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affair found out

(53 Posts)
lindie11 Sat 26-Oct-13 21:57:06

Got a dilema - do i publically humiliate & let know to the chavie skank & her friends, etc; who I found out has been shagging my partner of 10 yrs for the last few months. Discovered not just sex but they were shacked up - she moved him in after issues with his boss/landlord. She'd kept hubby secret from most family/friends, didnt introduce to anyone - wasnt "hers" to really. His colleagues/friends knew (he works away) - some ive met/occassionally socialised with. She knew he was married, came home every weekend, rang me every night - whilst she was there. She came onto hubby when both drunk and had boyfriend of her own - greedy bitch. Boyfriend dumped her for a mate to which she'd the audacity to whinge & carry on. She's lied & deceived for months and it angers me that I was oblivious and she knew exactly what she was doing, is now playing hard done to "been dumped" line but I know they wont know the truth. Ive gone through rage anger tears - to hubby - but short of long drive and off chance of then bumping into her cant directly vent at her. She turned a loving kind gullable man into someone I dont know any more and havent done for months. Hubby has confessed all, is ashamed, dumped her straight away. He says no good can come of any revenge (he dont know what im planning). But im now raging again and feel she should get pay back & her "friends" should know what a shallow, lying, deceiptful, easy slapper she is. Dilema as to do I I let rip?

SweetCarolinePomPomPom Tue 05-Nov-13 07:01:37

He's done a great job on you hasn't he? Managed to get himself a lighter sentence by dumping her the minute he got found out, convincing you that he was some poor innocent who was led inexplicably astray like she's the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or something hmm and now he's set her up good and proper to be the object of all your wrath and blame while he gets to act like a slightly dim child who gets a lightly slapped wrist for wandering off. shock

She came onto hubby when both drunk and had boyfriend of her own - greedy bitch……. she turned a loving kind gullable man into someone I dont know any more

Hahahhahahahaha. Goodness me - you really are making this way too easy for him. I bet he's feeling pretty smug and relieved actually. The only person who has been gullible here is you, I'm very sorry to say.

Sorry to seem so tough on you - I realise you have been through a devastating time, but seriously, you need to get a grip. You are deluded.

And if she lives so far away that you cannot see her personally then how exactly do you know how she is behaving? confused

scaevola Tue 05-Nov-13 07:23:44

No, you don't publicly "expose her".

I think you can be as angry with her as you like. Post-discovery emotion isn't either/or - you can be furious with her without it making the slightest diminution on the fury (an other emotions) directed at H.

But do nothing when in such a heightened state of emotion. There's no need to be superhuman, nor suppress it into a socially 'acceptable' or (usual word for this, dignified) form. She was your H's co-conspirator is a huge betrayal - of course your angry.

Despite that, I still say do nothing - or at least not when powered by fury and desire for revenge. You need to let the latter subside, and have some idea what will genuinely help you in the long term to heal before doing irrevocable things yourself. I expect you'll find your ideas on what you want to do will change as you emerge from the post-discovery period of total shock.

Do you have RL support through all this turmoil?

Absolutely not. You will look insane. You need to try to stop fixating on her (easier said than done) and look at him when you want to blame someone.

theboutiquemummy Tue 05-Nov-13 07:33:15

I'd be very wary if I were you

How do you know she's done all of these things ? Your OH has told you and didn't he lie before ..

Don't go shouting the odds with her I'd bet a penny to a pound the version of events you have been supplied is full of lies, and if you do you will look delusional at best or a mad harridan whose OH is lying cheat at worse

He went and had a affair because he wanted to he disrespected you because he wanted a leg over that's where I'd be directing my anger

Failing that sod him off and start planning the life you want he's hardly a catch if he's shacking up with "chavie skanks"

Have you been checked at the clinic

Lazyjaney Tue 05-Nov-13 07:42:31

I'd be tempted to, if there is nothing to lose. I do think the tendency to suffer in silence hurts the victim and lets the guilty get off too lightly.

