"Staying together for the sake of the children" were you that child, were your parents right?

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

I cant count how many relationship threads ive been on where still "staying together for the children" is cited as justification for excusing the inexcusable. It doesnt matter how may of us who have been there as the child say its unfair, year in year out its still trotted out

The guilt it puts on a childs shoulders cannot be understated "they dont like each other but are only together for me, therefore its my fault they are unhappy" and the long term damage it does in forming own relationships as "a normal relationship should have drama" or "its normal for the person im with to not trust me/be trustworthy"

I can understand "I dont feel I can live without him" "I feel we can get over it" "How will I manage financially" ultimately thats the perogative of person going thought it

I dont expect anyone to act on what I say but I hope maybe I can give them food for thought and help them make the right decision for them. But I wish just once I would see - "im not sure that staying together in these circumstances is right for our child" or "will my child think its OK for for him/her to be treated like this/behave like this If I accept it?"

No one can help having been put in this situation, it is the unfaithful/abusive partners fault but control can be taken in the ^decision about what to do about it and how that decision will affect your child's long term perception of what is acceptable in a relationship

There is no stigma to being divorced anymore, some children actually have a better relationship with a separated parent as dad cant leave it all to mum. I appreciate "finance" is still a motivating factor, I can understand that - I also understand its hard to give up when you love someone as your heart takes a while to catch up with what your head tells you.

It would be interesting to hear what other adults who have grown up as the child in this environment feel about it.

I'm one of those adults. I like to think of myself as an upbeat sort but having spent a few days with my parents over Christmas all the old misery came back. By the time we left I felt positively hollow. It's so depressing to see two, now elderly, people still having a pop at each other because one cooked too many slices of toast or something else equally trivial. I have never been specifically told that they stayed together for our sakes so don't feel guilt, as such. Just an incredible sadness. I also hate to blame them for mistakes of my own in subsequent relationships but I can certainly see the influence.

My parents have never admitted it and I think until we mentioned it thought we were oblivious. They used to argue every night when we were in bed it was very nasty.

They get on well now (in the slightly grumpy snippy way older people do)

It just annoys me that its still used as a justification - this is 1950 there is no stigma to separating. Fine if someone wants to stay with a cheating shagwomble thats up to them but dont hide behind the children - just say thats your reason.

LOL this "isnt 1950"

My parents have been together over 40 years and on the whole are affectionate and happy. I'm aware of a couple of rough patches when we were children when they stuck grimly by their obligation to us as a reason not to split, but these were very short periods of mutual dissatisfaction, and fairly soon they both reinvested in the relationship for its own sake rather than ours. I think if a couple is having a fairly brief rough patch, then there is something to be said for sticking it out for a while to see if it gets better. But the idea of living in misery for years on end, or just living half a life - it's not fair on ayone.

Oh, and as a reason for continuing to live with abuse, it's really, really not a good one. It's never a better option for a child to continue to live in a household with abuse.

I was that child. Regrettably, I blamed my mother for years, for not being strong enough to leave. I only have contempt for my EA father.

She's still there, still utterly, utterly miserable. She has wasted her entire life. They 'celebrated' their Golden Wedding last year.

My parents' horrible example is the reason I never married or had kids.

I'm one of those adults. My first recollection of my parents discussing splitting up (or rather should they go for marriage guidance counselling) was dinner at my grandma's house, New Year's Day when I was 9. My parents eventually split up 3 months before my 18th birthday when my dad finally had an affair and my mother kicked him out.

My parents didn't like each other, didn't respect each other. They sniped at each other (as a child, you don't really hear, or care about the detail, you are just aware of the tone and the meanness). But they didn't really argue much (I wasn't aware of them arguing when we were in bed) and there was no physical abuse between them.

However, ours was not a happy household. Neither parent was happy and my childhood was miserable. The day my dad said he was leaving was one of the happiest days of my life!

I've got stuff on the narc threads, so I won't go into detail, about my mother. I think that is the reason she was so difficult. My dad was also on the receiving end of her behaviour and attitude and he took his frustration and sadness out on me. By being physically abusive.

