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Please help me before everything is ruined

(76 Posts)
LittleBlondeNinja Sun 03-Nov-13 00:56:39

Please help me.
Background ds is 2.5 he is great going through the terrible twos but great, Been with dp not ds real daddy for 6 months and things have gone awful - he is literally still here because of me beggin him not to leave.
DS sometimes calls him by his name but daddy most of the time.

Its mostly my fault. I am very insecure and in a way controlling I guess - dp works and supports us he gives me money to sort bills etc etc, recently ds has been real hard work tantrums and laughing when getting told off and im at the end of my tether...my problem is I feel like im putting dp before ds - dp wants ds to know its wrong to kick etc and so do I but im more lax and he Is more strict - and more shouty than me. DS is pushing me to limits literally clenching teeth when I put him back in naughty corner for 6 millionth time

So, what roles should DP have after 6 months in terms of ds? What should I be expecting? What is a do and a don't? He shouts over the noise of his tantrum and explains what he done wrong and why he been in naughty corner and places him in naughty corner? I don't agree with hitting so we do not hit - I have smacked bum 3 times in the whole of his life in bad tempered shit headed rage but not hard and not to hurt. What the hell should I be expecting??

Help....

Also need to wean ds off calling dp daddy - ideas?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 03-Nov-13 09:22:38

spring - to be fair, there are a lot of very worrying statements in the original post

Lots of posters have given good, practical advice.

Because its fairly clear cut, the alternative is to say to the OP that yes, she should let this stranger because that's essentially what he is treat her child badly and that she should prioritise her relationship with him overhear relationship with her DS - not on.

What is vey clear from the Serious Case Reviews that are issued unfortunately from time to time is that one of the biggest risks to children is an unrelated male living in their house. That is a matter of fact. I am not saying that the OP's boyfriend is suddenly going to do something awful but there are red flags in this post and it's better that they are honestly addressed rather than putting the OP's feeling above her DS's needs - another theme that has also been recently identified in various case reviews

viperslast Sun 03-Nov-13 09:34:06

Children, no it isn't hence the post still being here! Hq would only pull the thread if they thought the poster was a troll or had risked outing herself.

Op, hope you have managed to get something helpful from these posts by reading around the more harsh stuff. Mners can be a bit call it as ya see it at times!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 09:48:39

Just re read your op again.

You have the example of kicking. Of course at 2.5 he needs to know its wrong. What I used to do when my dd went through a stage of hitting me was to hold her hands away from me, (after catching her mid hit) and saying in a very firm voice "no, that makes mummy very sad, don't hit me please" and show a very visibly sad/cross face.

The shouting just won't work- you'll end up with a shouty boy. The hitting wont work- you'll end up with a violent little boy.

You say he's there because you've begged him to stay. Please op, be realistic. If your dp doesn't want to be with you 100 % and its doing harm to your little boy then why cling to this situation?

Please put your boy first.

flowers for you, I think this thread will be hard for you to read but please consider what people have said.

notapizzaeater Sun 03-Nov-13 09:56:44

I agree with the other posters, 6 months is far too soon. Is dad still on the scene ? Can he help at all ?

whattodoo Sun 03-Nov-13 09:59:45

I agree with clouds. Tell your DP to leave, and go back to dating. Get support from HV or sure start center regarding discipline and behavior. With just the two of you, you can address the behaviour in a far calmer and more consistent way.
Is DS's bio father in the picture? Do you have friends/family to babysit while you go out on dates with boyfriend?
It needs to be clear that no one disciplines except you, and that he is not your child's daddy.

Breezy1985 Sun 03-Nov-13 10:08:07

I agree with everyone else really, I've been seeing someone for almost 6 months and haven't even thought about introducing my DC yet, they know I have a 'friend' who comes round sometimes when they're in bed etc..

You really do need to get some help, have you got any friends/family to babysit, talk to your hv. I had homestart round in the early days, they weren't for me but I can see why they are for others.

Your op is so sad sad though I do see that you know you need to do something, slow things down with your dp maybe and concentrate on your DS, you will get there.

WearingAnUmbrellaHat Sun 03-Nov-13 10:12:17

I've been with my bf 5 months and have DS (10) so admittedly a bit easier than a 2.5 year old. The closest he gets to being involved in discipline is telling him to say please and thank you and telling him not to be rude if he is but tbh, my friends do this anyway. This man has got too close too fast and you should not have let him.

LittleBlondeNinja Sun 03-Nov-13 22:11:48

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 22:16:31

The poster shouldn't have reported as it was pointless.

However....you do have to accept that many people think even 3 times is too much. There are people with grown children who managed not to hit them EVER in their child's whole childhood.

It's interesting you focus on this and don't comment on lots of the other helpful posts, you could have done that even on your phone surely?

Chubfuddler Sun 03-Nov-13 22:27:40

Oh dear oh dear

OP I don't think it's so much that you have occasionally smacked your DS (giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming it was just a light tap) but more that you say you did it in a "shit headed rage"

To me that sounds a bit chilling and may suggest some anger issues, especially as you say you don't like smacking.

FolkGirl Sun 03-Nov-13 22:35:21

Besides, you smacked what is little more than a baby in a "shit headed rage" and your boyfriend of 6 months shouts at him.

And whilst ThisIsMyRealName is giving the benefit of the doubt, the reality is that a smack in a "shit headed rage" is unlikely to be a 'light tap'.

Your child deserves better.

Gosh OP

I don't really know where to start apart from to echo what PP have said.....get that man out of your house, go and see your HV and ask for help.

It's not ok to have only smacked a 2.5 year

*old 3 times in his whole life.....you dick

That is not ok, seriously not ok.

You're coming across like you have a lot of anger issues, maybe see your GP about this.

