Sex and marriage

[glossyflower]

I've been married for a year an a half but with my husband for 5 and half years.
We have an 11 month old baby.
I work full time, 12 hr shifts. He works full time Monday to Friday.
Last year I had a close family member pass away for which I am still struggling at times to come to terms with.
Well, my husband now tells me (has for some time) that I don't appear to love him, I push him away when he's showing affection and I never want sex. He says he can't continue like this any more.
I find he's quite demanding, he will come to me when I'm busy or stressed or just got home from work and want to relax and wants attention.
He will say he wants a cuddle, so I give him a hug but then he will be very clingy and I feel smothered sometimes.
I told him time and again I don't like kissing him, because he has a prickly beard and moustache (quite recent thing).
He's said before when I've wanted to tend to the baby that "what about me I want some 'mummy' time?" When he wants attention he will tell me to put the baby away in her cot.
Sex is rare these days because I just don't feel like it. Why should I have sex just because he wants it and I don't really want to do if. In the past I have done it anyway and he complains I'm not into it. I can't win.
Last night after a cuddle but when it was apparent no sex was taking place he got out of bed and slept downstairs. He won't speak to me. Previously I have actually had to put up with what I would describe as tantrums from him because he says I push him away all the time.
Should I just do it anyway?
I honestly feel too tired or too depressed to have sex. Then on the odd occasion we do have sex he asks me to do things I really don't want to do. Sometimes I say no, sometimes I do it but really don't want to do it.
I feel depressed and still grieving for the loss of my family member, and want him to leave because I just don't want the hassle of having to tend to his every need.
I know that sounds bad as I'm his wife but I honestly feel like he's draining me.
I speak to other women and they tell me their men are similar at times.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your DH needs to understand that, by being inconsiderate and applying pressure, he's making things worse. You should be able to say to him that you love him, that you can cope with physical affection in the form of a hug but, for whatever reason, that's as far as it goes for now..... and he should understand and respect that. There's a name for having sex with someone who doesn't really want it and it's not pleasant. Doesn't matter on iota that you are his wife. Totally irrelevant what other women chose to do. So don't 'do it anyway' because that is just going to make you feel more depressed and resentful. Tantrums and sleeping downstairs is just bullying.

As a separate matter, I think you should talk to a doctor about your depressive symptoms and see if you need treatment.

[glossyflower]

I tell him the more he pressures the more I push him away but he says I'm like it all the time.
Another thing that bothered me that makes me aversive was once after tears and a strop I agreed to have sex and after I said just because you threw a tantrum doesn't mean you will get your own way. He said "well it clearly did". I kind of looked at him like what?! But he's right.
Another thing sometimes I am in the mood but how he goes about things puts me off. His behaviour is frustrating yet he can't see it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry but that little incident you describe makes him sound thoroughly unpleasant, manipulative and a sexual bully. I'm not surprised you're feeling depressed. That's a very common outcome when you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.

And of course he 'can see it'.... as you've just illustrated, he knows if he behaves badly, you're likely to give in eventually. It's deliberate.

[glossyflower]

So what do I do now? Kick him out? I've told him to leave before but nothing happens.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What you do next is entirely up to you but, if you want him to leave, you'll need back-up both practically and emotionally. Do you have family or friends that you can call on for moral support? Would you consider talking to a solicitor?

[Handywoman]

People who feel they need to 'compete' with an 11mo for attention are still children themselves. You must feel pulled in all directions when you have so little to give (in light of the recent bereavement). I do feel for you.

[glossyflower]

I have my mum. I could see a solicitor but at this point in time I don't want a divorce just a separation.

[glossyflower]

That's another thing. I feel I can't cope working full time at the moment, I want to reduce my hours but he says I'm the main earner and we can't afford it. He says he wants to go part time or give up work and be a sahd.

[Handywoman]

He simply cannot see your needs at all, can he. How awful. I think a wake up call is necessary. It sounds very unbalanced. Can you go to your mums?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Seeing a solicitor is simply to gather information & know where you stand legally rather than to start divorce processes. The relationship you are in is unequal - he holds all the cards - and getting legal information will balance things up and give you some much-needed confidence. If you're the main wage-earner that's a good thing if you're thinking of going solo. I don't know if you are a high earner but check, for example, if there would be any tax credits of other financial help available to you.

