Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Baby due in 7 weeks - all I feel is dread.(21 Posts)
I lay awake most of the night trying to decide whether to leave. I don't think I mean I'd leave DH for good, but I feel like I can't stay with the way things are. He's never home, I do everything around the house, I don't feel like I have his support or that me and the baby are his priority, I just feel so surplus to his life. Baby is coming in 7 weeks and all I'm doing is dreading how my life is going to be if things don't change. I try to tell him how I feel but communication has really broken down - I feel like I live with a stranger sometimes. I think even if I did leave he probably wouldn't notice. Whilst I've been pregnant I've seen a side to him that I don't think I like.
Problem is, I don't know if my hormones are just crazily out of control or whether I genuinely feel this low.
I'd listen to your gut instinct. When the baby's here you'll be a sleepless mess and that's when you need DH's support. If the support is not forthcoming you'll be even more resentful than you are now.
You don't have to burn your bridges. You can wait and see if he turns into Super Husband or Super Dad. Will he be taking paternity leave?
But make sure you have an escape route. Money, somewhere to stay, copies of financial assets, salary, pensions etc if you decide that you'll be better off on your own.
I hope he steps up, but I've read enough on here to fully sympathise with your doubts.
Tell him again how you feel
Tell him you feel it will get worse after the birth
Tell him you will not put up with it
For what it's worth my oh used to do naff all around the house, only in the past six months after I went crackers and turfed him out telling him I felt like a single parent has he pulled him finger out
I would also trust your instincts. When the baby comes you will very likely not have the emotional or physical resources to change your living situation if it is unsatisfactory, maybe for a long while, and it will be very difficult to manage with an unsupportive partner who is meant to be being supportive.
If you cannot depend on your h then I would give very serious weight to your desire to leave. You don't need to decide anything about the relationship now, although obviously these are quite serious problems and decisions, the question is; is your h going to give you an adequate level of support with the birth and the postnatal period? If not then you should leave and go to someone who will, even being alone will be better than being drained by feeling you can't rely on your partner when you're trying to deal with a small baby and new motherhood.
Maybe you could elaborate a little more about this side to him you've seen? It rings a little alarm bell for me given abuse often begins during pregnancy.
teeny's advice sounds really good. Don't decide in haste but do protect yourself with copies of vital things, passports, and working out a place to stay.
Would it help to sit down and talk to him (again) -after- you've done the self-protection thing and say that you are not sure there is any future together? Or write him a letter? Because that way he can't say he doesnt know the score. At that point the ball is in his court firmly and if he gets angry / carries on the way he is then you know that your instincts were right. If he changes for the better then great
Look, he's spent your pregnancy browbeating you into giving him his own way about everything.
I'm so glad you are finally seeing him for what he is.
I think you are right to leave.
Maybe that is the one thing that will get this self-absorbed, selfish, domineering twat to actually recognise that you are a person and LISTEN to you.
Or maybe it won't.
But at least you can have the last few weeks of your pregnancy with people who love and support you.
I presume you can stay with your parents?
I don't know your backstory but are you soon to be on maternity leave or can you start it early? I suggest going away to stay with friends or family for a few days/ weeks even. Give yourselves some time apart. Perhaps this time apart will help you both to appreciate/value/miss each other.
Also it could be hormones, but that is not a bad thing!Sometimes I think hormones are there as they drive us to seek out what we need at that particular moment in time.
You are about to have a baby and have a strong need for a supportive and caring partner. He needs to be respectful and aware of this need of yours!!
Do you have close friends/family you can talk this all through with? Or see if you can get a couple of counselling sessions? Late pregnancy is such a hard time to have to make a decision like this.
Has he always been like this do you think or has he just been particularly weird during your pregnancy?
Try talking face to face again, be open, tell him what you are worried about. If he still isn't taking what you say seriously, have you family you can go visit?
You have options, this may feel like your most vulnerable time but you shouldn't tolerate now what you wouldn't put up with at any other point in this relationship.
Oh, writer I was sorry to read this was you.
I think you've said before that your parents are supportive people, would you be able to stay with them for a few days? This might help you clear your head and might also be a bit of a wake up call for DH.
I think its good that you realize that you can leave, you don't have to put up with this forever. I would start planning for a different future. It might not actually come to that, but just knowing that there are good alternatives for you might ease your mind right now.
Writer....to be honest in many of your past posts I've come across....I've always felt your world seems to revolve around your DH and what to do about 'educating' him re his views on this and that.... I think you both have different views and expectations about certain things, becoming far more apparent now that you have baby on the way.
