Overbearing mother!!

[Mrspebble]

I posted before under a different name and lot of people gave me great advice.

Since then, I have had a baby and while relations have improved with her.. I am still upset. Basically she is critical, short tempered and opinionated. She wasnt a woman to boost your confidence.. Especially as a teen and young woman. Anyway, I have become very indpependent over the years.. She still has a hold on me. When I got married, she stirred shit with my father and dh.. She often tells me she doesn't want to be here anymore (ie. doesn't want to live). Yet when company is around her she is the life and soul of the party. Nobody would believe me except a few that she has turned on.

When she comes over, she puts baby in her face.. Go on smile.. Go on smile.. I think she is trying to be nice. Then it's constant .. Oh you need different bottle types, oh he needs to be in brighter colours, oh I don't like him on the floor (in babygym), oh such and such has a fanastic buggy, oh they are a fanastic mother ( hint hint... I am not)

I try to respect her and have tried some things she has suggested like faster flowing tears.. Totally wrong... Made him full of wind.

I think what is hurting me is not the advice (I have a lovely caring mother in law I can talk to and few friends who were pregnant same time as me I can trust). She was a terrible mother.. Took me years to admit it. She doesn't like changing nappies.. She moaned and moaned how hard we were, dismisses all achievements.

It just pisses me off that she thinks her advice is great... Grrrr... Sorry for all that...

[Mrspebble]

Tests not tears

[magicstars]

Hi Mrs, do you live near your DM? My DM is also a complex character and very controlling. Its so hard to break free, even as an adult with my own dc and dh, I find myself considering how she will react to every decision I make
I am coming to the conclusion that the only way to gain some independence will be to live far away from her. If and how I will do this, no idea.
An interesting book about relationships is called 'games people play'. It's heavy going but I've definitely had more success with her when I don't revert into 'child' mode.

[Mrspebble]

Thank you magic stars.. I can't move away, but did live away for many years.. I will check out that book. Thank you

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

She's a bully. You really don't have to put up with more of the same in the interests of 'respect'. The only way to deal with a bully is to say enough. Stand up to them, call them out, tell them to shut up with their opinions and stop being so ridiculous. She will take offence, throw her toys out of the pram and generally have a massive tantrum but you have to stay strong while the power balance shifts. She may have brought you into the world but this is your life, your baby, your family and no-one, not even a mother, is entitled to spoil the experience.

[savemefromrickets]

She had her time with her baby and did what she wanted to do. It sounds like she didn't make the most of it. This is your time with your baby - please don't let her spoil that. I have been in a similar situation and have recently sought help in order to become more assertive. I now feel sorry for my mom in that finding fault with others is clearly the only thing that makes her feel better. That said, I've become less passive and challenged her behaviour - not in a mean way, but in a 'thanks for the invite but why would I want to spend my time with someone who will use it to criticise me?' way. It hasn't backfired or caused a massive ruction. She has realised that I am not duty bound to see her - nor, crucially is her precious DGS - and so she is making an effort to be more kind. She has even said that she loves me which I don't ever remember hearing before. I feel lighter and happier. I hope you can achieve the same.

[Retroformica]

When she is critical can you have no contact for a while after? Keep in good contact when she is nice?

When she criticises you, factually point out that she is criticising you.

When she tells you what to do about feeding etc, tell her you don't want to discuss it and change the subject. Then not respond if she raises issues a second time or remind her you don't want to discuss it.

Also stop raising issues she might get opinionated about.