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help! advice needed - just don't know what to do...

(23 Posts)
fizzfiend Sun 01-Dec-13 23:36:27

My friends are all sleeping...and I just want some perspective here.

Have been dating fantastic man for the last 18 months. He makes me laugh, he tells me all the time how much he loves me and we always have a good time together.

But I've never felt I can trust him 100%. I know it's not my insecurities...it's that 6th sense. Anyway...got hold of his phone as you do and found him sexting a friend of mine. Honestly, I was not surprised..that 6th sense always works. I honestly think he really loves me a lot but he just can't help himself - it's a bloody shame. I am sad and disappointed...yet again by a man..and my f***ing "friend."

Thing is he has told me before during arguments that it would be the end of him if we split up. And I know he's tried to end it once before. I am scared that he might do this again. And I can't admit to reading his phone, so how do I present him with the facts?

I sound rational, but I am deeply hurt. I'm just trying not to fall apart. We have talked so much about the future, etc and I was so happy. F***ing men...so crap...

What the hell should I do?

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 01-Dec-13 23:40:14

Run like mad & don't trip over the red bunting on your way out. smile

Seriously though, bloody shame if everything else is perfect, but those spidey senses are what to trust.

No need to explain to him why just say you need to move on, change your phone number, get keys back & end it being grateful you found out in time.

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 01-Dec-13 23:42:20

Oh & confide in your "friend" one last time that he has given you a nasty Rash......then delete her number too.

fizzfiend Sun 01-Dec-13 23:48:11

thank you...I know I have to do this. So sad. But I love your solution with my friend...I am going to be strong here...god I hate women who do this to other women.

I am so sad...I am never going to find anyone else who makes me smile so much but I am so tired of the anxiety that 6th sense causes...

MissMarplesBloomers Mon 02-Dec-13 00:00:10

I know its sad but when its done I bet you'll feel a sense of relief.

And yes you will be stronger & hopefully find someone lovely AND HONEST to laugh with again.

WinterWinds Mon 02-Dec-13 09:26:32

Think about it. Your sixth sense/gut feeling was telling you that something wasn't quite right. you were picking up on something but until now you didn't know what. so I would say that before you found the texts then deep down you knew that he wasn't the right man for you in the first place. You will never gain that trust back now.

Own up to the fact that you looked at his phone no need to give the reasons why, as its done now and you have seen the messages, actually can you forward the messages to your own phone so you have proof? He will ultimately deny it but if you have it in black and white then there's no going back.

He may threaten to do something stupid if you split but I honestly don't think he will. He will use it as a guilt trip to stop you breaking up with him. Don't fall for it you have done nothing wrong.

If he truly deeply loved you 100% then he would never have taken this route in the first place never mind with your friend, talk about shitting on your own doorstep!!!!
He is not worthy of your respect, neither is your so called friend.

Get Rid of both of them, you don't need people like this in your life

Stay strong!

anapitt Mon 02-Dec-13 09:41:01

I'd confront him and see what he has to say for himself . I'd do the same thing to the friend .

Bogeyface Mon 02-Dec-13 09:50:20

Regarding his suicide threats, that is blackmail plain and simple.

If he throws that at you then say "I am sorry you feel that way but I am not responsible for your mental health, I think you should see your doctor" and if you get "I have taken a load of pills, I cant go on without you" then call the police and tell them what he has done. Pound to a Penny he will never do that again.

Dont let your fear of what an emotionally manipulative man might do, but probably wont, force you to stay with him. The man is a shit, get rid.

ALittleStranger Mon 02-Dec-13 10:35:12

Err you leave.

There's really no other option.

He's emotionally manipulative and not giving you the basic non-negotiables in a relationship.

Then you give yourself space to grief and rack of the coals. And then you find someone better.

When you're not feeling the hurt and looking at this from the outside it really is that bloody simple.

SandyDilbert Mon 02-Dec-13 10:38:03

and please don't minimise his behaviour by saying he can't help himself - is that what he has told you?? That is so terrible and so sad that you think this behaviour is acceptable.

get rid and run like the wind and thank all that is holy that you found out now and don't need to waste another moment on him or your friend.

Run like mad & don't trip over the red bunting on your way out

^^THIS!!^^^^^

Run for the hills.
They are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 02-Dec-13 10:44:37

If he is behaving like this then he doesn't love. Also you cannot stay with someone out of fear of them hurting themselves. That is emotional blackmail.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 10:45:43

Come on, love. Congratulate yourself that your spidey senses were right all along, dump the fucker and detach immediately.

Don't get into any of this "he might hurt himself" crap. I don't expect he was threatening suicide as he sex-texted your mate, was he ?

Wise up

MamaMumra Mon 02-Dec-13 10:46:19

You don't have to even confront him. Just explain that this isn't working for you and you don't think you have a long term future together. Sorry this has happened, but good on you for trusting your instincts.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 02-Dec-13 10:54:12

Well exactly. How much shit should you have to put up with in order to prevent him harming himself? Does he have a green light to do absolutely anything because if he doesn't get away with it you will be responsible for his reaction? Clearly you're expected to put up with it for as long as he feels like staying with you. You're only off the hook when he gets a better offer (shouldn't be long now, he's working on it). Is this right and fair? Hell no. Get out, then he will be forced to get help for his issues if indeed they exist . Even if you are a trained therapist you are not in a position to fix this.

oldgrandmama Mon 02-Dec-13 10:55:52

What a pair of unpleasant shits - 'friend' and boyfriend. Agree - run for it. As for the 'friend', you'll be feeling a HUGE sense of betrayal. I've been there ... exH was having an affair, I didn't know who with, and used to cry in the arms of best friend, while she said 'there there, all men are bastards ...' etc. etc.

After a year, I found out who it was. Guess what? Yup, you guessed! angry

Anniegetyourgun Mon 02-Dec-13 11:00:15

Gosh, oldgrandmama , that's awful. It's incredible how two-faced some people can be.

passedgo Mon 02-Dec-13 11:06:13

Saved by your instincts! Run, detach and learn. Read up about emotional abuse and narcissists and thank your lucky stars you were born with your 6th sense. Be there for your friend when she falls, don't let this arse get between you and a good friendship. He has manipulated all of this through a need to control people. Prepare for his next attempts to draw you back in, they will involve promises, pity, threats, ignoring, seduction. Don't fall for them, but remember your friend is also a victim here.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 11:40:35

Whatever you do, do not gang up with your cheating bloke against your female friend. He will try and manipulate you into that. Just watch.

Jan45 Mon 02-Dec-13 17:55:00

He can't help himself - why not, does he not possess a brain? Good, nice men don't do this don't fool yourself that it's a man thing, it isn't, it's him being a shit because he clearly is one. I'd for sure be asking him about the texts and then I'd be waving goodbye, same with your friend.

fizzfiend Mon 09-Dec-13 12:49:36

thank you for all your advice. Sometimes we just need other people to help confirm we are doing the right thing.

He has been dumped. I am very sad, but I know it is the right thing. In fact, weirdly I am feeling almost, sort of relieved in a way.

Thank you. I hope I can keep my resolve..

Well done.
I'm sure you can keep your resolve.
How did it go with your 'friend'!???
Keep strong.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 12:56:01

If anything your friend did you a favour. I'd be heading over there with a big thanks for taking dickhead off your hands. All that crap about killing himself was just that, wasn't it? Didn't take much to show him up as a liar. Glad you made the right decision.

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