Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am now convinced DP is having an emotional affair

(21 Posts)
sebest Mon 17-Mar-14 13:29:18

DP and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 2. We have one DC and I am now pregnant with DC2.
I was recently flicking through his phone for a text message I had sent him (he knew I was doing this) and I found a series of conversations between him and a female colleague of his. It was banter but definitely on the flirty side. He had put hearts and kisses in some of the texts. Tbh most of the flirting seemed to come from him. I tried to put it out of my mind as have been stressed with work and other family business.
I don't know what I was thinking but last week I looked at his phone again and saw another conversation. This one referred to a picture and DP (hmmm!) was asking if she had sent a 'naughty' picture of herself.
I am fuming. I don't know if anything has happened but it reads very inappropriate to me. I have many male friends and that is not how we talk to each other.
It just feels like such a cliche with me being pregnant and generally feeling quite shit about my appearance.
I just had to vent this as I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

Dahlen Mon 17-Mar-14 13:32:41

You do have someone to talk to about this: your DP.

Emotional affairs cause damage. This needs stopping in its tracks now if you want to save your relationship.

Call your DP on it. You don't have to launch into an angry accusatory tirade. In fact, you will get far further if you don't. Instead simply say you've found the messages, find them deeply hurtful and totally inappropriate and want to talk about it. Then remain quiet and let him do the talking.

flowers We're all here to sympathise with you.

Jan45 Mon 17-Mar-14 13:32:45

Sorry to hear this, and yes you're right to be fuming, he's totally taking the piss and has no respect for you, and to do it whilst pregnant is just sick.

He's trying his best to start an affair with her isn't he, that's how I would read it.

He's a creep OP, to do this at any time is just unforgiveable but when you're carrying his child is just unbelievable.

And, no, I don't text my male colleagues with that shit either. You're gonna have to confront him now, it's only going to get worse otherwise.

Don't you have a friend you can confide in, you can't keep all this to yourself.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Mar-14 13:32:58

Vent away here, but what are you going to do about it ? What do you want to happen ?

SecretWitch Mon 17-Mar-14 13:41:18

Honey, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Your partner is disrespecting you and your relationship. What sort of man sends texts like that another woman when his DP is pregnant with his child? Have a think about how you wish to proceed. I don't think this person is very deserving of your love and trust.

Tiredstilltired Mon 17-Mar-14 13:46:55

What do you know about the woman? Age, married etc?
Poor you.
At best it is flirty behaviour which has overstepped the mark at worst it is the start of something more.
It needs to be raised with your dh. Why does he think it appropriate to show such disrespect to you. He is married.

sebest Mon 17-Mar-14 16:42:15

Sorry to vent and run, lots of running around to do today.
I know I should talk to him but what I instinctively want to say is 'go and be with her if that's what you want'. Another appointment now, will post properly later.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 17-Mar-14 16:45:11

Yup, say it.

And carry it through.

He's a loser, so you can only gain if he does go.

Make sure he knows that.

An emotional affair = an AFFAIR, plain and simple. Asking for pictures?

He's a shit. An unfaithful shit.

I'm sorry.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Mar-14 16:49:41

Well, if I found inappropriate messages of this type between my husband and OW, that is exactly what I would say

"Off you go, sunshine, and don't bother coming back"

CurtWild Mon 17-Mar-14 17:05:30

When DD1 was messing on stbxh phone at christmas, she opened his texts as I took it off her. There were tons of flirty texts on his phone, and one saying he wanted to get a flat in the new year.
I took him at his word and told him if he wanted to flirt and have his own flat then he was welcome to it. He was also emotionally and verbally abusive to boot but this, (along with his verbal abuse starting to happen infront of our DC), was just one more 'last' straw. He now has the flat he was dreaming of and me and my 3 lovely babies have a smashing little home together.
Sounds like your DP has started over stepping boundaries with this woman, wishing you all the best.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Mon 17-Mar-14 17:35:30

Thats how it started with my ex, foolishly I forgave him, 8 months later her fucked off 300 miles away to follow loves young (in 30's) dream.

Talk to him about it, dont let it fester inside of you.

TotallyBenHanscom Mon 17-Mar-14 17:56:39

It could be perfectly innocent. Some banter between two people on the same wavelength that's a bit too near the knuckle.

It's his reaction when you confront him that will tell you all you need to know.

Twinklestein Mon 17-Mar-14 18:53:14

Yes of course asking for sex pics is perfectly innocent.

Banter must be the most annoying word the language.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Mar-14 19:57:39

Well it's blatantly not innocent because he is already having the (emotional) affair.

Speak to him op, ask him to explain himself. There is no possible reason to ask for naughty pictures. Nothing special about it, it's just plain cheating.

sebest Tue 18-Mar-14 17:46:33

Sorry for not coming back..
I don't know much about her besides that she is single.

He had asked her if she had sent hima naughty pic to which she replied no.

I've not said anything yet because I'm feeling guilty about looking at his phone for no reason. How on earth does that work??

Snapespeare Tue 18-Mar-14 18:07:20

You have nothing to feel guilty about and if he attempts to push blame back on you for looking at his phone, then look him straight in the eye and say, 'well, I'm glad I did, because if I didn't, then I wouldn't know that you are having inappropriate conversations with another woman while I am pregnant with your child.'

DrankSangriaInThePark Tue 18-Mar-14 18:11:31

It could be perfectly innocent. His fingers could have accidentally without him noticing sent hearts and kisses and asked for nuddy pics.....and then again.... They could be boffing each other senseless.

Either way he needs to know that you know and get some explaining done.

Might I suggest before you ask him, you read up on some of the threads on here mentioning "the script". I rather expect he'll be using it.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Mar-14 18:43:21

At the start of this thread you were full of anger OP and ready to confront the cheating bastard and tell him to fuck off.

Now you are hanging back and thinking up reasons not to talk to him about it.

What's changed?

sebest Wed 19-Mar-14 01:34:49

I don't know what's changed. I keep hearing the words and trying to see the 'innocent explanation' in this with great difficulty. Then there is a part of me that wants to monitor the phone for more incriminating texts. I find im scrutinising every word he says to me. Im sounding like such a trodden on victim.
Now I'm feeling hurt and upset more than anger. I wouldn't do this to him because through the ups and downs, I have respect for our relationship.
Thank you all, will definitely hunt out 'the script' think I can imagine it already.

dannychampionoftheworld Wed 19-Mar-14 01:57:27

I have banter with one of my male friends. We both love a particular film and sometimes have text conversations composed entirely of quotes from this film. He's never asked to see a photo of my tits, mind.

chateauferret Wed 19-Mar-14 02:12:49

An innocent explanation? For asking OW for a "naughty pic"? The only explanation is that he's a cheating lying twunt who's having an affair, or trying to.

"Don't let the door hit you on the arse" about covers it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now