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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Oh, it's all so bloody predictable...!

36 replies

VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 12:18

So, contacted by a man via OD.

Start exchanging emails, then progress to texts.

He then phone me (after asking if he could, I am not a phone person usually) and we spent hours talking, literally until the sun comes up.

He tells me he is not in contact with anyone else on the site, and is a 'one woman at a time' kind of guy.

We have 2 dates, both of which go very well. He is very complimentary about my appearance and personality. He says I put him at his ease, and make him feel comfortable, and he likes being around me.

After the second date, contact drops off a lot, he is still in touch but much less than previously. Of course, this is no big issue, he is still in touch, I have stuff to do and am not waiting for his texts etc :)

However I thought I'd go onto the site (actually to hide my profile as I kept getting notifications of new emails) and of course he was on there. I text him shortly after asking how his day was going, and he said he was hugely busy with work...

Which may have been true, but he clearly wasn't working when he was logged into the site. And why log in when he'd told me he wasn't contacting anyone else?! (I don't care if he is, but why tell me its one woman at a time when its clearly not - its the not being honest that grates with me) He may well have decided post date 2 that he doesn't want to see me again - in which case he only has to let me know with some flimsy excuse. But he hasn't, and text conversations have continued.

It just is all so typical, the not being honest, the dropping off of contact...I don't think I'm asking for any advice exactly cos its fairly clear what's going on, this is just a bit of a moan! I am so cynical about all men who OD, I try not to be but then stuff like this reminds me exactly why I am!

And it's a shame because I do like him, and would like to see him again. Although I doubt that will happen...!

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Daddoinghisbest · 21/08/2013 13:12

I feel for you velvet. But... It works both ways - there are women ODers who aren't completely fair and honest too as I know all too well. But what I would say is, don't give up!
Why not contact this guy and say that you were hoping for good things, but that you sense he's cooled off, or maybe still looking, and see what he says? If he's not right, then put it down to experience and find a goodun. It does happen!

KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 13:18

There's plenty of decent, or all men who OD. Sorry you're having a bad run though. Maybe take a break for a while?

Sounds like he just didn't want to go any further, which is absolutely fine that's what dating is about - seeing if that person is someone you want to get to know better - but it wouldn't have hurt for him to have said he wasn't interested in taking it further rather than leaving you to figure it out yourself.

Chin up!

KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 13:19

Decent, normal men*

SunRaysthruClouds · 21/08/2013 13:22

Sounds like you are overanalysing a bit after just two dates. And why hide your profile then? Did you decide he was the only one for you after those dates?

I can't see anything dishonest in what he is doing tbh. Try to chill a bit. There are good blokes on there (I should know - I was one of them )

VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 13:22

I'm not going to chase him - been there, done it and it usually ends badly!

I will carry on with my life, and if he contacts me then that's great :) if we then have another date (hopefully!) I'll tell him I've hidden my profile and see what his response is.

I'm just a bit disappointed, I have met so many duds via OD I thought this one might be the exception (if such a thing exists!). I guess time will tell, but I'm not getting my hopes up anymore!

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KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 13:22

I. Personally wouldn't contact him to see if he was still interested or not. Even if he replied that he was, the fact is his actions don't bear that out. So I'd be sceptical about the motivation for any further involvement.

He could easily make it clear it was a genuine busy patch and would like to get back to getting to know you if that's what he wants to do.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2013 13:31

Don't be too hasty. It shows you as logged in on your phone if you have the app. If it's the site I used

Having said that, I have had plenty of disappearers on OD. So bloody infuriating

VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 13:34

I've done OD for a long period, on and off, and met almost no decent men in that time. I did meet one who seemed nice, and who I was seeing for 7 months, until he dumped me by silence. So he wasn't that nice either!

I've hidden my profile because I didn't want to keep getting more 'new' emails. I already had, in addition to this guy, a couple of others I'd been exchanging messages with (which I'd told him about), which all in all was more than enough to be going on with. I do like him, but after 2 dates I'm certainly not saying he's the one!

And it is a bit dishonest to say you're not in contact with or going to contact anyone else (which info he offered freely, I didn't ask) when in fact you're back on the site. It is the not being honest which bothers me more than the fact of him being on there - which at this stage I'd expect him to be.

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KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 13:38

If he is contacting other women and still wants to pursue things with you then yes that's dishonest (after all, after 2 dates there was no need for him to say he wasn't going to see anyone else) but you don't. Know that he is contacting anyone.

