Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think I am the only person in the entire world who does not want sex

(77 Posts)
SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 00:51:39

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why cant I just be like everyone else?

The whole world is shagging. Every fucking thing seems to revolve around sex and innuendos and I am like such sad fucking cold fish. A freak.

And now my marriage is fucked up. Why cant I just be normal?

Am sat here in floods of tears wondering where the fuck I go from here.

My options laid out to me this evening are:

1: Attempt a proper marriage with sex

2: We attempt a sexless marriage (done that and its failed - see options below)

3: We live as we are now as friends but DH continues to hook up with randoms he meets on the internet for sex discreetly

4: We seperate

He so say loves me but resents me for the lack of sex.

He has a point, I struggle to do it. I rarely get the urge.

There is a back story. Tonight I found another phone which apparently has his hook ups and sex chat on it. He would not let me see it but finally admitted to it. I discovered similar a few years ago and we tried to work through it but I cant face sex with him as I "know" where he has been and moreless what he has done - seen the details of anal etc in chat. Its the lack of sex thats driven him to do this.

Its all my fault because I am a shit wife. Why can I not be like everyone else in the world and be gagging for sex morning noon and night.

I know all this is my fault. I have been evil and selfish denying him sex and yet expecting him to love me and stay faithful. Although this is a shock I have suspected for a long while and yet I did nothing. I dont understand why I am so shocked and hurt tonight. I am being over dramatic when I dont deserve to be. I have brought this on us.

I fucking hate myself right now. I feel like dissapearring off the face of the earth to some cave where a freak like me can exist all on my own but despite my obvious sexual abnormality I am a mum to 2 beautiful girls who I adore and need me, so there is no escape.

Just sat here shaking, crying and like my head will burst. Sorry if I am waffling, I am not thinking straight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 07:16:00

I'm sorry you felt you had to stay married at all costs and I'm sorry you blame yourself now. Truth is you probably should have called it quits when you first knew this man was cheating. He has nothing but contempt & disrespect for you. Resentment and mistrust do not make for a happy, intimate, loving relationship.

Please get legal advice and some good information on what your rights would be in the event of a split. Right now it's fear of 'how will I manage?' that is still keeping you trapped but there is help and you have options. If your DD is having emotional problems it may be in part because she lives in such a dysfunctional environment.

It is not acceptable that he expects you to sit meekly home while he goes out screwing around. Please talk to someone you can trust.

CityTiliDie Mon 13-Jan-14 07:21:08

My DW doesnt like sex much and has a very low libido, we have been married for 13 years have one dc and have sex about every 4 weeks and often it could be months in between DTD but in all that time I have never been tempted to stray or shag another woman.
I love and respect my DW way too much to do that.
We have been through all sorts of crap because of it but because I LOVE my DW I have got help me to deal with her low libido and we are as strong as ever.

Your H is a TWAT!

None of this is your fault.

Get your self respect back and leave the wanker and while your are at it get a STD check too.

Stay strong and get your life back.

You can do it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 07:35:33

BTW.... Domestic violence takes many forms. He may never hit you and I see you refer to yourself as being 'friends' but, in coercing you to not only tolerate but condone his repeated and blatant infidelity, and in causing you severe mental distress and self-hatred in the process, your relationship is almost certainly abusive. He is not your friend.

Fairylea Mon 13-Jan-14 07:35:49

None of this is your fault.

I suspect it's all stemmed from the fact that when the dc were babies he hardly helped, you were exhausted, sex became another chore (and I don't blame you feeling that way, it's normal) but instead of letting that pass and talking together he went and shagged someone else.

That would kill my interest in sex too. Completely.

I'm not surprised you've never managed to get any desire for him back. It's ok you know. You are normal!!

Plus not everyone is swinging from the chandeliers. People talk about sex generally generally far more than they have it.

You need some time alone, away from him. He's fucked with your head and you deserve better.

LegoCaltrops Mon 13-Jan-14 07:39:02

CityTillIDie - thankyou! Pretty much what I was going to say, but you said it from the man's perspective.

