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Relationship in need of fixing URGENTLY

(82 Posts)
TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 13:35:06

Hi,

I have a perfect DD who was a surprise. Neither of us were what you would call ready but then who is. We were 23 and 24 when I was pregnant and 24 and 25 when she was born so of a reasonable age to settle down also having been together for about 5 years. We are now 26 and 27.

Recently, he is very depressed. He feels his life is spent looking forward to coming home from work but once he is home just waiting to go to sleep as we either just watch Dora or play with our daughter. When I suggest a trip to the park etc he just says he doesn't want to. He says he was not ready for family life and does not enjoy it.

The weekends are worse, He freely admits sleeping in for as long as possible at the weekends because the weekends are so boring and lie ins are the only thing he looks forward to in his pitiful life. Once again, any suggestions for family fun are met with 'I dont want to do that' or 'thats boring'. He simply only gets excited or motivated about going out with his friends. His friends mostly have kids now and mostly the rest have settled with partners and probably will have them soon. Practically everything to do with our 2 year old daughter is left to me. He has changed a few nappies but has no idea how to actually do them, has never once bathed her, once or twice he has put her to bed but never on his own as i was there too. I literally do everything apart from one night a week (2.5hrs max which he acts like is the biggest deal ever and never fails to bring it up if i ask for more) and very rare occasions when he cares for her. He even once text me asking how long it would be til i was home as she had done a poo.

He has stated many a time that his unhappiness is not with me as he couldnt ask for a better girlfriend but also thinks the way to solve this problem is to leave me. He states he is not sure what he wants. This weekend he dropped a clanger, stating that if he did leave, he would want her to live with him. I said NO straight away. I have always said I would be more than reasonable. He can see her whenever he wants but she lives with me, end of! My problem is, if it isn't me that he is unhappy with... Why the hell am I the only thing he wants out of his life? If she lives with him everything stays the same apart from me and he obviously has no idea how to look after her as he has never done it. We both work full time so after work it should be equal i think. We have a good life, we own our own house, have good jobs each, own cars, beautiful daughter and good health. I think he needs to understand the value of that but he simply doesnt.

BASICALLY, I AM WONDERING WHAT ACTIVITIES I CAN DO WITH A TODDLER THAT ALWAYS PLAYS UP IN PUBLIC THAT WILL INCLUDE AND EXCITE HIM AND PERSUADE HIM THAT ITS NOT ALL DOOM AND GLOOM???

Thanks in Advance

A very desperate mother
xx

ofmiceandmen Fri 13-Sep-13 13:16:16

I realise we have all huddled around to help the OP.

However would it be also worth asking OP to take the necessary precautions to ensure she is protecting herself from an affair or passive aggressive behaviour - she's walking on egg shells and asking what more she can do - at this rate she'll be doing a triple twist hop whist balancing from a ball.

I do not want to be a dooms bringer Eveesmummy but your partner wanting to leave and strike out on his own means he has most likely found someone. he is withdrawing and is checking out of the relationship. rather be with friends, an achiever who has to come home to boredom. fertile ground really.
I hope i am dead wrong - but honestly look at it objectively.

Again not something you want to hear, but sometimes the simplest explanation is true.

my advice- do all the things people have lately suggested but do them for you and DC. make you life fun filled and the best ever. That way if he choses not to stay or join in, you at least guarantee your DC has not been drawn into his 'state of mind'.

I am sorry if i have spoken/written out of turn

ofmiceandmen Fri 13-Sep-13 13:21:44

"I'm so depressed only removing you from the equation will make me feel better" is what he was saying.

Light bulb moment.

when someone tells you who they are listen.

ThreeTomatoes Fri 13-Sep-13 17:37:25

We moved out of a flat because the guy downstairs was smoking weed nearly every evening (and sometimes even skunk) and it was drifting up into our flat. we worried about the effect on dd and kept windows open in the freezing cold winter. They had a 2 yo boy downstairs and i used to worry about him too sad. When i went downstairs to ask the guy to stop for the sake of my dd (only just managing to bite my lip about his own son) he tried to be as charming & apologetic as he could be but refused to go smoke in their garden instead! He was a selfish prick. Their flat stank all the time, too, even during the day when he wasn't smoking, if you went past their open door you'd smell the weed . (admittedly though sometimes it was really strong stuff, like skunk). I wonder if their boy's clothes smelt when he went to nursery? Even our coats and scarves took on the smell in our hallway (hung up outside our flat door upstairs). something to think about,OP.

To conclude, whether he is depressed or not, the weed smoking would be an absolute 100% dealbreaker for me. At the very least if it was me i would insist he stops the weed smoking (at home , at least) or leave.

TwittyMcTwitterson Sun 15-Sep-13 12:02:29

Hello again everyone!!! Wedding went really well :-) we spoke to other couples about it (without too mcg detail) and it was established that even they (perfect looking on the outside) have several issues and could let that get out of hand if they were weaker. He also turned into a girl for about an hour and disappeared into the toilets for a deep and meaningful conversation with one of his mates. Think that did him some good. I think we need to ask grandparents to have her more so we can have some us time as we never Have that and I think it's more important than I Evee thought.

He's let on that the time he looks after her she spends the first 10-20 mins screaming at the door for me which he finds heartbreaking and doesn't know how to handle it. Obv response is to distract her.

He only smokes one or two max a night and they are little. He also only smokes in the conservatory with the door to the house closed and door to the garden open. I've never smelt it. We are very anti smoking around kids.

Anyway, to sum up, wedding went really well and now that his friends know something isn't right, they are willing to help us out and make it work :-)

BranchingOut Sun 15-Sep-13 12:35:43

If the lines of communication are open, that is a good start.

But...I honestly think that bereavement counselling is the way to go, plus possibly medication. Maybe a visit to your GP together is the starting point.

If he starts talking again about leaving, then you need to set out for him (calmly) exactly what that would mean: the division of assets, contact on alternate weekends and one night in the week, paying maintenance, the need to have accommodation which is suitable for his DD to visit, the possibility that you each might form a new relationship and need to balance this with responsibility to your DD. Does he really prefer this picture?

TwittyMcTwitterson Sun 15-Sep-13 21:13:32

Grrrrftconfused confused confused I just wrote an essay and lost it TWICE!!!!!!!

To sum up... Matilda the cat. Yes I do believe its fear based, particularly when she was young and teeny. He wouldn't take her on my birthday so i could have a few drinks and I thought it was due to selfishness but it was purely because the car only had one car seat in which our friends kid was in and the five second journey put her in too much danger.

We have set up a date night next week and I think small steps will help. Slow and steady wins the race! Also, we've spoken about how our lives would be if separated and neither of us want it. He was very sweet last night and I think it's the start of a turn around. Every journey starts with a first step :-) grin

garlicbaguette Sun 15-Sep-13 23:15:34

Oooh, good luck!

Remember, please, this is NOT about you fixing his problems. Pointing him in the right direction(s), keeping the dialogue going: yes. You should be enjoying this relationship; feeling excited and secure about your family; getting at least as much from your marriage as you give smile

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