It may just be he feels his going quiet was a clear indication that he didn't wish. To continue seeing you. Bit spineless if so, but whatever, his problem.

kittymchotpress · 21/08/2013 13:43

From similar experience I would leave it to him to make contact, and then decide if he's good enough for you (laughs in hollow fashion at not being able to take own advice ) I had followed your OD 'adventures' on the dating thread and totally empathise....it's tough out there! The only thing that keeps me going is that 5 of my good friends have met their partners online...so it can happen. I am going to take a break from it just now, focus on what I need...and try and learn from previous mistakes. and it is of course nothing to do with you, if they're not in the right place then that's just the way it is.

VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 13:44

There isn't really any other reason for him to be on the site unless he is contacting other women though? His profile was already hidden so it's not like he'd be getting lots of new emails.

If he has changed his mind (probably, that's what usually happens) it was a bit abrupt, after spending date 2 telling me how comfortable and at ease I made him, and how much he enjoyed spending time with me.

This is what (as a fairly honest and open person) find so hard about OD, you just can't believe a single thing anyone says!

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SunRaysthruClouds · 21/08/2013 13:45

Ah but I assume you have no idea what he was doing when he was just logged on. I just think your previous negative experiences are clouding your judgement. He may be still chasing others, he may not, just let it take its course.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2013 13:47

Oh velvet :(

It does make you soooooo jaded doesn't it?

mirai · 21/08/2013 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunRaysthruClouds · 21/08/2013 13:49

Well he could have been having another look at your profile. He might have been doing some research into the number of redheads in Wales vs the number in Scotland.

LoopThePoop · 21/08/2013 13:49

But how do you know what he was doing on there?
He may have been going on to do the same as you, hide his profile or maybe tell other women he was dating or whatever.

I think you went in to check up on him.
You keep saying you are busy and have things to do but clearly you're not.

You are saying one thing and doing another.
Lay off after two dates with the analysing.

VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 13:49

I am letting it take it's course. I'm going to wait for him to contact me and if he doesn't highly likely then I'll have my answer, and I'll know it was all the usual bs...!

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SunRaysthruClouds · 21/08/2013 13:51

Excellent. The perfect man is out there.

Well he isn't any more of course, but the second perfect one is....

VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 13:54

I didn't go on there to check up on him at all. I kept getting notifications I had new emails, went online to clear them, and hide my profile. I hadn't been online for a couple of days. If I'd wanted to check up on him I'd have been on there more often surely? But I was happy to take what he'd said at face value.

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VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 13:58

He wouldn't have been on there hiding his profile, it was already hidden (he told me that in one of his first messages). And if, as he'd said, he wasn't in contact with any other women, he wouldn't have anyone to tell!

I think this is probably a situation where the most obvious explanation is the correct one :)

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VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 14:01

I don't want a perfect man :)

So long as he is honest, not a gameplayer or timewaster, or likely to dump me by silence, that would do me just fine.

I am highly doubtful such a man exists though!

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drasticpark · 21/08/2013 15:19

I have an od account that I occasionally log in to but I have absolutely no intention of meeting or contacting anyone. I "met" someone about 3 hours after I signed up for a 6 month stint.

Sometimes I am just being nosey. Once or twice my friend has asked me to log in to see what's on offer. A couple of times I wanted to change my settings re. emails and messages etc. More recently, I went on to cancel my subscription. Sometimes I feel a bit peeved that I paid for 6 months and only got 3 hours worth so I log in for a browse just to get my money's worth as it were. Occasionally, I log in to see what a lucky escape I may have had.

The guy I'm seeing seems to be logged on every day if I check. He says it's how his pc is set up, ie. he switches it on and log in is automatic.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. There could be an innocent explanation. Equally, I would be aware and keep the info stored for future reference. I hope he contacts you and turns out to be genuine.

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VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 16:15

I suppose there could be genuine reasons. I doubt it though.

I'll just revert to my usual cynical self, not believing a word any OD man says. It really is tiring always having to assume nothing anyone says is true!

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kittymchotpress · 21/08/2013 16:46

I think the issue is that I wouldn't go out om a second date with someone that I genuinely wasn't wanting to get to know...but many people do, and say all the right things to keep it ticking over...then scarper via no contact. if its any consolation this has just happened to me after 9 dates including a weekend away (counting, me?!) but everyone has the right to change their mind. However I think it is only polite to let the other person know, and sadly that's where OD can be tricky...at least you know you're not a bullshitter and that stands you in good stead. exhausting and all that it is .

VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2013 18:11

I find the whole disappearing thing really pathetic and cowardly, not qualities I'd ever want in a man.

I am tired of never being able to believe anything anyone says, I really am. From what he said, date 2 went better than date 1, he was more complimentary about me. Said he'd told friends about me (haha!).

I thought the fact he seemed keener on me than I was on him was good, well it would've been if he'd meant what he said I suppose!

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