towards my mum and that's why she left. I guess I am just doing the same to myself

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 25-Mar-14 13:37:33

He says that him going to uni is far more important than me gettin me time and that it's not important for me to be away from the kids for an hour

That sentence suggests, he sees the childcare as your role only, and he expects you to do it.

He is indeed a selfish arse.

olathelawyer05 Tue 25-Mar-14 13:38:19

Putting aside the sexist generalisation that has been called out...

Your husband didn't do anything wrong in the scenario painted - it's actually YOU who was unable to get over yourself as control freak.

He said he would be able to do the run, yet YOU decided YOU didn't trust him to do it. YOU then justify this to yourself by accusing him of trying to 'manupulate' you, even though (once again....) it was actually YOU who brought about the self-fulfilling prophecy by deciding to cancel your coffee. He may well be selfish, but this scenario doesn't demonstrate it - it only demonstrates that YOU (I think you get the point...) have certain issues.

Offred Tue 25-Mar-14 13:41:23

So you had a shit dad and then ended up at a very young age with a significantly older man who treats you like shit? Hmm.... Yes, I think, although none of this is your fault, you most likely have some issues which it would benefit you to deal with in therapy.

In the described scenario it comes across as you not giving him a chance tbh and expecting the worst. That may be because he is manipulating you or it may be because you expect men to let you down or both. I think you are staying in this relationship because being let down by a man is what you are used to perhaps.

sammyjayneex Tue 25-Mar-14 14:07:09

I understand what you are saying about not giving him a chance but he is manipulative. I'm not a control freak. He does what he wants and half the time I don't say anything I just have to deal with it. When I say he's manipulative, I mean that if I ask him to pick kids up and he does then later on I will 'get it' he will go on and on about how he missed a lot of time to do extra work because I asked him to pick kids up that's why I cancelled as soon as he complained coz I don't want his moaning and shit later.

His attitude is that other woman get on with looking after kids so why can't I. But why should I be constantly responsible for them while he makes plans for himself

sammyjayneex Tue 25-Mar-14 14:11:04

This man said to me I might as well kill myself just because I was down the other day, it was boy for an hour or so I felt a bit depressed and because of that he continually called me a 'bitch' and told me I might as well kill myself. That's why I don't believe it's all me

BuzzardBird Tue 25-Mar-14 14:15:08

sammy I am sure you have probably read enough threads on here to know that no-one is going to tell you that his behaviour is ok. You know you woud be better off without him and you would even get some time to yourself when he has his access.

Dahlen Tue 25-Mar-14 14:17:18

In your shoes, I would stick to your original plans. Go to the school and tell them your DH will be collecting the DC that day and give them his number. Tell them you will be unable to be contacted.

Tell your DH you are going and that the school are aware that he is picking them up and will be contacting him if no one turns up. Tell him you will not have your phone with you (if you're not quite brave enough to be that confrontational, pretend it's died and that you'll be picking up a new one or a new battery in town, etc).

Then go out and turn off your phone. The experience of being unable to abdicate responsibility for childcare will be a new one for your DH and may teach him a lesson (hopefully).

Dahlen Tue 25-Mar-14 14:18:07

Though I rather suspect, like everyone else, that if you fail to play acquiescently you will see a much less pleasant side of your DH. sad

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Tue 25-Mar-14 14:19:33

I sympathise. My dh has gone away for work. Skyped us last night for five minutes whilst he had his dinner, with his work colleagues in the background. Couldn't wait to get us off the phone so he could go and have a drink. hmm

Sparklysilversequins Tue 25-Mar-14 14:21:30

For crying out loud the OP has already been "told off" enough for her generalisation. It surely only needed to be said once given that she is sad and frustrated and living with a total selfish arse!

OP, he doesn't have to go to Uni at all, he just can't be arsed to look after your child, even though it will give you a much needed break and give him a chance to spend quality time with his child. Imo you can't change a person like this and it will affect your mental health to try. Dump, sooner rather than later.

Sparklysilversequins Tue 25-Mar-14 14:28:24

And Ola for you alone I wish there was a Hide Poster option, I hate your predictable, pedantic and misogynistic posts.

You may reply to me if you wish but I will ignore you as I find you hateful, rude and aggressive and therefore will not engage with you any further.

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