When I was 27, my dad apologised to me, said they had only stayed together for the 'sake of the children' only he had since realise that that had damaged us far more than splitting up ever would have done.

I have chronically low self esteem, no self confidence, I know I wasn't loved (I suppose they didn't have the capacity for that when they hated each other so much). I don't have any happy memories of my childhood and I have great difficulty forming and maintaining relationships myself as a result. My brother reacted differently, but despite having a beautiful (in every aspect) wife and baby is a very unhappy man. I won't reveal his life on here, but the scars are there.

I'm about to start my most recent (and hopefully final) lot of counselling sessions in the next two weeks to try and unpack some of it.

I wish they'd just split up.

I was going to say, it's nice to know I'm not alone in this but actually I suppose that's not the right thing to say is it?

I think eventually as an adult you have to give yourself a good shake and not blame everything on your childhood but realistically it has affected all my relationships - friendships (not many) and with men. Happy with H as he doesn't crowd me but wouldn't be surprised if it ended tomorrow.

If just 1 person read this thread and thought twice about using the children as their excuse/reason for continuing with a bad relationship then I would be really grateful

I was only talking to a good friend yesterday about this and she feels she has made a huge mistake in staying with her EA, controlling husband 'for the sake of the children'.
As a result they have spent years walking on eggshells, they have seen and heard far more than they should have and have a terrible example of relationships.
Her ex is making life hell for them all and the children (now early teens) are being terribly affected.
TBH she says he would have made things impossible whenever she decided to leave, so she didn't really have a choice, and at least now the kids can choose whether to see him. With someone like that you can't win, so she just tried to do what was best.

I was one of those children - it was totally the wrong thing to do.

Of course, those of us whose parents stayed together can't say for certain that things would have been better if our parents had split. Potentially we could have swapped bitter people feeling obliged to live together for bitter people living apart, still making life difficult with each other with us as piggy in the middle. 'What's best for the children', whether people stay together or split, is that it must be done with good grace.

My parents did. Lately I've been thinking they were monumentally stupid to imagine making themselves miserable for years would make me and my siblings happy, though I try to remember that I have the advantage of hindsight.

I would like to add that when my relationship with my dh broke down in 2011; because there was no abuse involved, i was put under huge pressure from my dm (she was upset and worried about the impact of a split on the children) to do exactley this, "stay together for the children". But for exactley the reasons others have posted on here, i didn't, much as dh at the time felt that would be better. We are much happier as 2 households sharing care for the children 50/50, than as one miserable one. Dm can now see this and although can still lament "poor dh..." Now sees that it would not have been the way forward.

I've no idea if my parents have ever thought of seperating and decided not to because of us. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'd much rather my mother was happy than them stay together. Living with my dads moods meant I was always on eggshells and he was/is an emotional bully.

I hear my mum sometimes 'joke' about leaving him now that my youngest sibling is approaching 18 years. I have responded quite seriously saying that I would not blame her. Any time she mentions his bullying behaviour and expresses doubts about it, I tell her I believe her and say how unacceptable I think his behaviour is and I try to express my belief that she deserves better.

I hope that at some point she will have the courage and insight to leave him, but I think she must have convinced herself that it is not that bad, as you do when you are living in a situation and surviving it. She has apologised to me for not protecting me from him as a child so maybe she is aware, or maybe she feels it was more directed at me, I don't know.

I know I have personal responsibility for my own health etc as an adult, but I have had years of trying to get myself out of the habit of the coping methods that I learnt to deal with his behaviour as a child. I used to hide in my room then and passively zone out while he shouted at me, and tried to be 'perfect' to avoid him flying off the handle and now I'm still recovering from agoraphobia/anxiety/depression.

Whatever the reasons she stays/ed with him, I do hope she wasn't thinking she was doing me a favour, if so she was mistaken.