Stop taking money off him, do you work? Do you claim benefits? Is your DS real dad in the picture? Do you have family?

GoshAnneGorilla Sun 03-Nov-13 23:54:58

OP you need to take the time to read what people have said properly.

This is important. This about your child and how you nurture and protect him.

Gobilino - Yes, I would say the OP is a classic example of how dangerous unrelated males in the home can be.

LittleBlondeNinja Mon 04-Nov-13 09:59:34

Skimmed on phone again
Everytime i have smacked him bum it has always always been thru a nappy and a tap enough to shock bur not to hurt especially thru a nappy the term shit headed rage is literally the point of breaking point and not influcted on ds at all. Real dad not on scene at all. Some real good points there and some utter twats who have wrecked mumsnet....
i agree in my perfect world 6months is too soon to live together etc but at end of day life aint petfect. Dp and ds do have a great relationship and we have new rules in place in terms of dissapline its very hard to displine him myself as he laughs or hurts me plus with the fact ive been ill with 2 operations recently naughty ds breakin everything doesnt help also grandparents etv ignore my rules which is another tjing not helping

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 10:11:48

No, life isn't perfect but you can still have boundaries and standards.

You've kind of changed your tune now...now you say they have a great relationship. Really? He shouts at him?? He's 2.5...that really is a baby.

Personally I don't think it matters if you've smacked through a nappy or not, you still lost your temper and hot a very small child.

What things does he break? Is it really him being 'naughty' of just a typical 2 year old? We're they things that should have been kept out of his reach? Or do you think he was doing it deliberately, for attention?

I agree with other posters who say sure start/ children's centre might give you advice on how to discipline.

LittleBlondeNinja Mon 04-Nov-13 10:13:16

Dp disiplines in terms off manners, telling not to hit the dog or me, stopping him.breaking things, genreal stuff like that like my friends would do. Nothing out of the norm. I am with ds 5days a week on own as dp works so i do most of the displine and reweard etc

LittleBlondeNinja Mon 04-Nov-13 10:18:16

He only shouts when he is doing something naughty like pinching the dogs ears and throwing at the tv and ita not always shouting its more of a hey shout then stern voice saying no dont do that becausw etc etc..if u get me??

Im not proud of smacking his bum and tbh he didnt even cry or flinch when i did it thats how bad it wa for him but i had to try a new tactic as one i had wasnt working!! I now explain why he shouldnt be doing summat twice and if he carrys on he is put in naughty step or corner to think why ive told him no etc

LittleBlondeNinja Mon 04-Nov-13 10:19:46

Dp and ds do have a good relationship.in genral.ita not like he comes in shouting.gernreally they play make things and cuddle alot...think alot.of.people havw.got this wrong as if.all it is is shouting but its not

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 10:27:52

It is really hard when they go through a difficult phase. Have you tried ignoring and distraction?

When he laughs try walking away. When I do that to dd1 (3.5) she follows me and usually tries to cuddle or re engage with me. I ask her 'are you ready to be kind?' Or something and when she agrees I say 'lets try again then'. Give cuddles etc.

It's very hard at 2 because they can't be reasoned with. Distraction is the main thing to use at 2 I think. When he throws something...tell him 'no' but then very quickly get him engrossed in something else.

Do you take him to toddler groups? Do you have a children's centre near you? I took mine to a group twice a week, they had snack etc and brilliant toys and activities all for £2 a session.

In some areas, if you're on low income the government also offer nursery hours for free for 2.5 year olds. It might help him to mix with other children and have other people disciplining too.

Cabrinha Mon 04-Nov-13 10:29:21

At 2.5 he can't "think about why you said no". Seriously. At that age, it's all about telling them (not shouting or hitting) "no". I always explained to my child why, but didn't expect it to go in - the no came first.

Your child MUST be disciplined by you. You cannot get yourself into a situation where you leave it to your partner because it's too hard for you. Your son will behave for your partner, and not for you, eventually.

Go to Sure Start and see if they have a parenting course - often do, with crèche, and lots of good tips for coping. Are you in an area with free nursery places from 2 not 3? Maybe you could do with a break, and if you're sufficiently recovered from operation, look for work too.

You're begging him to stay - so he's not a keeper. You need to work out how to parent and support yourself on your own.

Whose dog is it? I may be unpopular here, but I don't understand why you have a dog and child if you cant afford (?) to support your child yourself - spending out on a dog, really? - and if your child pinches the dog's ears and you can't stop it, and you're having problems generally. You don't need the added responsibility of a dog. If the dog came with the boyfriend - let it go with the boyfriend.

As for weaning off calling daddy - simple, EVERY time, you just say "not daddy, Billy". Or whatever. But really - get rid of the boyfriend - he's not the one.

Leverette Mon 04-Nov-13 10:35:15

If he's laughing at you or hurting you when you attempt to discipline him, you really need to get some professional behavioural advice into your family. At the moment you have some control because he's small and you have your DP. Once either of those things change your DS will be totally out of control and with a life long lack of respect for you.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 10:48:45

I agree op, really sorry but your dp doesn't sound like a keeper.

Please focus your energies entirely on your ds, I think it sounds like he really needs all of you at the moment. I know it's hard but a troublesome relationship will not be helping your ds. You've invested too much after only 6 months.

WithRedWine Mon 04-Nov-13 10:58:49

I think a lot of people on this thread need tp unhoik the judgypants. Fwiw op, i've been on plenty of threads where mners have in the majority admitted to smacking their toddlers occasionally & as a last resort. People keep saying it's worse because you had lost your temper, but actually i think it's understandable - you were obviously in control enough not to actually hurt him. Obviously it's something you need to find other ways to cope with tho. HV good first port of call as others have said.

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