Since our DD was born, my libido has almost vanished. What little is left, is squashed by our both being exhausted. My DH is very patient about this. He says he'd rather spend the rest of his life having no sex with me, than have sex with anyone else. It will come back eventually, probably a hell of a lot faster because I feel loved & supported & he tells me often that he finds me sexy.

Your husband sounds like an EA, manipulative twat.

Rooners Mon 13-Jan-14 07:54:24

In your situation I'd be grateful that I hadn't been sleeping with him very much as it would have helped protect against any sexually transmitted illnesses he may have contracted from his many encounters.

Perhaps part of it is your body trying to protect you.

I am desperately sorry that you are in this situation and that you're married to such a horrible man x

MissPryde Mon 13-Jan-14 07:59:24

Your husband is an emotionally abusive douchebag. I'm sorry for being blunt, but I've been there, and it's amazing what they can run on you.

None of the negative feelings you have about yourself are deserved. Nothing you did drove him to cheat. Cheaters cheat. A loving, emotionally available husband would be understanding of the exhaustion and loss of libido taking care of small children leads to. He made his vows to you. A proper man would go without, he wouldn't seek sex from another source.

And you should not feel you have to act like a porn star, ever. Sex in a loving relationship is comfortable and enjoyed by both, it isn't a performance. A partner should not push you into any sex acts you do not want.

Seek help and get out. I hope all goes well with this job. Are there any relatives you could turn to? I believe ending things with the bastard will be far better for your daughter in the long term - some of her problems may stem from this happening around her. Good luck op. I hope it all works out.

And again, do not blame yourself. You sound like a lovely, caring person and mother. I'm sorry your husband has twisted your view.

birthdaywrappingpaper Mon 13-Jan-14 08:12:29

I have been in the same situation. Pressure to have sex (that I did not want, no feelings that way left) to keep the marriage going as HE needed sex. And it was all my fault.

Back story, he raped me after birth of first child. I suggested we tried it, it hurt, he ignored me when I told him to stop.

Also had youngest who didn't sleep at all for 2.5years, I to was exhausted.

He was also (as your dh is) emotionally abusive.

He did absolutely NOTHING round the house, inc bills, arranging repairs, diy (he oiled a door twice in 8 years...woopeedo).

As above I was exhausted and after the rape I actually didn't really want him near me. I did not trust him. He also had sex in a porn star way...I look back now and its like he mentally had an audience...!

I too had duty sex, made me feel like a prostitute too. I only did it to keep the marriage going for the children, I didn't want to be a one parent family.

He also did not allow me to get out and about, I had one night a fortnight (reluctantly given) to go out, but if he decided he wanted that night, he would just tell me at he last minute 'no i'm going out its x's bday/xmas night out' etc and go, leaving me with children again.

He never did anything special to make me feel special/wanted/loved/cared for, no hugs, ever.

He kept all our savings in his name, so I had to ask for extra money to get repairs done etc, apparently I should have saved up out of my housekeeping money. It was also not enough for clothes for myself or shoes, just had to go overdrawn. And he earned A LOT of money.

Oh and he never ever praised my parenting of the children.

He made me feel like it was all my fault that I did not want sex.

It was a sexually/financially/emotionally abusive relationship.

When we went to separate he blackmailed me to go to relate about our relationship, he told me that I dare not go as I was too embarressed by my behaviour (lack of housework/poor parenting) and she would expose me. Bloody didn't, it exposed him, end of the first session she had me speaking to womans aid and the HV.

He told me that the reasons for getting a divorce from a such a good marriage were so frivolous that most likely I would not get any benefits.

He emphasised how hard it is to be a lone parent, over and over again.

He's a dickhead.

I got lots of support from relate, hv, social services, domestic abuse servies (tho they do back off after threat is over), gp's, police, friends (always always speak to friends how you are feeling DON'T shut down! It weakens your resolve and you end up listening to HIS voice instead of theirs), the local sure start centre. They all helped me.