What will she do in return if you expose her though, is there a possible kickback?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Nov-13 07:46:51

The kickback is that the OP will look like the 'chavvy skank' of the piece and observers will tut 'no wonder the poor man looked elsewhere... '

PukingCat Tue 05-Nov-13 07:57:50

I would tell a few carefully selected people (those that know her and are likely to spread it around) and then leave it at that.

Then go back to remembering that its your dh who has wronged you and thinking about if you actually want to be with him. I would chuck him out while you think about whether he is good enough to be in your future. He has betrayed you terribly, and being a bit sorry and ashamed isn't really good enough is it. For a start i would tell him that he has to go to the sti clinic. Then that you don't want to see him for so many months while you think about whether or not you want him and after what he's done. And that he has completely destroyed your trust.

Its by directing the anger at the ow that cheating partners get away with it, as they get to put the responsibility on the ow, and why you are focusing your anger on her he isn't learning his lesson.

saferniche Tue 05-Nov-13 08:21:37

In 2013! WOMEN peddling these ideas about mad women/harridans seeking revenge and looking insane, it's not cool. OP, you have every right to be angry with the woman who was 50% responsible for your distress. Don't be AT ALL ashamed of your anger. But don't cause yourself any more pain. If you want to contact her (and many would say 'don't poke a skunk') do it with brevity (very important) and dignity. Don't involve her friends. Rather than even do that I'd advise kick-boxing or similar - remember any attention you give her is attention she's bound to enjoy. She'll think she's important. She is not. You are. Some people talk about the karma-bus, buses in my experience tend to come in threes. If she carries on behaving in this reckless way all you need to do is concentrate on your own happiness and rely on the number 33 (and so on) to come around in its own sweet time. And yes, your dh has a lot of work to do - don't let him wriggle out of it. Good luck smile

SweetCarolinePomPomPom Tue 05-Nov-13 08:28:19

Very sensible post safer.

thecook Tue 05-Nov-13 08:47:06

Your poor poor husband. The nasty chavie skank was waiting to pounce on decent married man.

I am betting on how long it will be before he is pounced on again by a nasty chavie skank.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 Tue 05-Nov-13 09:12:12

You can expose her if you want to but it's not really going to help you.

As others have already said you should be angry with him, while she is a bitch and was aware he was in a relationship, she didn't force him to do anything. That was all him.

Personally I might want to speak to her, not to her friends, and let her know that she is welcome to the cheating skanky arsehole that was once a DP.

Get some RL support OP, get STI checked and get tough.

Figgygal Tue 05-Nov-13 09:15:31

Do you let rip? Fucking right you do but at your dh he is the cheating lowlife.

And if everything you say about her has come from him it's probably all bollocks excuses to deflect away from him being a cheat.

ixqic Tue 05-Nov-13 09:20:08

If you DH is in an industry where men typically work away all week and come home on the weekends, then let me tell you that this type of relationship is rife. He is what they call a cock lodger.

Your dh is not at all innocent in this and has probably done it before. It may be just the first time you found out.

DownstairsMixUp Tue 05-Nov-13 09:20:29

I don' think you should expose her, no. Have a bit of dignity and keep your head down and remember that it was your darling husband that didn't have it in him to say no to this "chavvy skank" what if he gets drunk again? Will he go find another one? I think you should be concentrating more on whether you can repair your marriage, not on the OW.

Discovered not just sex but they were shacked up
This sentence is what you need to concentrate on!
He was living a double life.
Have you taken him back and now you are directing your anger at the OW?
You need to kick your lying, cheating, scumbag of a husband to the curb right now.
So far he has no consequences for what he has done.
It wasn't just a shag, he was living with her! More than he was living with you.
You are prepared to just let that go???? I am shock
Stop trying to deflect away from what your 'D'H has done just so you can justify taking him back.
Get angry with him and get him out so you can get some head space away from him.
Right now he is feeding you all kinds of lies and you are accepting them.
Just like he will have been feeding her all kinds of lies. I can guarantee she got the 'My wife doesn't understand me' 'I never get sex from her' 'When I do get sex it's rubbish' etc.......
You need him out properly so you can think about what you want.
And that is NOT getting even with OW - that is directing ALL your anger at your knob-head of a husband!
You need to take off those rose-tinted specs right now!
And get an STI check too.

mummytime Tue 05-Nov-13 10:25:12

If you go against her - what will the consequences be for you?

