Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
If your DH stays in hotels for work, do you know details?(69 Posts)
If you have a dh that has the type of "city" job where he is all over the country/sometimes in Europe at meetings, conferences etc. Masses of social events with clients - ie. attending sporting events and "dressy" occasions ie. at the races, lots of black tie dinners etc. - how much info do you have about what hotel he's at etc.? Do you have access to the hotel details or does he just say "I'm in Edinburgh tonight".
Been together 24 years (with an 18 month separation about 14 years ago) he left me for younger colleague. We got back together and not really had any suspicions in all that time.
Just over a year ago I suspected he was developing a crush on someone at work (also married, junior to him and 18 years younger). Also noticed the distancing behaviour and checking out of the marriage, phone never leaving his side.
I confronted him and he said that basically there was no “spark”, he didn’t think there ever had been etc.
I'd put on a lot of weight (3 1/2 stone)/completely stopped taking any care of myself. I said I’d been very depressed and if he was patient I’d get anti depressants and get fit, start taking care of myself and see if there was still no spark. (I have a busy job working from home as well as doing everything to run house, kids (17 and 9) bills etc.
He said he didn’t hold out any hope for our relationship. I found a couple of flirty emails between him and colleague X and walked out and left. I would not be made a mug of again. I should say here, that I don't believe anything has ever happened between him and colleague X. I think she is very much a woman in a man's world and flirts to get what she wants etc. However, my husband falling for this and running around after her etc, I find frankly cringe worthy.
I knew I needed to build a new life for myself and said he was full time parent, i'd be disney mum. I didn't worry about the kids as he is a loving father and would do everything for the kids.
I was gone for two weeks. He took that time off work and said he couldn't believe he'd left me alone to cope with everything and he wanted to make changes etc. For the first time in his life he'd felt the sheer relentless monotony of washing, cleaning, feeding children etc. He said he wanted to get back for the right reasons as we deserved to be a family again. He said if I didn't want that, he could get an au pair etc.
He always denied he had a crush. He said he accepted that maybe he'd been slightly inappropriate by responding to flirty emails as he was married etc and he understood it was disrespectful.
I agreed to come back, but only if he was completely open about passwords etc so that I could build trust up again.
A few months into our new start I found out he’d lied about a trip he was on. He told me colleague X wasn’t going to be there. Turns out he’d actually done her booking for her and was staying for 3 nights at the same hotel. They had meals near the hotel at the end of each working day.
He says he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me overreacting to something he couldn’t change. His job does involve staying away with various members of the team. They were both working at the same event, and couldn’t eat separately.
I can understand this, however him booking her into a hotel was far too considerate and treating her like a princess – let her book her own bloody rooms. He said yes in future he would do that etc. Anyway that blew my trust away when I saw receipts etc that he’d been eating out with her and booking her into same hotel whilst saying just ran into her occasionally at the event. We spoke about it and he agreed to just say if she was going to be somewhere with him rather than "avoid me reacting" etc. I was very much swayed by his calm reaction and wanting to reassure me. I knew if he had something to hide he typically "storms off" etc.
The affair he'd had 14 years ago was now very much in my mind and I felt waves of insecurity etc. I'd question him where he's been etc and sometimes felt ill from worry. Gradually the trust started to return.
Sometimes hotels are booked by the travel department, but he says he prefers to do it himself as he can check for gym facilities etc. and in the past he would have used laterooms.
Cut to last week, the transparency we spoke about last year seems to have slightly disappeared at some stage. I was thinking things were ok but last week he was away overnight. I've had access to his account on laterooms, but hadn't logged on for about six months as things seemed ok for us.
I tried to log in to laterooms, but he’d changed his password. I mentioned this to him and he said he doesn't really use laterooms much any more and offered a suggestion as his password for laterooms, but it didn't work either.
Being able to know I could log into laterooms to see where he was staying, was part of me building up trust again.
I then realised he wasn’t having his work credit card statements sent to our home address anymore. I asked him and he said he didn’t really use laterooms anymore, didn't know about the credit cards.
