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Trying to understand / work out how soon a new relationship should move on

(31 Posts)
Scarey123 Thu 20-Mar-14 10:04:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

"As soon as we met, there was a spark and we quickly made more dates. He has bought me amazing presents, spent a fortune on a fancy hotel and even planned for me to go to France with him for 4 days to visit his friend in July. So, all seems good".

How long a period of time was it between your initial meeting and all this happening?. Hang on, you've only known each other 3 months!!!. This could actually be a possible red flag re him here. "The Loser" springs to mind.

"Also, he made a point of meeting my daughters (he took me and my older one to see a concert in London and took my other one out for a meal with her boyfriend)",

Why was he allowed to do this?. Again this all seems too much and too soon, why did he meet your DDs at all?.

Why has he decided to embark on yet another relationship when he has just come out of one?. Blowing hot and cold on you is also not a good indicator either re him.

Not wanting to be on your own forever (unlikely really) was never really a good reason to start dating again. I would love your own self for a change and slow all this right down with him as of now. You barely know each other.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 10:22:51

Read what you have written, what does it look like? I'd say he's definitely more casual about things than you are, clearly he didn't think it important to make a date for this weekend and instead and in front of you, made arrangements with his mate for both days at the weekend making it impossible to see you, sorry, but that clearly would signify a clear message to me, he's not making you a priority, for now anyway.

Pull back, keep your social life with your friends and family going cos you never know, he might just drop you. He's not giving off any vibes to indicate he's as serious as you are and nothing you can do can change that.

Carry on seeing him by all means but stop putting your weekend on hold to suit him, he seems to hold all the cards, don't let him, there's nothing more off putting than a needy partner, show him what's he's missing and don't be so available.

Dahlen Thu 20-Mar-14 10:29:39

I wish people weren't made to feel needy by simply stating their long term intentions and asking to know if the other person in a relationship shares those. It is not the same as saying "I want to get married tomorrow" or demanding a full-on commitment, right here right now. It simply establishes whether you are both on the same page and can therefore have a future together if things work out as you get to know each other more.

Tell him how you feel and ask for clarification.If he freaks out and runs a mile, he's emotionally immature. You're better off knowing that sooner rather than later. Alternatively, it could clear the air and create a future together for you.

But please read up on the red flags and look for signs of 'mirroring' (where you feel he's telling you what you want to hear rather than what he truly feels). While I don't think not making firm plans with you is anything to worry about personally, the speed at which your relationship has progressed, the fact he was keen to meet your DDs but not allow you to meet his, and his hot-and-cold communication patterns are things to watch with wariness.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 10:36:53

The OP has stated she's gets quite insecure and paranoid, that's what I mean by needy, I do agree that there is nothing wrong with stating your intentions and knowing what the other person's are too.

Scarey123 Thu 20-Mar-14 11:02:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dahlen Thu 20-Mar-14 11:17:38

jan45 - xposted. I hadn't read your post when I posted mine as the page hadn't refreshed while I was typing. My post wasn't aimed at you and I hope it hasn't made you feel as though I'm tackling your post personally. smile

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 11:28:54

Dahlen, no of course not.

OP, you've done nothing wrong, but I think the arrangement he made in front of you with his friend says a lot really, he's not putting you top of the list so don't put him, it doesn't mean things won't move on in the future, maybe he's just being careful.

I did wonder what you meant by paranoid and insecure though?

Joysmum Thu 20-Mar-14 11:29:30

For instance, I saw him last night (his suggestion) and I know he is free this weekend but didn't suggest anything as I wanted to wait to see if he would. Then his friend turned up at the pub we were at and he arranged to do something with him instead - on Saturday and Sunday - and didn't invite me along or anything, whereas those weekends I know he doesn't have his daughter I have deliberately kept free because I would rather see him than do something else. I can do something else on the alternate weekend. Should I be peed off about this? Is he telling me he wants to slow things down? He also blows hot and cold quite a lot on communication. Usually he is the first to text in the morning but after we have seen each other on a weekend, sometimes he can go quiet for a couple of days and I don't hear from him at all.

So he arranged the night out you were on but you didn't then arrange the next one because you eaten him to again.

He's the first to text you but then you pick him up for not texting you.

Tbh if I were him, I'd be wondering what you were thinking as it would seem to me like I was doing majority of the running because you seemed unwilling to initiate meetings or to text me unless I texted first. I'd definitely be wondering if you were interested at all or just using to feel good about yourself confused

Quitelikely Thu 20-Mar-14 11:37:00

I think you're expecting a tad too much at this early stage. He is only doing some activities with his friend for the weekend. That is a bonus of not having a wife to answer to!

It sounds like you're having fun so just continue til it goes further or blows out

Dahlen Thu 20-Mar-14 11:37:47

Every individual is unique, as is every relationship. We don't all behave the same and we don't all want the same thing in a relationship. All any of us can do is say what has worked/not worked for us and give you the benefit of any observations we've made during life.