If you don't know: you will seem like the bitter, mad Ex. All those people who are secretly on your side will decide well maybe you did "have it coming". That there is "no smoke without fire". He was wrong "but you can see why he did it". And so on.

I would bet you a lot more people than you think knew what they were doing (we once knew about our next door neighbours affair, but it wasn't our place to say anything). People will be gossiping about her. She will have a reputation.

But you need to maintain your dignity. And get back to directing you anger at the scum bag who deserves it. Do not start to feel sorry for him because everyone is angry with him.

Deal with him, because he is your affair. Ignore her.

Dahlen Tue 05-Nov-13 10:32:59

By allowing yourself to direct your anger at the OW you make her the powerful one in this love triangle and yourself the powerless rejected one. Don't give her that power or control. Hit her back hardest by relegating the OW to the level she deserves in your life - an insignificant detail who isn't worthy of your time or attention.

Affairs are about what's going on in the head of the person who is betraying their promise of fidelity. It's not about the person they're doing that with - who could often be anyone. Your DP probably chose her because she was easily available at a given time, but it could have been anyone really in similar circumstances. He chose to relieve boredom/lack of fulfilment/sexual tension/whatever by having an intimate relationship with someone who wasn't his partner. Alcohol and a coming-on-strong attitude from the OW may have made that choice a lot easier for him, but if he hadn't been tempted those factors would have made no difference. Someone could offer me some expensive stolen goods with a promise of no comeback and I would be able to refuse because I value my integrity. This is exactly the same principle.

Direct your anger at your DP. Or better still ditch him.

fromparistoberlin Tue 05-Nov-13 10:50:02

Its 100% OK to be angry with her

But I agree that if you do anything to her right now it will backfire. I know its hard but acting with dignity will serve you in the long run

It must be very tempting to want to to expose her, call her names etc
bit simply put, she owes you fuck all, she is nothing to you right?

The person that CHEATED on you is your husband, he is the one that fucked up

I would advise to focus your anger and efforts on him

and remeber, revenge is a dish best served cold. These shit will come back and bite her, mark my words.

Abbykins1 Tue 05-Nov-13 10:58:40

Being a strong believer in revenge,I would do anything and everything within the law to make that woman pay for the hurt she has caused.
That will probably be the only satisfaction you will get,other than making your partners life a misery of course.

make that woman pay
Really!?????
She isn't married to the woman.
It makes no difference who she is.
If it wasn't this woman it would have been another woman. I've no doubt there were others before and will be more after this one too!
Your HUSBAND was the one who married you and spoke those vows.
NOT this woman.
Your HUSBAND needs to suffer so make sure he does.
The satifaction you will get is from kicking your cheating husband out the door.
Making a lovely new life for youself with someone who will love and respect you and not disrespect and cheat on you.
It really is that simple!

Cleorapter Tue 05-Nov-13 12:27:00

I wouldn't. I know you are hurting and you want to get revenge but I fear it'll just humiliate you further having everyone know about your husband's indiscretion and being the centre of gossip.

I wouldn't judge if you kicked him in the balls hard though. Only joking not really

Bogeyface Tue 05-Nov-13 14:34:40

Well I would say yes but then my revenge on the OW got me told off by the police blush nothing serious but still......

PukingCat Tue 05-Nov-13 14:49:41

Bogey. What did you do?!

Blimey Bogey if what you did to OW got you told off by the police what on earth happened to you with the revenge on your DH!!???

MorrisZapp Tue 05-Nov-13 14:58:16

Her friends won't consider her to be a lying deceitful slapper, if you tell them or not. Why would they be more invested in what a stranger tells them than by their friend?

If a stranger rang me to tell me my friend was a chavvy skank etc I'd laugh and carry on as normal.

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