Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Is it just me or do exHs all go on to develop happy lives with the OW(32 Posts)
What is says really, my ex moved out 18 months ago, lived alone (but spending most of his time at OWs) but now moved in permanently with OW.
Everything goes his way, hes living with OW plus her 3 children is often seen out with them doing family things. Seems hes got the family life we had, until the death of our eldest son years ago.
Seems like hes destroyed our lives, and been rewarded with a nice happy new life.
I know 2 men who say the really regret leaving their first wives. The first was an idiot who didn't value what he had until it was gone, the second was a bigger idiot who had an affair with a younger woman, wife divorced him, his OW & her mum cannily manoeuvred him into marriage before he realised that, actually he preferred his wife. Serves them both right!
The dad of a schoolfriend of mine went off with a younger woman when she was doing her A levels, had a textbook 'how not to divorce & use the children as pawns', her mum went back the US where she was from, stepmother wouldn't have her & her brother in the house. Well her father had exactly the same relationship with her stepmother as he did with her mum, same arguments everything, until she committed suicide, and left him alone & crumpled.
Not to mention the friend of my mum's husband who ran off with a Russian prostitute after 40 years of marriage (I wish I was joking).
She is well & happy with a great life, he's... dead.
I choose to believe that karma catches up with everyone in the end.
My dad did the same 21 / 22 years ago to my mum.
He and OW on the surface lived the life he wanted (and could have had with mum as we were adults when he lift). Foreign holidays, a couple times a year. Weekends away, eating out then they wanted.
Then he got asbestos (cancer). My sister ending up taking to his appointments/hospice because his wife didn't like them. When he died my sister and uncle were with him. His wife was god knows where.
When the mistress becomes the wife she creates a vacancy. I love the fact that Ex is now saddled with a screeching refluxy newborn. He hates the newborn stage, he looks like shit and she just appears to be getting more twisted and bitter as time goes on whilst 'I' dear reader have never looked better and am loving life
Some do go on and have very happy new relationships with the person they left their ex spouses for and some don't. To think either is envitable is stupid wishful thinking and can make you just a bitter sad woman.
So don't dwell on it either way and accept its no longer your concern. Move on and focus on building a happy future for yourself.
OP these men who swap one model for another (see the treating people as 'things' for their benefit?) are incapable of intimacy.
Whereas we can take this pain, mourn, learn, and go on to live more vital lives.
I am hugely sad, don't get me wrong. But I am already feeling a lot better, and finding life a lot less worrying now that he has gone.
My ex already had his ow lined up before he left me. I don't know if he cheated, but she was ready waiting.
He claims he left because the house was a mess, but in reality there was more to it than this.
18months later they split as he had had enough of her nagging him about about being messy! Karma hey!
My husband left me when my DS was born for the 'love of his life'. She left her DH. My EXH said it was meant to be, that she was beautiful, his destiny and that he had never loved me anyway.
I got a phone call from HER for the first time ever 2 months ago (he doesn't see our DS). She is divorcing him. He is the same, if not worse, than he was with me. They argued all the time and apparently, he left her more than 20 times over 9 years.
All that time I tortured myself imagining how amazing their life must be - how wrong I was!
sorry posted too soon.
The point I wanted to make for you OP, was she was always scared he was cheating on her. She couldn't trust him at all.
I had a former friend who went off with a MM, they later married, all the things she said he moaned about his wife
and she moaned about his wife being useless and justified his leaving this former friend ended up doing, piles of ironing sitting in the living room etc. It would seem when this former friend had to care for his four children herself, she had the same sort of problems keeping up with ironing.
I had a low self esteem and eventually had a bit of respect for myself and ended the friendship after she told me she told her daughter that she ended her own marriage due to not getting on with her first husband, that was not true, she started to not get on with her first husband because she was shagging her second husband to be, she begged me never to reveal to any of the children that she and her second husband cheated on their first wife/husband to get together.
My ex did something similar 2.5 years ago. He's been gone 18 months and is preparing to move in with OW and her son. I have days where it feels like everything is black and there is nothing to look forward to. I try and focus on the good things and remember that I have a good strong relationship with my kids. I would rather be on my own and a bit lonely sometimes than living with a cheat and a liar. I know his foundations aren't good, he's made enough (failed) passes at me over the last 18 months to support that, coupled with the fact she is extremely possessive (I wonder why!) I know their relationship was rotten from the outset.
So sorry about your son x
Thanks for all the replies, sorry i posted such a down message.
Was having a really bad few hours, been awake for hours when i posted. Todays the anniversay of the death of my Dad 8 years ago, its a month to the day until the fifth anniversary of my eldest son. Think things got too much for me.
Off out now for a walk in the woods and my youngest 2 sons and dog, despite youngest son grumbling like mad at having to walk, i've persuaded we all need to go My ex hasn't seen our boys since Sunday, and has no plans to see them until next Sunday. His loss is my gain, i try and make the most of them.