My parents stayed together a good decade longer than they should have. I never even remember them being in the arguing stage - they just ignored each other mostly, had multiple affairs (on both sides), and bitched about each other to me and my sister. It was horrible.

I agree that people should try to work through rough patches, but if the relationship is clearly dead then you should leave. My parents are much happier apart - both have remarried now - and they only wish they'd split up earlier!

Mine stayed together until the youngest (me) was twenty. My dad was abusive, jealous and controlling and my mum a sweet kind lady who couldn't/ wouldnt really protect herself or us from him. I had wanted them to split up from a very young age as he was really horrible and snooty in the extreme. Growing up in this household scarred all four of her children immensely, to the point of one suicide (not blaming just the childhood for that but it definitely played a part). I'm crap at relationships and boundaries within relationships. My relationship seems to be slowly getting bad and I realise I want out so that my DC's don't witness the nasty breakdown in communication that can turn so nasty. So guys..... Don't stay together for the 'sake of the children' and if you do, don't tell them as yes it can lead to guilt on top of all the other shut you have laid on them. Thanks OP for asking the question.

Not snooty, shouty! Actually shouty sounds to nice.. Aggressive and intimidating is what I meant.

I'm a child of that stupid reasoning and it hasn't done me or my siblings any favours.

My mum is miserable as ever and my dad.. well, I don't 'hate men' because I'm a radical feminist.

I've told my M no end of times, during the last 20& years that she should've left my EA F, her answer has always been "I had no choice, had I left he would have kept you kids" F told her in that if she left, it was without me and my sis. That he had the family connections to make sure that we stayed and she went, she wouldn't have been able to provide half the things we had when we were growing up. I heard that mentioned a few times. Material things don't count for diddly squat though do they? Especially when you live with a mother who is so brow beaten she can't think for herself.

They stayed together until 24 years ago, when he forced her hand, she had to make a choice between him and her children. (My younger sibling) However my M is still totally dependant on him, so although they divorced, and live in separate houses, she never actually left him. I'm not sure she's ever forgiven dsis for it either

I had this, too. I don't know if it was because of us that they stayed together, could have been financial or any other, different country, different reality. But I heard some horrible things my dad said at night when they thought I was asleep. I still am baffled why mum put up with it.

No child should hear what I did, ever.

He also used to 'joke' every anniversary: 'it's all your fault' to me. Well, at least I knew why they HAD to marry, I was already on the way... Funny joke...

I'm fine and have been lucky in bumping into my DH. I still wouldn't ask mum any questions, though, and had always reverted to a childlike attitude with my dad when he was still alive. I don't ever remember a normal adult conversation between us. They didn't know I knew and I could not ever tell. So I don't think it damaged my relationship with DH, but it sure as hell damaged my relationship with my dad. The one time I opened up I came across as a hysterical brat, so never tried again.

Sorry to waffle on.

Interesting thread. I think there are people around saying "we were making each other miserable so we split up and everybody's happier", though, if you look around for it. Also I did felt a terrible sense of shame on separating, not so much from what other people said, but internally. Yes, this is not the 1950's but expectations of family relationships are still pervasive. So saying that there is no stigma attached is unrealistic, especially if you consider diverse cultural expectations.

I agree with what you are saying, I just wanted to ask you to think a little more about the context you are saying it in.

I felt a terrible sense of shame on separating, too charcoal

I felt I'd let my children down by failing to provide them with a loving and stable home life.

But now we are apart, I can see how much happier they both are. And, in fact, they both report being.

But the sense of shame is terrible.

My parents stayed living together until my brother (the youngest) left for university. No abuse, no infidelity, just pretty separate lives under the same roof. We knew (they didn't share a bedroom for a start), but I don't remember living under a cloud or anything like that. I have the most enormous respect for the way they handled things in order to minimise the effect on us. They are both now happy with new partners. Of course, they could perhaps have been happy earlier had they separated properly earlier, and that is my only regret (not sure if that is the right word...). I'm sure they wonder the same, but would never say it to us. I think they did make our lives simpler at least by their choice. I am very fortunate.