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Ex boyfriend still contacting me after 18 months

(29 Posts)
Angelina7 Tue 17-Dec-13 14:23:55

Hello,

I'd like to hear some opinions if possible or what you did if you have had a similar experience... My ex bf is still contacting me whichever way he can after 18 months of breaking up with him, I did break his heart admittedly, I was his first love & long term gf, we had bought a flat together the previous year & when I moved in with him I just wasn't happy as he was quite needy & needed cheering up a lot. Since then things have happened quickly, I met my current partner & we have a baby & are living together & very happy, however, my ex is still trying to contact me & it's terrible late at night if I get a text from him when I am with my partner as I have to hide it from him. Things with the ex ended horribly as he was so angry with me & became unhinged, harassing me, chucking all my belongings in carrier bags on the pavement outside my parents house in the early hours one winters night. I hoped before these horrible things happened we would remain friends as I felt our relationship had just turned into a friendship anyway but since then, with all that he has put me through & my current situation, it is impossible to try to get that friendship back, that would be weird and wrong. Sooooo ... What to do ... Carry on ignoring all his contacts & hiding it from my partner? Or block him frm my phone & email (if that's possible)? Or reply to him, or any other advise? Sorry this is long but it's really gone on too long now & causing me unnecessary worry when I have enough to do really without worrying if I'm being fair or doing the right thing.

Thank u & sorry!! Xx

bzoo Wed 18-Dec-13 16:15:04

The police never showed up. I haven't heard from them today. I'm sat in my home with the blinds closed and the doors and gates locked.

Angelina7 Wed 18-Dec-13 01:57:28

That's true Dirtybadger, I didn't think about it like that, just thought I was saving him a lot of worry by not telling him, my partner knows things from earlier on in the break up, he knows about the ex dumping all my belongings on the street when I was still paying my half of the mortgage & he knows things that happened during the process of putting the property on the market and during the sale of the property (which took ages), I just haven't let him know that since the property sold he is STILL harassing me with messages. I'm not keeping it from him coz there are things to hide he just didn't really seem to want to know about my ex too much from the beginning, he had his own break up of marriage he was dealing with when I met him and I just don't want to complicate things more but I agree I should tell him he has started contacting me again and that I am blocking him so that it doesn't cause any more complications. Xx

Dirtybadger Wed 18-Dec-13 01:12:00

I really think you need to tell your DP.

I understand why you're saying you don't want to, but if he finds out somehow (your ex could start contacting him, which would be awful) the fact that you haven't told him may look suspicious. Especially as I'm sure your ex, considering how infatuated/obsessed he still is, would tell lies in order to ruin your new relationship.

All you have to say is that your ex (I'm assuming he is aware of him existing) has started contacting you again. Tell him you're blocking all forms of contact, but please could he let you know if he attempts to contact him (new fella) because you'll need to let the Police know.

To be honest even if he doesn't find out if your ex carries on contacting you your new partner may well start wondering why you're being secretive about messages you're receiving and such. It won't look good.

Angelina7 Wed 18-Dec-13 01:11:06

bzoo, it's good to hear someone else has a similar situation (though of course I wish neither of us were in this situation!) you would think the ex's would be able to pick themselves up & move on by now, but neither of ours seem to want to. Sounds like your in more of a stalking situation than I am which must be so scary, I know the police don't appear to do anything but do keep reporting everything he does so their is record of it just in case you do have to call them on him one day, And stay safe, always let friends/family know what's going on too so people are looking out for u. I hope it all fades into history soon x

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 01:09:28

I think you would feel a lot less got at by him if you were frank with your current partner. You are sharing your lives... But this is a worry that you are not sharing with him. The longer you don't tell him for the harder it will be.

Angelina7 Wed 18-Dec-13 01:02:24

Wow, just been catching up on all that advice... The messages from the ex have a different tone nearly every time, some say they miss talking to me, some say things like you'll never Guess where I am? & some have a go at me for not staying friends or for what happened etc ... All basically trying to get my attention & I ignore them all since I emailed him a final goodbye type message months ago when he found out (I don't know how) that I now have a baby, and he sent a goodbye message back but & stopped messaging for a bit but it seems to b getting more frequent again, not even ignoring seems to discourage him!
I don't tell my partner because i see it as my problem, not his, my family knows but they knew the ex obviously so I find it's gd to have their advice, but I just always tried to keep it to a minimum with my partner, it would be weird if I started bringing it up now & I don't really feel the need to with him, unless I felt unsafe like he was following me & then of course I would but I don't feel unsafe I just feel a bit fed up with always wondering what to do about these messages, forgetting about them and then randomly getting another one etc.
I think I will take a lot of your advice & just block him, I blocked him a year ago from Facebook but will do it to the mobile & email too and at the same time so I don't get any grief about blocking him from him! I always thought he would bring the messaging to an end himself which would be gd for him & gd for me (to know he's finally moved on) but that hasn't happened so I'm going to have to take control of the situation I guess. Xx

Cabrinha Tue 17-Dec-13 19:35:26

Well that's great that you're getting advice from the police - well done for standing up to him!
You didn't say why you haven't told your partner though. I don't want to be nosy - just I guess I'm not the only one worried that you're scared to, and like you say - you shouldn't have to be scared!