Hormones can play a huge part in emotions at this stage. Stop revolving your thoughts about his views about absolutely everything, and concentrate on you and baby and what makes you happy. I would imagine you are worn out with it all.
Take a couple of days out to stay with family/friends etc and have some time for just you.
There is obviously some big back story, hope I haven't put my foot in it, just going by Writer's OP. Fwiw if this has been an ongoing situation of not feeling cherished or sharing a life then I'd urge you to not wait for DC to arrive before taking steps to get out.
Could you say a bit about what he is not doing that he should be doing. I think a huge number of people are pretty fed up at this late stage of pregnancy. And feeling cross and irritable. But if your DH is upsetting you and failing hugely to be any sort of support and is making you feel even worse, then there is something to be said for a few days break. I haven't read your other threads so don't know how serious the situation is.
Thank you everyone for your replies - sorry I haven't been back, we had an appointment with our Obstetrician this morning.
I just feel so confused. I completely love my husband, we could have a fantastic future...it's just his attitude has been driving me crazy lately. He seems to have absolutely no idea how much this baby is going to change our lives and I feel like I'm bearing the weight of the worry on my own. He is a very laid back person, which at times is lovely, but I need him to step up. I could talk about things I perceive him to be doing wrong but I know it would all seem pretty petty.
I was signed off sick from work at 10 weeks and I don't think sitting at home all day every day is helping matters. I'm bored, have Cabin Fever and the fact I have nothing going on in my life now I'm off work just means I have more time to sit and dwell on things that normally wouldn't be an issue. As I sit here now there isn't one part of me that wants to leave, but when I'm in the middle of an 'upset phase' it seems to be the first thing that to come to mind.
We were at the hospital for over 3 hours....I think that is the longest time we have spent with each other in quite some time. It was really nice just being together - I miss that. I hate being at home on my own all the time, it just feels so lonely. One good thing that came out of today is that the lady sitting next to us in the Waiting Room was talking to us about her ELCS and I think it opened my husband's eyes as to what is involved - that was another thing that was annoying me, that he seemed to think it was a quick Op, baby comes out and I'm going to be my normal self and couldn't see why I was telling him how much extra help and support I'd need. He seems to understand now.
I spoke to him quite a bit about how life will be once baby is born and what I expect from him and what his 'role' would be and he took it all on board......I think bit, by bit it is slowly starting to sink in that our lives are about to change.
I do feel much better this morning - and I really do believe that it's because we spent some time together....even if it was in a hospital. I'm going to tell him that he needs to make more time for us as a couple because when everything is stripped down, I think this is where my anger and resentment lies.
I don't think it should be up to you to smash it forcefully into his head what effect a baby will have on you and how much things will change for you/what will be required of him. I think it shouldn't be this much hard work to get him to consider your needs as a person and you shouldn't need the 'excuse' of having a baby to get him to do this either. I don't know the back story but from your last post it really seems like you are seeing what you'd like to see. A person this self absorbed is not going to magically change overnight. I'm sure being at home has not helped but I really think you need to be selfish and rely on safe bets in terms of support to get you through the birth/postnatal period.
Do you think you'll be happy with putting this much effort into getting him to understand the world beyond himself once you have a little baby and are recovering from surgery?
The "we could have a fantastic future" thing makes me the most sad because that one choice of phrase expresses to me that you don't believe, based on how he is actually behaving, you'll have a fantastic future but that the things he is not doing seem simple and are ordinary expectations of a partner. But he is not doing them.
'Not doing the normal expected things' just about sums it up. He does the loveliest, sweetest things for me all the time but sometimes I don't want the gestures, I want the hands on practical support. For example, if I've had a really bad few days he comes home with a big bag of all my favourite food and treats and flowers to cheer me up etc, but inside I'm thinking "That's lovely, but all I really want you to do is hoover up!"
After a chat we had yesterday (and after him having seen me upset on Thursday night) he has seemed a little more aware that my mood is fragile as he left work early last night to come home and spend the evening with me and has cancelled his plans for today too so we can have a 'house and baby day' - which apparently means he's going to do all the little jobs around the house that He's been meaning to do and also we are going shopping for the rest of the baby things we need.
Thankfully post-natally we are going to have lots of support. Due to health conditions I have for the first month I'm not really supposed to be alone with the baby so my DH has got a week off work and then when he has to go back to work my MIL is sitting with me for a week, then my own DM will be sitting with me the following week and then my DH has got another 2 weeks off work. It sounds very intense but needs must.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.