It is not your fault for not wanting sex. He should have been a good enough husband to you. But he wasn't. He was/is an abusive husband.

Use a free half hour to speak to a few solicitors (that way you also get an hour and half of advice, most of it the same, some different and helpful ;) ). Go online and use the benefits calculator. Housing wise, speak to your housing association, explain your circumstances.

Whatever you do, get out. Listen to your gut feeling. This is not right what he is doing to you. Get angry. Get really angry with him. And use that anger to fight back. You CAN do it.

As for the children, I found mine were better after he went, not immediately better, but we are a close unit now, he used to divide and conquer with us. He tries that still, but as I have them the most of the time...it doesn't work quite as well.

Oh and sex wise, its been 2 years ish, I still joke to people that I don't need contraceptives anymore, I just remember my ex. He's put me off sex for life.

Anyway. C'mon, think all this through, LISTEN to what makes sense from what people have said on here. And when you are ready, start googling. Don't listen to his voice, its hard I know when they are digging at your deepest fears, listen to ours, we'll help get you back up again and get your happiness back smile.

And have on repeat The Wanker Song

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 16:19:16

Thank you for your replies. Its reassuring that someone else kind of knows what it feels like.

I am just sat here in despair. Dont know what to say or think.

Infact I have been busy all day doing various shitty jobs that needed doing but think I have been avoiding thinking about it.

I just want to be on my own right now to try and think straight. I cant even think. FFS I need to get a grip of myself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:21:56

If you want to be alone, there's nothing whatsoever stopping you from telling him to leave for a while. He's set out various horrible choices for you which included '4. We separate'. Call his bluff, take him up on the offer and give yourself chance to think perhaps.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 16:49:17

yes you are right. I know you are. I just have no backbone.

It's just hit me the actusl realisation he has been doing this most probably for the past 10 yearssad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:53:37

It's OK... can take a bit of a run-up to go from realisation of the truth to having the strength to assert yourself. Easier said than done, I know. Besides which, years of being told you're a crap wife that is to blame for his affairs won't have helped your confidence. Give it time though and something will happen to finally spark your anger.

Do you have no-one you trust IRL that you can talk about this to?

birthdaywrappingpaper Mon 13-Jan-14 16:56:46

You don't have to do anything yet. I found just mulling it over in the back of my mind (for nearly a year!) and coming to terms with what was happening, working things out financially, gradually helped me change the balance in the relationship. I felt more in control, secure, ready to ask him to go and have everything in place. It comes to a natural tipping point I found. Don't get into stress over it. Start telling people about his behaviour. It is disgusting, no one (bar maybe his mother) will support him doing this to you. You don't ahve to mention the sex between you. Are there any supportive friends you could confide in? Just one?

Meerka Mon 13-Jan-14 17:09:15

sadfreak just want to say one thing:

Some people do have lower levels of sexual desire.

And there's nothing wrong with that!

Do you have any idea if you would enjoy sex in different circumstances? Do you ever get the urge? (even if you're thinking of someone other than Mr Shagaround). Do you keep yourself happy that way now and then? or is it something you just aren't bothered about?

But I think it's impossible for you to tell what your levels of sexual desire are or aren't because who can fancy a man who they can't trust and who doesn't help them? Trust is essential to relaxing which is essential to having good sex. No trust? Hello, no interest.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 17:10:13

thanks for being here ladies and not thinking ffs get a grip which tbh is probably what I would think if this was not me.

There is only one person who knows the full story inyil last summer and that's my best mate. She lives 1 and a half hours away and has not spoken to me since Sept or October. We have not fallen out but drifted because of busy lives (I have posted under my usual name about how sad I was about this)
I also suspect I pissed her off a little bit as she was the only person I could chat to about my marriage and think I got a bit like a scratched record. There is deffo an atmosphere between her and me ight now.

