Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what nice things do you do together?

(77 Posts)
user765 Mon 17-Mar-14 10:22:53

DP has cheated. Had an affair with older woman. Says we don't do anything nice together any more (DD is 8 months old....yes I know he has been totally selfish and treated me appallingly). Anyway he wants to come home and work through it. We have decided to devote more time to each other and get a babysitter etc.

What things do couples do together to rekindle the romance? Anyone in any successful relationships with some advice? Thanks

spindlyspindler Tue 18-Mar-14 20:42:00

Read up until this bit:

"stress of new baby has driven him away"

and then got too annoyed to read the rest. Six weeks to two months of a new baby and his "stress" led him to go on a shagathon with a work colleague? What about you? Where's your responsibility-free sex holiday whilst someone else keeps your house and minds your baby? Oh, that's right, you didn't expect one because you're a grown up.

I'm not saying don't forgive him, that's up to you, but I would be giving any friend who put that forward as an excuse for his shocking behaviour. And if I was minded to forgive him, I would be very clear about which of you should be making lists of ways to rekindle trust and love (hint: REALLY NOT YOU).

TheNewSchmoo Tue 18-Mar-14 20:07:44

I'm a little puzzled with the obsession with her lying about her age. Your OH did not choose to sleep with her on the basis of her age, he did so because he wanted to.

I get why you are angry at her but it is so misplaced. Your OH is in the driving seat here, while you do the pick me dance and I see no incentive for him to change.

Please think very carefully about the route you choose as I can see a lot of heartache ahead for you.

Deathwatchbeetle Tue 18-Mar-14 19:37:57

If it is your partner/Husband's own company she is asking for money from, then I hope he has big pockets, because once a cheater...He will no doubt be looking around for a replacement, who will no doubt want money herself from him when it all goes pear shape, when he once again waltzes back to you.

Apocalypto Tue 18-Mar-14 19:24:23

My idea of doing nice things together is being given the me time to do nice things on my own.

fishybits Tue 18-Mar-14 12:31:06

Go on long walks together
Cooking
Sit on a sofa, tv off, sharing a bottle of wine and talking
Laughing
reading side by side
Doing the crossword
Playing board games
Going out for supper without DD

We sound rather dull blushsmile

tb Tue 18-Mar-14 12:24:52

Right op, I think your 'd'p needs to get tough.

Demanding £10,000 to leave the company is blackmail, and should be reported to the police.

Lying about your age on a job application is normally gross misconduct.

He should act on it and sack her for this. Hopefully, it's written in the contracts of employment that falsifying information on a job application is grounds for instant dismissal. It could be construed as obtaining pecuniary advantage by deception.

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 12:13:21

Fair enough Lilly, can totally see that.

lilly3000 Tue 18-Mar-14 11:52:58

OP yes, I did. It has been a very difficult road but I'm glad that we got through it. It highlighted lots of weaknesses in him that he was't prepared to look at before, weaknesses that I'd made excuses for. Jan45 I think 'imagine' is the point. We all think that we will behave in a particular way when crisis occurs. Until it does we can't know. I understand your point from a logical standpoint, but I actually felt that she was threatening our family unit. It was a bit like innocently leaving the door open and being robbed blind. Of course, in my case the burglar was invited in by my DH ;) Still, being a burglar is nevertheless crap and dishonest and it made me want to kick her arse.

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 11:19:58

I would imagine I'd be far more furious at my man than the OW, she owes me nothing, he does.

Think it's easier to blame the OW cos it moves the anger from him onto her so it's easier to manage maybe.

user765 Tue 18-Mar-14 11:13:20

Lilly3000 did you take your man back?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 18-Mar-14 11:13:04

So what happens the next time he gets a bit stressed? He goes off and shags someone else?

How ironic he doesn't want to end up like his Dad, yet he already has.

Did you get checked for STIs?

If you want to stay with him, the you should go to counselling.

Logg1e Tue 18-Mar-14 11:07:38

I think you're right pobble. Apologies OP.

lilly3000 Tue 18-Mar-14 11:02:08

She sounds like a nutter. But she is his nutter and now there's lots of cleaning up to be done. It isn't your mess - back away and let him sort it out. I understand you loathe her. In my case the OW was older too and I hated her with a fury. I don't know why, but this somehow makes it worse, as if they should know better or something. If you are betrayed for someone younger and more gullible then that's easier to understand. Most people will tell you to focus your anger at him and not her, and they are absolutely right. Still, you can't help your feelings. The only thing that will make the resentment pass is time. Impossible as it might sound right now, one day you will end up feeling pity for her. She has been rejected, embarrassed publicly and now is going to lose her job. Not exactly a winning strategy.

user765 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:56:18

Yeah we haven't had counselling before but he has agreed to go and says he knows it's his problem and doesn't want to be like his dad (cheated and now lives in other end of country estranged from children)

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 18-Mar-14 10:53:23

Logg1e I think you're confusing threads.

user765 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:50:04

He is cutting her out of his business. We are going out once a week together. Sunday is exclusively family day with no working. Thats as far as we have got.

Logg1e Tue 18-Mar-14 10:49:40

I was thinking about the emails and the counselling, and I think he has to come clean to the counsellor too, who he has also lied to and, in a way, betrayed (or at least wasted her/his time).

What a mess sad

user765 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:48:13

He has agreed to go though

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 18-Mar-14 10:47:46

So what's he going to do about it all? And I mean him, not you. This is his mess.

user765 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:46:08

We have not got that far yet!

Logg1e Tue 18-Mar-14 10:43:51

You're not alone OP help is here for you.

When's the next counselling appointment?

user765 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:40:32

I know and he says he has accepted full responsibility and will change and its not me blah blah but doesn't stop me hating her any less. She is a deplorable person! I am left wondering how my life has ended up like this. I feel like I've been dragged into a horrible web of lies and deceit and don't even know how I feel now.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 18-Mar-14 10:33:36

So it's still going on, in one form or another.

You do need to target your anger at your DH though, not the ow so much. Your DH was the one who chose to cheat.

laregina Tue 18-Mar-14 10:15:50

But OP, whatever the OW has done; however scheming/manipulative she is makes no difference. Your H is the one who cheated on you.

There will always be women out there happy to sleep with a married man. Doesn't mean your H had to go along with it. Blaming the OW is an (understandable) red herring, but when did she ever vow to love and honour you above all others? He has to take full responsibility for what he's done.

user765 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:00:50

Probably not. In fact its ironic that when baby was bornhe neefed someone to take some of the responsibilities so he could have paternity leave. That's when she came into the picture then they ended up working closely together.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now