I was (am) a single parent, so my daughter and I have always been very close. I'm not sure if I'm too close. What I mean is that I think I am seeing red flags in her relationship with her boyfriend, and I'm not sure if they are genuine red flags, or just me being over-protective.
Whatever it is, I know there isn't much I can do, and I certainly won't say anything to her because it would really not go down well at all. I just want to see what others think, I think.
Daughter has been with boyfriend for just over three years. He's younger than her, and has just finished his studies. I've always had the slightly uncomfortable feeling that she is more in love than he is, although I have never been able to pin it down to anything - just a gut feeling.
Today is her birthday - she's 27. I sent her a couple of small gifts which I knew she would love, and she did. I asked did she get anything else. No. Boyfriend bought her nothing. But he did pay for dinner last night. She sounded ok about it, but he was in the same room as her.
Earlier this year, to celebrate his birthday, and the end of his studies, and their being together three years, she surprised him with a week's holiday abroad. I was quite surprised at that - we've always done "nice" birthdays, but nothing wildly extravagant. Also, I know she can't really afford that sort of present. I wondered if it was too much - both financially and in terms of the emotional weight of such a big gift.
Before they went on the week's hol, they spent three weeks with his relations in a country some distance away. When they came back after both the hols, boyfriend then booked tickets back to distant family for a wedding.
So on the phone today I had to hold my tongue. He had had enough money to book himself tickets back to "distant family place" but could not afford to buy her a birthday present.
I've had a funny feeling all year that something is about to happen, and I can't shake it. She would be utterly devastated - she told me she wants to spend her life with him.
I'm not going to intervene, obviously - she's a big girl. But if I was going out with someone and he didn't buy me a birthday present I would not be able to see for red flags. She is so completely in love I worry.
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Relationships
Daughter's relationship: red flag?
LoisPuddingLane · 15/09/2013 14:59
Yes I think this is the first time he's bought nothing at all.
I suppose I'm hoping someone will come up with a strategy to stop me worrying myself silly... 
He stole flowers from a public flower bed? 
Red flags all over the place. He sounds as though he's passing the time with her. All you can do is nod, smile and be there for her when he decides the costs outweigh the benefits. I feel for you both.
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Ignore, Lois, it is obvious you love your daughter and are concerned for her.
Was he unavailable for two days as he was trapped under another woman?
Is he treating her mean to keep her keen? .
Ask you DD is she is happy. If she says yes, 100% and you believe her then all you can do is remind her she always has a home with you and you will always be there for her if ever she finds herself not happy.
If she says no, then go in calmly and see what she thinks she would need to become happy.
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