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What do I do? :(

(40 Posts)
elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 21:17:08

I have been doing some KIT days at work before I go back in Feb after maternity leave. Dh has had 2 weeks off work over Xmas and has been looking after Ds while I worked (quite reluctantly may I add). I am supposed to be at work tomorrow. He has now decided he doesn't want to look after Ds and is currently drinking. Just spoke to him and his exact words were "don't go dumping him in the bed next to me in the morning."

Since Ds was born I am looking at things in a different light, I fear I may be in an EA marriage. He tries to make me feel guilty by saying he doesn't get much time off work, he has looked after Ds all week, he wants to enjoy his last weekend off without having to look after Ds. But I don't get ANY "time off"! If I am not looking after Ds I am at work. I mentioned possibly having another child in the future and he said not until I have lost the weight I gained after having Ds. (less than a stone, might I add) fsad He puts me down in front of his friends, quite slyly though.

I don't know what to do. I know what people are going to say. But I just feel so sad and alone at the moment. I feel so stupid and naïve. I just want to cry right now.

KalevalaForMePlease Sat 04-Jan-14 10:37:57

So sorry OP, but you're doing the right thing. He sounds like a selfish arse. You deserve better. thanks

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 10:24:39

Big hugs, you and ds deserve so much better x

elephantintheroom1 Sat 04-Jan-14 10:17:51

I am on the train now. I have ds birth certificate, he doesn't have a.passport or anything. Yes the child benefit is in my name and goes into my bank. Feeling pretty numb at the moment.

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 09:26:47

All the best, I think in the circumstance the best thing you can do is go to your Mum's for a while taking all the important paperwork with you. I hope the child benefit is already in your name. If you decide not to go back or go back merely to sort out splitting up start a claim for CTC as a single parent. This means you can't do ANY household tasks for your h but that is his tough luck.

OliviaBenson Sat 04-Jan-14 09:19:17

I lurked on your other thread op. So sorry it has come to this.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 04-Jan-14 08:51:23

It's amazing how many men think they are the real human being in a marriage, and everyone else is just there to provide a pleasant background. Their job is the one that takes priority even when it's lower paid. Children should be packed up in little boxes until it's time to play with them. Such main do gain a lot having everyone tiptoe around them, but they lose a massive amount too - starting with genuine respect and affection from their life partner, and sadly, a deep bond with their own offspring.

Whatever I may say about my ex - and I often do - he did truly love his babies, and regarded looking after them as a privilege rather than a chore. There is no way we would have lasted 25 years if that had not been the case.

GeordieCherry Sat 04-Jan-14 08:37:45

From reading other threads like this, be sure to take any important paperwork with you & stuff like birth certificate for ds

He probably won't like the fact that you've stood up to him

Sorry this is happening thanks

Kandypane Sat 04-Jan-14 08:30:49

Omg this man us a disgrace. Go to your mums OP. I'm sorry you have to deal with this utterly selfish prick.

lekkerslaap Sat 04-Jan-14 07:58:35

Bloody nora!

I would have kicked his arse so hard he would be in Australia by now. I think your life will be a lot easier without this self entitled twunt.

Sorry Op, best of luck and stay strong.

Santabroughtmethis Sat 04-Jan-14 07:34:59

Are you sure you'd have to leave the property? I have a friend who had 2 children with someone in the military and when they separated she got 1 year in the house with the children.

AgathaF Sat 04-Jan-14 07:19:54

I'm late joining this thread but have just read it through. Given that you can't keep the house anyway, and that your family is miles away, and that you have separate finances and some personal savings, I think that you should do as you have told him and get yourself and your son on the train to your mum's. Take what you need and can carry, and then come back with family to get the rest whenever you can.

He is not a husband or dad. He is a selfish git and I doubt very much that that will change in the near future.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 07:10:45

I'm sorry he carried on in the same vein. Hope your mum is supportive. As for how it's got to this, it would be very rare for someone to change personality overnight. I expect, if you think about it, he's always been selfish and you're only appreciating how much now that you have responsibility for DS. Good luck

elephantintheroom1 Sat 04-Jan-14 07:08:35

We rent, but it is through the MoD (Dh in the military) so I can't make him leave (it is all done through his name, and the rent, council tax and bills all come directly out of his wages before he gets paid). It is married quarters, so if he left, I would have to leave too.

We don't have any joint finances, I have always wanted to maintain financial independence. My work pays in cash anyway and I have personal savings of about £2500.

To be honest, I don't have much of a support network around here anyway. No family and few friends. If we separated (looking likely) I would want to move closer to my family.

NakedTigarCub Sat 04-Jan-14 07:02:56

Your ds should not have to leave his home.

Santabroughtmethis Sat 04-Jan-14 07:01:41

What a selfish prick.

Sorry OP.

TobyLerone Sat 04-Jan-14 07:00:42

And yes. I'd tell him to leave.

NakedTigarCub Sat 04-Jan-14 07:00:39

You need to make an appointment with a lawyer to know where you stand legally.

Do you have a joint bank account? Do you have access to your own money?

TobyLerone Sat 04-Jan-14 06:59:45

He sounds like an utter cunt. LTB.

Your DS won't notice/remember how little his dad cares about him now, but if you stay with this 'man', in a few years he will.

NakedTigarCub Sat 04-Jan-14 06:58:00

Dont leave the house.

You need to ask him to leave. Is your name on the mortage?

elephantintheroom1 Sat 04-Jan-14 06:47:32

I got up and started getting ready for work. Put an awake Ds in the bed next to Dh. Ds starts crying and Dh wakes up in a temper. "I told you yesterday, I am not looking after him, you can't just dump him on me and get your own way all the time."

I said fine, I am going to take Ds and get the train to my mum's for a few days. He said do what you want with him.

If we are getting in the way of his precious "me" time then we may as well not be in the house at all.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I am not sure what is going to happen next, but I want to see my mum and talk to her and I sure as hell don't want to be around Dh at the moment. I have no idea how it's come to this to be honest.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 22:39:48

Good luck...

elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:34:36

OK, thank you. I will do that! Going to head off now and get some sleep, we will see what happens in the morning. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 22:18:15

The best thing to do next would be to take a firm approach in first instance. You're going to work so he has to sober up fast, sort himself out, straighten his face and look after DS properly while you're gone. Not negotiable. If he chooses to argue the toss or be uncooperative then you show him the door and tell him not to come back. Work will have to wait another day.

When you've got a bully on your hands the only way to deal with them is through strength. Give in to them and all you get is a bigger bully.

elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:12:47

Thank you everyone. I honestly don't know what the best thing to do next would be. Wish I could have a cuddle with Ds but he is sleeping!

the question is do you want to be having this worry every time you work
I know men need their own time but there comes a point when their 'own' time should not be questioned with looking after their child.
you should not have to be looking for childcare
I think if you are questioning yourself you are probably not in the right relationship.

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