I will get a grip just right now I just feel so ... I don't know kind of utterly deflated.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 17:15:09

Having been the friend in this situation, you're right. The 'scratched record' thing can get annoying if someone won't take the step from 'complaining' to 'acting'. Sympathy is finite. However, if you are tipping more towards acting and you want to run an exit plan past her I bet she'd be thrilled to hear about it.

Mouldypineapple Mon 13-Jan-14 17:35:38

You've got a lot to think about right now. Lots of good advice here, no rush. Just take things slowly, one day at a time and think calmly about who might be able to help you - friends, family etc The advice about solicitors is good, try it or the CAB, find out what help is out there in your area for your individual situation. Once you have info you will feel better equipped to take the next step. Your children may well feel relieved once you're away from this man. They're not daft, they'll be able to see how unhappy you are even if they don't know all the reasons why. Slowly, slowly you'll find a way through this to a much happier life. One that you're perfectly entitled to away from this bully.

birthdaywrappingpaper Mon 13-Jan-14 17:38:15

Deflated will turn into action smile You can feel totally beaten one day and the next be up and fighting...you will get there.

Anyone else you can talk to? I bent my friends ears about it...I have five friends I told, and I made sure I took turns bending their ear about it! Some of them were not that close, but as the ex's behaviour was so disgusting I saw no point worrying about it being talked about by accident...I did pretty much trust them not to say anything. I tell anyone now about his behaviour.

Your ex has A LOT to be ashamed about.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Mon 13-Jan-14 20:42:59

Stop being so cruel to your self. You are not the one in the wrong. Not having sex does not make a women a freak what a horrible word. Not just to use about yourself but what if a women was abstient from sex due to a rape... Also some people are Asexual and have to sexual desire It 's your body if you don't want sex then what concern is it of other people. Also I sorry to state the bleeding obvious but I think it's clear you have has sex in the past hence the production of your beautiful children. xxx

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 23:13:04

Well I am in bed and he is snoring away downstairs on the sofa.

I want to sleep as I hardly did last night. I have college tomorrow and so far am doing well on this course so need a good nights sleep to face tomorrow. I am terrified of turning out the light and lying down because the tears are already in my eyes. I just know I will spend another long night crying into my pillow. I am terrified I will lose the plot in college tomorrow. I just need to keep it together.

Silly silly thoughts come into my head some nice from when we were happy and had so many hopes and plans for our future and others vile and horrid as the penny drops as to where he was all those times he popped into work or out to the shops over christmas.

I feel out of control of my emotions and thoughts and its scarey tbh.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 23:15:31

Sorry to keep moaning this is my only outlet right now. Thank you so much for reading/listening.

I am reading and taking on board what you are advising and telling me.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 23:21:19

Oh sad sad

It will be ok. It's a massive hurt you have to be kind to yourself. Try not to worry about college and sleep. If you can't sleep worrying about it won't help. Could you talk to college and see about special consideration/emotional support?

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 23:32:46

Make 2014 the year you finally put this awful relationship to it's final sleep.

This man is only ever going to make you unhappy. He is going to make you ill and he gives not one shit about that fact. Don't let him do that to you.

Pleasetryan0ther Mon 13-Jan-14 23:41:48

Does your college have a counselling service? They might be able to give you a few sessions at low cost, just to help you focus on what you want to do now.

idlevice Mon 13-Jan-14 23:43:41

I don't know how you can bear to have this prick in the house. Sorry that's not very supportive but I am so angry on your behalf.

Can you get some space away from him to gain some perspective & think, maybe in a few days once you have got over the shock of this latest (& final) realisation? There will be a lot of messy stuff in your head & heart but you need to make a practical plan of action for your sake and DCs. There is a lot on MN in the way of what you need to do practically, fortunately so it can be of support, but also unfortunately because there are so many wankers that treat their supposed loved ones like this . . far, far too many.

Although you have gone through shit times you got yourself through them so you have the inner strength & resources to draw on to work your way to a better place, even if it doesn't feel like it. Do try to hook up with your friend if there's no-one else - she must have been a decent sort if you were friends before so I'm sure she'd step us, any of us here would, in a heartbeat.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now