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Could you forgive this?

(32 Posts)
bofski14 Mon 05-Aug-13 19:16:48

I am late twenties, living with partner and my brother, 24 weeks pregnant, struggling with fibromyalgia and incredibly stressed.

My mother started a relationship with a man about three years ago who moved into our family home. He is racist, homophobic and loves nothing better than to vent his opinions about these subjects to anyone who will listen. We've all tried telling him it's inappropriate (including my mother) but he won't change.

Fast forward to about a year in to him living with us. He couldn't get the TV to work one day so threatened to throw it up the garden. My mother told him to calm down, he was banging his fists into the worktop, screaming at her. She said "Dont shout at me" and at this point my younger brother walked in and said "Hey, why are you shouting at my mum?". So her partner squared up to him and offered him outside to fight in the street. Bear in mind, my brother is autistic and was terrified. He has never been in a fight in his life and didn't want to. I didn't find out about this until months later when it had supposedly blown over.

Last September during another homophobic rant about how all gay people deserved to die and how they are evil, my brother couldn't contain himself any longer and blurted out that he was bisexual and had been since he could remember but had been too scared to say anything. Cue said mothers partner going ballistic and called my brother a "queer c*nt", said the most graphic disgusting vile things to him like "If you want to take it up the sh*t pipe you wont be doing it in this house" and was encouraging my mother to throw him out telling her "dont even give him chance to get his shoes on". He said the likes of my brother deserved to die and he slammed the bedroom door in his face leaving him petrified and my mother crying on the other side. My brother called me crying, I left work to try and sort it out and it ended with my mother saying "Well, a lot of people think his way". I had to coax her around saying "Thats your son!" and in the end she just wanted to all make friends and said "I don't want either of them to leave". My brother was scared for his safety and has been living with me since.

She married the man yesterday. Me and my brother had been adamant that we wouldnt go but after phoning almost daily, crying, guilting us and emotionally blackmailing us with things like "Grampa might not be here very long. He's really looking forward to all the family being together", we caved in and went. Her now husband ignored us all day and made us feel very awkward. She justifies his behaviour and makes excuses for him constantly and yesterday at that wedding, my stomach churned all day. No-one in the family knows what he's done and everyone was all over him saying how wonderful he was.

I suppose my question is, how can I get her to accept that we don't want anything to do with this man? I have my mothers first grandchild on the way in November and the thought of this man being around my baby makes me sick. Please help.

bestsonever Tue 12-Nov-13 21:34:45

The appalling behaviour has been allowed to continue because you have all been hiding it from the outside world. Misplaced embarrassment perhaps? Only you know why you have not brought this out into the open years ago and well before your mother married. Your mother sounds like a woman either desperate not to be alone or with very low self esteem if he is her best option in life.
Rather than tell your Mother straight that she should get rid you moved out letting him continue. Rather than say something, you all went to the wedding because of your grandpa? So you are all in the habit of hiding and keeping up appearances within the family- I'm sure grandpa would prefer true happiness to a fictional facade. It's how wrong behaviour can take over and perpetuate and will continue until one of you says enough pretense. Did anyone actually say the words "mum don't marry him, you can do better" or is there a fear to call a spade a spade?

Olddear Tue 12-Nov-13 21:06:07

Tell your mother that that last phone call is the very last and final time you wish this scumbags name to be mentioned. That you will never see him again and he will never be allowed any contact with your child. He is dead to you. If she starts trying any kind of emotional blackmail say 'I am refusing to discuss this' and walk away. Hugs to you and your brother! X

Olddear Tue 12-Nov-13 21:05:56

Tell your mother that that last phone call is the very last and final time you wish this scumbags name to be mentioned. That you will never see him again and he will never be allowed any contact with your child. He is dead to you. If she starts trying any kind of emotional blackmail say 'I am refusing to discuss this' and walk away. Hugs to you and your brother! X

bofski14 Tue 12-Nov-13 20:27:20

I'm doing ok thanks. I still have no real resolution though and perhaps never will...

BettySwalloxs Tue 12-Nov-13 17:36:13

How are you doing, OP?

reelingintheyears Tue 12-Nov-13 17:26:15

hmm sorry, didn't realise this was an oldish thread.

reelingintheyears Tue 12-Nov-13 17:22:15

And, unless my Brother wasn't ready to be open about being Gay/Bi, I would be letting all the rest of the family know why he was living with me.

You cannot beat people like your DM's husband, you can only tell them to get to fuck and stay away from them.

reelingintheyears Tue 12-Nov-13 17:20:17

Fuck it, i'd chuck my Mum if she stuck up for someone like that over me and my brother.

Seriously, I would tell her to not to contact us again until the louse that is her husband has gone.

How old is your Brother?

bofski14 Tue 06-Aug-13 22:37:47

Thank you all so much. I thought I was just being over sensitive with hormones. I have to live my life on my terms. I can see that now. She is away on the honeymoon at the moment for two weeks so I have a good idea what I need to say when she comes back thanks to all your brilliant advice. Xx

mpi Tue 06-Aug-13 16:30:16

I think you should explain to the rest of your family what has happened and how you have come to have these feelings to your mothers husband. Unless your brother doesnt want it discussed - what happened should be known so that all the family understand and can support you and your brother. I also agree that you should be very firm and only have a relationship with your mother on your terms....she is clearly trying to have a relationship with you on her terms, which appear to be dictated to her by her husband. I would never let someone like that have any form of contact with my child, unlike your mother, you already know that the welfare of the child is above everything else and the mother is the guardian of that

pollyblue Tue 06-Aug-13 15:52:42

You might find, once the baby comes, that you have a little less patience with tantrums and whinging and emotional blackmail from the adults in your life, and find it easier to stand up to her and just say no

I agree with this completely. My Mum has married 4 times, twice to complete bastards - one who assaulted me when I was 11, another who was a drunk and a gambler. I was always expected to tolerate them, despite the horror stories she told me about them and the things I witnessed myself, and do everything I could to keep the peace, because as everyone kept reminding me, 'she's your Mum'.