He's been bit evasive and I haven't directly asked for new passwords etc. as I know what he's going to say. He feels like he's being checked up on etc. I'm very much if you've got nothing to hide, there's nothing to hide etc. Massive row yesterday.
I can't live without openness etc about where he is (based on previous infidelity). He says that was years ago and he's proved himself since then etc.
What do you think? In my position would you want access to hotel details? Or am I being unreasonable?
No, I don't know the hotel details because I don't need to. DH tells me where (which city) he's in and I have his mobile/can contact work if I need him. However he absolutely would tell me if I asked and he does mention the hotels in passing "Oh good I'm at XYZ tonight, they have a nice pool" Or "pants it's ABC tomorrow, I don't like their breakfast"
I'm sorry but you have much bigger issues than not knowing which hotel he's in, but I think you know that really
Hello thanks for replying. Yes, previous to last year I was same as you and didn't worry about details anyway. Since last year, and for building trust I feel differently. I haven't really had this out with him yet, just a sinking feeling about a conversation that needs to be had and what the outcome will be. I don't want to live not trusting, it definitely makes you ill. I need to find out what he's got to say and make a decision.
It's not for him to say whether he's proved himself. That's your call.
In your situation you should have access to whatever necessary to check if he's telling the truth. If it's not given, on his past track record, I would assume the worst.
I'm the main traveller, though dh travels too. Unless it comes up randomly as in 'I'll be glad to be at x again' or 'rats its the scummy y', we don't tell each other where we are. Though obv if the other asked we would.
In your situation, I think I'd be doing some joint and separate counselling to help him see that he needs to be open and honest, and for you to decide whether you can feel trust generally again.
What about you, oldzebra? Do you still feel depressed? Are you now taking care of yourself?
If not, the reason is fairly obvious . . .
Btw my husband travels for work now and again, but he doesn't have a past history of lies and infidelity. What other people do in this scenario is irrelevant.
The real point of comparison would be to other women whose husband had been caught out lying and cheating.
I would say the anti-depressants have worked. I've rediscovered an interest in listening to music. For several years I seriously "couldn't see the point"! I've got more desire and interest to do things, but feel frozen too. I'm trying to come down on the anti-d as I need to tackle the weight issue and I don't think they're helping that.
You're right that really the comparison is with someone whose husband has been lying previously. He doesn't get that.
My husband travels a lot for work. He'll always tell me which hotel he's at and normally leaves the number. He also leaves flight numbers and contact details for team secretary who books their travel. Admittedly I don't strictly need the details as I have his mobile but he likes me to have it in case - which I like. I think any evasiveness about this would make me feel quite uneasy.
I hope nothing is going on for you OP.
As others have said, I don't know DH's hotel details, but he'd give them to me without hesitation if I asked. The password change / credit card thing does sound a bit dodgy to me OP. Hope you're OK.
My XH travelled a great deal. His secretary would send me his itinerary automatically - it was just the system he had requested. I don't think I ever read it but I did appreciate the transparency. It didn't stop him having an affair with someone who wasn't work related.
I only know what city he is in, sometimes just which country. I rely on his mobile. He does meet certain colleagues regularly depending on the country, but it's more a reunion kind of thing.
But that's normal for people who haven't cheated. Your OH doesn't get that privilege any more.
That 'frozen' feeling is a response to stress.
It seems like you're frozen in a kind of limbo whereby you want to be able to trust your husband but you don't really know what he's up to.
I'm away for the next two nights and DH has no idea of details beyond what city I'm in but I would obviously tell him if he asked or it came up in conversation.
I'd agree with PP that under your circumstances any evasiveness would trouble me.
I think your DH hasn't really got to grips with the reasons within his own personality that meant he could give himself permission to have an affair in the first place. If he had done, he would have been able to put the shutters down on the crush by telling you about it before it developed. He would also be 100% transparent about hotels etc whether you wanted him to be or not. He would be the one who just provided the info.