For my part, after two failed relationships and a lot of soul searching about my own part in those failures, I embarked on my latest relationship determined to handle it in a completely different way. I don't agonise about stuff. I tell/ask. I am extremely direct - not confrontational in the slightest, but I am honest and demand the same in return. It is in no one's best interests to game play. Why pretend to be something you're not or to want something you don't? Who does that benefit?

My current relationship is the best relationship I've ever had. BF says he loves the fact that he always knows exactly where he is with me. IMO you should just come straight out and talk about these things. It fosters good communication (important when more important matters crop up later down the line) and promotes respect.

ElizabethX Thu 20-Mar-14 18:00:27

He's doing it right it seems to me?

You have daughters who are of an age to have opinions about men so he has met them and passed the little test

He has a busy life and a kid of his own

You can't really articulate what you want him to do that he's not doing

What would the next move look like to you?

I am 37 too, single but well attached and without kids...and from where I am standing the next move is surely when you realise this feels like it could turn permanent, no?

Which is not yet BTW, I would not be demanding to know "where I stand" at this stage.

itwillgetbettersoon Thu 20-Mar-14 18:25:10

Far too early to be asking where you stand. You both have children so dating is very different to when you were single. Just enjoy going on dates, maintaining your own friends and perhaps enjoying a hobby. If it is too be long term then it will be without you rushing it. I'm single at the moment but if I had been dating for 3 mths I certainly wouldn't be reserving weekends for him at this stage. I would do all of the above in case it doesn't work.

wyrdyBird Thu 20-Mar-14 20:00:11

He also blows hot and cold quite a lot on communication.

.. this on its own can leave you feeling uncertain, and somehow on the back foot, without knowing why.

If we add the fancy hotel, holiday booking and amazing presents, followed by the 'well I might see you at the weekend or maybe I'll see my mates'.... I can see how this would feel like mixed messages to you.

In your position I would try to give him more space, and see friends yourself for a few weekends. Back pedal a bit, even if you're feeling very drawn to him.

Scarey123 Wed 26-Mar-14 08:27:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wyrdyBird Wed 26-Mar-14 10:21:25

Buy your own gear as you originally planned. You need to anyway. Ring him and say it would great to see him, if you want to. If he asks about the kit, tell him not to worry and you really appreciate his kindness.

You said he insisted I used it ...and tbh I don't really care for insisting, even or especially with regard to favours. Not trying to read a lot of anything into it, but it's something I tend to notice.

Don't worry about messing up. If he cares about you these things won't concern him at all.

Fullyswindonian Wed 26-Mar-14 13:59:12

Your training provider can lend you gear. Unless ou've got a spare couple of hundred for leathers and lid...

Good grief.
This is waaaay too much like game playing to me.
I really couldn't be arsed with it all.
If he's just out of a relationship you are probably a rebound thing.
Just keep taking things nice a slowly for now.

AnandaTimeIn Wed 26-Mar-14 14:42:48

Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option

Scarey123 Wed 26-Mar-14 19:03:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wyrdyBird Wed 26-Mar-14 19:13:47

Ah, don't be annoyed with yourself Scarey123. FWIW, I can see why you feel as you do.

I think you should do your own thing, and give him a ring if you want to. It's a question of what YOU want to do. Wrt the gear, Fullyswindonian makes a good point about borrowing from your training provider.

Good luck with the test, by the way.

Scarey123 Wed 26-Mar-14 22:22:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsIrony Thu 27-Mar-14 00:59:39

I think this sounds like your over thinking it all and it sounds like hard work. Be honest and open about it if you like him but don't leave great big yawning spaces in your life waiting for him to fill them. People can sense that and it's scary. Live your life and let him slot in with you sometimes. I can be very like you and worry and over think it all but as time goes by I'm getting more and more confident. If I don't know when I'm going to see the person again I make plans with friends and family. If I'm free and they suggest something I see them. If I'm not free I say so. If I've got some spare time I'm not afraid to suggest stuff now as I'm not scared of being turned down. I truly believe if the relationship is going to be a good one and he turns out to be a keeper this agonising won't take place.
I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now and it hasn't gone any further than dinner and drinks and to be honest, although I find him attractive and good company, I sort of know its going to fizzle out now. The last couple of times we've been texting he's made a couple of references to the guy I mentioned I was seeing a few months ago. Like he wants to bring it up and tease me with it as if he thinks there is still something there for me. I really can't be bothered with this kind of game playing so for that reason I'm most probably out. Give it time, but like me, if you get worried about that level of detail probably best give it a rest for a while.

Good luck with it all. Be kind to yourself and love yourself before looking for someone else to love you is my mantra.

OrangeAndPurple Thu 27-Mar-14 02:57:00

Live your life and let him slot in with you sometimes. Exactly.

Millyblods Thu 27-Mar-14 09:00:58

Well what jumped out at me from the beginning is that there is someone else.

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