BTW... and this is purely an observation .... my feeling is that you are struggling to work full-time because he is making your life more stressful than it needs to be. If it was just you and your baby with no extra hassles I think your depression would lift and you'd find you could cope

[Handywoman]

cogito is right, your H should be a source of support but he sounds a big emotional drain for you. He is also a sexual bully. And is now applying financial pressure. Who is looking after your needs right now?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Your H is abusive. No wonder you're depressed. He beleives that you exist for his benefit and that everything revolves around him. Men like this don't change.
Definitely have a chat with a solicitor about your legal/financial position. Your H can be made to leave whether he llikes it or not.

[glossyflower]

He's just cried and said how I don't care about him, I have no time for him, it makes no difference to me whether he's there or not, I don't listen to him. He feels so lonely all the time. He said it will help him if I show more intimacy and he pointed out he doesn't mean sex. I suggested a marriage counsellor for which I'm very keen but he outright refuses and has done before when I suggested it. I said something has to change so it's either counselling or separation. Since I said this, (assuming since he doesn't want to so neither) he's back to his normal self playing with our daughter.
When I suggest we spend time together as a family he just shrugs if for example I say let's take the dogs out for a walk. Or I say let's go to the farm he will say 'dunno' and when we go out he shows little interest. He's such hard work. He wasn't always like this we used to spend time out together all the time, but then they were the days of sex everyday.
Recently he complained my mum was over too often causing us to not be alone often enough. My dad died less than a year ago when my daughter was 2 weeks old I have no siblings so of course my mum would be over a lot. We felt we needed to be together as we were, and still are n shock over the sudden loss of my dad. So then I had to try and suggest to my mum not to come over every night, I got round this by taking my baby to see her in the day at her place of work.
I had a similar issue at Christmas. First Christmas without my dad and with our baby and he complained that my family wasn't offering to have my mum over!

[Handywoman]

He is crying for himself and his needs. He still cannot see it. Please believe me when I say this : you are flogging a dead horse. Is there any chance you could move in with your mum?

[LadyGardenersQuestionTime]

I can't remember where this comes from but there is a theory that broadly speaking there are five ways people show love and know they are loved

• words of affirmation (people tell you they love you)
  
• acts of service (people do things for you)
  
• real gifts (people give you stuff)
  
• quality time (hanging out together doing things you both enjoy)
  
• physical touch (cuddling and sex)
  

I'm not an expert but I'd hazard a guess you need acts of service and quality time, he craves physical touch.

If he won't do counselling then it has to be separation, surely.

[TheBakeryQueen]

It's no wonder you're not sexually attracted to him, his behaviour is repulsive and creepy.

It doesn't sound salvageable really. He doesn't have any respect for you.

I think you would be happier without him dragging you down.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Good sex is an expression of deep affection. If it's a standalone act, it's pretty shallow and meaningless. He seems to be an inconsiderate and selfish bully 90% of the time and then wonders why you don't find him attractive. Of course he won't go to counselling because he doesn't think there is anything wrong with his behaviour.

[Annarose2014]

If he is actually crying cos he feels so lonely and feels like it doesn't matter if he's there or not.....if you have actually repeatedly said to him you don't like kissing or cuddling him....it does beg the question...

Do you actually want him there? Cos it sounds like you wish he'd just disappear.

Do you love him? Do you want him to be living there?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Unfair Annarose. This man thinks the OP is there to provide sex and either bullies her into it or manipulates her into it against her judgement. If she has sex with him, he complains. He thinks that simply because she is his wife she should provide sex regardless of whether he is showing her affection, engaging in family life, being supportive over the loss of her father. He is a deeply unpleasant and selfish individual that has a very dim view of women.

[Annarose2014]

I do not think it is unfair simply to ask her what she wants. That is a seperate issue to talking about him. He may be X, Y and Z. Or he may be cracking up. We don't know and will never know, from one side.

But I think the OP has to figure out whether she even wants/loves him first. Isn't that the most important thing to start from? And go from there?

[HowYaLikeThemApples]

It seems to me you're always going to be in a no-win situation with your DH. You say he said he has felt for some time that you don't love him, would you say these comments started since pregnancy and birth? Is he under the illusion that everything will get back to EXACTLY how it was pre-baby, that you'll both be swinging from the sexual rafters? In his mind he's probably (and very incorrectly) thinking, hey, come on now, it's been 11 months...

I have a feeling he know exactly when you're unavailable for a kiss or cuddle, exactly when you're stressed, tired, too busy, etc. Gives him an immediate platform for complaint to emotionally batter you with doesn't it.

Then add on top of that the massive bereavement you've suffered.

If you make more time for sex, it still won't be enough. You won't be enthusiastic enough, open minded enough, etc. He knows damn well there are things you don't want to do but he asks anyway. You're in a no-win situation really.