Will come back in a much better frame of mind. Try my hardest not to dwell on my ex, and the OW is welcome to him. Thanks again for all the posts, made me count my blessings!
I can confirm that within months of leaving and being with OW, during contact the exh was off chasing OW's friends. He even stalked one of her friends. He made the children sit and wait in a coffee shop for one lady, ran after her, in the street leaving the children alone in the coffee shop. At the same time he was telling me and her how wonderful she was.
My ex did the same to me 18 months ago too. The OW 'thinks' they have the perfect relationship. He has told us how unhappy he is, the grass is not greener, he regrets it all and their relationship is screwed and it is serendipity for him. I have no sympathy or interest any more. I pity them both tbh - we are far happier and better off without him.
I am sorry about your son Joy5. I hope you can find a way to look forward and have a happy future for yourself x
I agree that the foundations are rotten if the relationship started out as a lie.
My ex is still with the ow 3 years later but I imagine that is because nobody else would be foolish enough to have either of them. They've seriously reduced their options by demonstrating what they are capable of. Also, they are the only people who suck up the other's pathetic excuses and don't disapprove of what the other has done. I sincerely hope they do stay together. That is exactly what they deserve - each other. Ex and ow don't trust each other an inch (rightly so, because he was plotting to come back home only a year ago). Laughingly, I commented on how he had more freedom when he was with me. The look on his face was priceless.
OP, it may take years for them to unravel or they may just muddle along and make do with a shit relationship (neither has exhibited integrity or high standards so why not) Try not to dwell on it - hard I know. Think karma and stop allowing them to live rent free in your head.
Very sorry about your son.
I am reading a book "Reinventing your life" by Jeffrey Young.
What I find interesting is that quite often the people leaving relationships are the one's with the problem, not the person they are leaving. I haven't gotten very far. From what I can make out it seems that the dysfunctional choose life partners who go back over things from dysfunctional childhood relationships. If you are not dysfunctional enough for them they leave you to find someone more exciting .
Maybe this OW reminds him of his Mum and he finds it all very exciting, where as you are fairly normal and he finds you boring.
My DF did the same to my mother after 30 years together with a woman half his age.
First few years it all seemed to go his way with a brand new ready made family..,OW had two young children, they got a dog etc.
My poor DM lived in her own & due to working full time felt it unfair to even have a dog. Both of us children older so living in London.
However.... Now he has broken up with OW & living alone. No contact with my sis & I. I guess a sad and lonely & foolish old man.
Whereas my DM works part time so has a lovely friendly dog, moved to a pretty little cottage, sees her daughters all the time & is now best granny in the world to my lovely six month old baby
I agree, and to add: his life might look happy from the outside but you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Would you really want him now? You really know this guy, you know what he's really like.
My ex-boyfriend seems to have everything me and my husband want (ie a baby, nice house, plenty of spare cash) but I know what a bully and pain in the arse he is: I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.
I know this isn't what you or any betrayed wife would want to hear but isn't it better if he is happy? Because if he destroyed your marriage for a relationship which then goes tits up - well that's just a massive waste isn't it? Disaster upon disaster isn't very good for anybody's inner peace.
I'm so sorry about your son.
FWIW my ex doesn't seem any happier now than he was when he was with me. I don't think he's a very happy person, tbh.
Do you have other children? If so, does he see them?
"It might be a 'nice happy life' now but the foundations are rotten and I'd never make a home in an unstable building"
Couldn't agree more. I had an ex leave me for OW years ago, was devastated at the time that he could build a new life so quickly, it took me a couple of years to get fully over it. 9 years on and he did the same thing to her that he did to me, ditching her for someone else when the relationship got tough, now apparently 'happy' in his 'new life'. So she is in the position I was in 9 years ago ( devastated, heartbroken, angry) I am happy and settled with
P of 7 years, and Xbf is still - and most likely always will be - a twat.
You know how I got here, though? By not thinking about him and his 'marvellous' new life. I shut off from
Thinking about him, knowing there was f.a. I could do about it.
All you can do is focus on yourself. Try to make yourself happy, and eventually you'll heal. Take care of yourself OP. X
Sounds like he can't handle the tough times and has tried to move on to pretend life is perfect again. Ok, until him and OW face a difficult time, then he may well flee again. As someone else said, its built on the rotten foundations of him being unfaithful. You already know he won't stick around if things get hard, she probably thinks its different with her, it isn't - he just hasn't been tested yet. He may never be tested in that relationship so all you can do is try and be happy yourself, take care.
Give it 30 years, the maybe you'll know.
Some will be really happy, others are serial walkers-out, others find the grass isn't greener but stick with it anyway.
You'll probably find you have better things to think about before long.
just remember that what you can see is a façade.
You dont know what a relationship is really like unless you are in it.
Please be kind to yourself and don't dwell on something that you have no control over
I agree 18 months is no time at all.
Sadly, people who cause harm to others quite often do well out of it.
I am sure you will work on making sure you don't go anywhere near someone as dreadful as your exh again.
You can find happiness, you deserve it and with someone much nicer to you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.