Meerka Tue 17-Dec-13 19:29:48

Follow cabrinha's advice.

one text to tell him not to contact you any more.

If he continues, keep a record, get him blocked and if you feel it necessary just ring the non-emergency number with the police.

Do tell your partner what you're doing and why.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 17-Dec-13 18:42:19

He could be stalking and seeking to harrass or intimidate but he could just really want an opportunity to explain himself and be heard. Surely which one might be apparent from his messages?

You don't owe him a hearing though, so your response can be the same either way. I just think if he wants to be heard or even to be friends, a one line brush off would be helpful to state your position. Otherwise he may feel it's worth persisting until 'the time is right'.

Obvously if he continues after that it tips into stalkerish behaviour anyway.

bzoo Tue 17-Dec-13 18:08:42

Please do tell your fella. It's not something you should feel you have to hide. X

Hissy Tue 17-Dec-13 18:05:03

You need to tell your DP, and you need to get advice from the police. I think they have teams that deal with stalking.

bzoo Tue 17-Dec-13 18:02:08

Well, I contacted the police earlier. Because next door knocked on the door to giver a parcel that came whilst was at work. I was terrified it would be my ex after declaring he knew my address.

They are coming over this evening.

I realised I will not be terrified in my own home by and ex of 16 months ago. How dare he!

Lweji Tue 17-Dec-13 17:51:55

Block if you can.
If he persists, tell him to stop or you'll report him to the police.

If the contact affects you, you could obtain an injunction. As he is a former partner, it is classed as domestic abuse.

Cabrinha Tue 17-Dec-13 17:11:25

I would text him once that any further contact will go unopened AND lead to you speaking to the police.
One warning, and mean it.
Then block, ignore, keep records.

Also worried that you can't tell your partner. Are you scared of how he will react?

FutureDreamer Tue 17-Dec-13 17:01:51

Why on earth are you not telling your partner? Have you told ex you don't want him to contact you? Be blunt and then block him

sapfu Tue 17-Dec-13 16:45:18

Why do you have to hide this from your partner?

What is the nature of the texts - are they pining for you, threatening, friendly, demanding, what?

Joysmum Tue 17-Dec-13 16:36:28

Glad the others raised this, why haven't you told your partner?

bzoo Tue 17-Dec-13 16:36:13

I feel your pain my ex of 16 months still contacting me. Yesterday it was I know where you live bi have done for a long time.

Today it was messaging me my home address to prove he knows. Had police involved months ago. They did nothing but have a word with him bits continued.

They won't do anything until he physically does something. confusedconfused

FolkGirl Tue 17-Dec-13 16:31:01

Block; tell your partner; log them with the police.

43percentburnt Tue 17-Dec-13 14:45:48

What are his texts saying? Are they threatening? If so it may be best logging them on 101. Ask them if they suggest you send one last message stating 'please do not contact me again'.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 17-Dec-13 14:41:07

(and yes, the only way to eventually get peace from needy people is to block and ignore COMPLETELY. I hope you are not answering any of his messages.)

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 17-Dec-13 14:39:56

Like lottie, I wonder why you are keeping this secret from your current partner. Your ex's behaviour is not your responsibility, and if he is your partner he should want to support you through anything that is upsetting you.

KirstyJC Tue 17-Dec-13 14:38:51

This sounds like stalking to me - you need to block him and tell your current partner too.

Depending on what he says in the texts I would also be seriously considering getting the police involved too. If you are finding this distressing then it suggests that they are not nice in tone and would therefore be illegal. Maybe if the police had a word with him, he might finally stop?

Abitannoyedatthis Tue 17-Dec-13 14:35:36

Do not reply to him under any circumstances. If your phone company cannot block his number, change yours. Make sure he is blocked from your facebook, twitter etc and if you have mutual friends, consider what you post as he may be able to see stuff. Consider dropping mutual friends as they may be feeding information back. Delete any email without reading it. I think you can block senders on your email account.

What I did was to tell ex that any letters etc would be binned without reading. Eventually he stopped.

If he still tries to contact you see a solicitor or tell the police if you feel threatened.

HanselandGretel Tue 17-Dec-13 14:34:21

What is the nature of the texts? are they pleading or angry etc?

Sounds like he was in a right state when you split up and is finding it hard to move on...depending on how he is at the moment, I would suggest if it's possible, to kindly but firmly tell him to move on and that a friendship isn't possible...end of, no false hope there and after that then ignore any more contact.

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