Lots of red flags here sorry.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
He thinks the fact the infidelity was 14 years ago makes it irrelevant today.
I've tried to explain (without wishing to sound over dramatic) but it's almost a post traumatic stress reaction. A certain chain of events, or mannerism that reminds me of that time, will "put me straight back there". However, that wasn't the case for a long time and it has been triggered again by last year's events.
He says he can't understand my extreme reaction to a couple of flirty emails. He says he'd understand it if he'd been as he charmingly puts it "ball deep". However, he feels it was entirely innocent etc.
You're right entirely about why I feel frozen. Hadn't thought of it like that before. It feels very risky to trust someone who you know is capable of lying.
Affairs can be forgiven and couples can move on but I don't think they can be forgotten and his attitude that it's all in the past coupled with his current evasiveness looks bad, sorry.
Sadly, he doesn't get it, does he?
Infidelity is never irrelevant.
If work happen to send a nice typed up list of flights / hotels etc, I'll forward it to DH. Otherwise he just knows where I'm going.
Likewise he will forward his flight details to me, and depending on how the hotel is booked, it may have hotel details on it. I wouldn't ask for them, but often know where he is "the X is full, and I'm back in the scummy Y with no restaurant"
BUT, if asked, I'd get the details out for him, and he would do the same for me. I think you need mopre than that because of what has happened previously.
However, what security would the knowledge give you? ie you know he's in the Parris Hilton, but it still wouldn't tell you if he was there with anyone?
Dh well mention it in passing or I ask him.
But that's not what you're really asking is it? You're asking if someone who has recently cheated and should be doing everything in his power to regain trust is behaving acceptably by lying about his whereabouts. And I think you know the answer to that one.
From the way he has acted, Id say you are well within your rights to ask for Hotel details for every trip away.
Does he regularly go to the same cities, as he may tend to use one Hotel. Similarly, if he travels regularly, try and get him signed up to a Points scheme - Hilton, Marriott etc, as then he is more likely to ise them and you can sort of 'keep tabs' by counting up hos points / stays on the pretext of using the points towards stays for the two of you.
I don't think you are being over dramatic by calling it post traumatic stress, that's exactly what I inferred from your description of feeling 'frozen'. Pts is a feeling of 'overwhelming stress', and the freeze is a survival mechanism.
My DH links me in to the travel planner he uses so I have full details of all flights, travel times, hotel bookings. He keeps in touch by text, phone or email every day, even with time differences.
He also has no history of affairs or lying. Given what you've said about how your H is behaving now, and how he's cheated in the past, I'd also be very suspicious. He's being very evasive about something.
I send DP my trip advisor confirmations & he usually sends me a link to TripCase for his travels. I'm the more frequent traveller by a long way.
I'm not sure I actually read his TripCase or he my emails to be honest (since he's been known to ask where I am), but the info's out there.
I have a city type job btw. I eat on my own often. It's a rare occasion where I have to eat with a colleague near the hotel and particularly not a junior (if the boss wants dinner, I'd tend to go but that's for my own benefit, if a peer or junior it's is I want to go).
I often have early flight and late working, so can use that as an excuse (I'm not trying to avoid an affair, but would just often prefer to go for a light seafood dinner at a restaurant I like than yet another stodgy meal with the same people I've been with all day. I'm weird like that.)
Point is, I can't see why your DH if senior couldn't:
- Have a headache
- Be going to the gym
- Want a quiet one
- Have to stay back & not sure when he'll be free so just go for dinner without me
I did have a few colleagues that wouldn't eat out alone so if saying no they were doomed to M&S takeaway pasta for one, but tbh that's their problem not mine. I've never felt the least bit odd in a restaurant in the City with my Kindle. Me and ever second person there in some of them...
I think your DH is being at best disingenuous. You absolutely can avoid people on business trips if you want to, unless you're in a hotel in the sticks on a training course or something (which doesn't sound like the situation here).
Join the discussion
Please login first.