But there comes a point for your own sanity and to protect your own family that you have to get a bit hard-faced and make some tough decisions. For me that happened when I had my dcs and it wasn't just me that my Mum's/her husband's behaviour was affecting.

Best of luck OP, don't be afraid to stand firm.

ClassyAsALannister Tue 06-Aug-13 15:36:00

^ Agree that it's ridiculous that she's chosen this 'man' over her own son & has the cheek to try and guilt trip you.

I'd explain to her that if she continues to do so, I would not want any contact with her at all. It must be horrible for your brother.

tangerinefeathers Tue 06-Aug-13 14:49:16

You don't have to let this man near your baby. You really don't.

As others have said, she made her choice, and you respected that, and put on brave faces at the wedding, which can't have been easy.

Now she has to respect your position. You might find, once the baby comes, that you have a little less patience with tantrums and whinging and emotional blackmail from the adults in your life, and find it easier to stand up to her and just say no - we can meet in a cafe, or you can come here, but he can't.

Does she really think there's any chance of a civil or enjoyable relationship with this man, given his behaviour? Of course there isn't, so she needs to drop it and accept that there are consequences for marrying such a vile person.

No I wouldn't forgive. And I would be very vocal about how she has chosen this person over her family and she has no right to make me or my brother feel bad or guilty.

And under no circumstance will he ever be welcome to my home or any family occasions.

Make arrangments to see other family members with your brother and husband do not include her. You need to live your life without risk of abuse, as does your brother.

ClassyAsALannister Tue 06-Aug-13 13:43:29

I have no idea how your mother can even look at that man.

So glad for your brother that he has a nice supportive sister at least.

Ignore her comments of pettyness etc, just say 'well that's how you see it' and move on with the conversation. She's clearly deluded herself so she doesn't have to face it and nothing you can do will change that unfortunately.

Hope your bother is doing ok.

Corygal Tue 06-Aug-13 13:36:55

Your new SF's awful, but your mother's worse. She's being incredibly selfish and thinking of no one but herself.

If you decide to see them, control it - visits in a cafe etc., no long stays, no dropping in, etc. Be firm - she will push and push you for more, obviously, but no need to agree.

Chubfuddler Tue 06-Aug-13 13:31:37

What they all said. Poor you and poor your brother. He's vile and your mother is weak. You're better off without either of them tbh but if you do continue to see your mother you will have to be very forceful about boundaries.

Jan45 Tue 06-Aug-13 13:02:24

Your mother aint going to give this horrible man up so stick to your guns, there is no reason why she can't see you without him being there - don't feel bad and don't let her manipulate, you are in the right, he sounds really vile. She wants him fine, she can have him but that doesn't give her any right to inflict him on anybody else.

Dahlen Tue 06-Aug-13 08:12:36

Be prepared for the fact that your relationship with your mother may not survive this. You must maintain your boundaries about this man and protect your family from him, so you are going to be stuck with seeing her alone. Unfortunately, given that her H is obviously an abusive twat, he is likely to turn this to his advantage and start drip-feeding her poisonous ideas about you and making it difficult for her to see you alone. If that happens, the only thing you can do that won't compromise your own wellbeing will be to tell her that you love her, will always have your door open to her on her own, will always be willing to pick up the pieces when she sees the light without saying "I told you so", but to basically let her go. Sad for her, as the less support she has the less likely she is to leave, but you have to put your own wellbeing first. Just something to be aware of.

Vivacia Tue 06-Aug-13 07:44:26

I think you've done right, tolerating him is one task you don't need. I think you have to be very, very firm about boundaries here (he doesn't come to your house, she can't take the baby to meet him at a cafe etc). Just focus on your new family and the relationships you are creating there.

bofski14 Tue 06-Aug-13 01:49:16

I'm not that close to my partners parents but they are aware of the situation and are very kind. His mum has said that I have to let my mam make her own decision and just try to maintain a relationship with her. It's very trying. I have been up with my brother now having panic attacks because he's so upset. We had to hang up in the end. Its a massive mess.

Sleepyhoglet Tue 06-Aug-13 00:57:56

Bloody hell. Has she no consideration. You're pregnant and full of emotion and probably exhausted. If she continues to question your decision then you might have to be really firm and tell her you an put up with her immaturity and you need a break from her. Obviously not idea when having a baby and need your mum around. Are your partners parents supportive/close?

bofski14 Tue 06-Aug-13 00:24:19

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I have spoken to her tonight on the phone and after about three hours of arguing, she has relented saying that she will come alone and not speak about him. But she also said that we were being petty, holding grudges and being spiteful. I feel like I can't win. It's a massive relief to know that the farce with trying to get on with him is over, but also I know that she thinks that I'm just being a dick. I've said it's not because we're being spiteful or vindictive, we just can't let it go and get over it like she wants us to. I can't live a lie as it's stressing me. I've been crying all night and am now panicking about what harm I could have done to the baby by being upset. God, I need to sleep. Thank you all. It means a lot to have this outlet. I haven't really got anyone to talk to. My dad lives in New Zealand and I'm worried not to load it all onto OH as we have got enough to do with the baby coming. Thank you all xxx

ThreeGoMad Mon 05-Aug-13 21:12:07

Jesus. I wouldn't forgive, no.

Vivacia Mon 05-Aug-13 21:12:04

Sleepy hit the nail on the head for me.

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