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Healing after affair and then the golden OW

(56 Posts)
debtherat Sat 03-Aug-13 06:29:40

6 months on from affair crisis and things getting slowly better in my 20+ years marriage with 2dc. Able to talk more now but we are running at different paces - OH "its over, was once, lets just move on, stop attacking me, getting angry". This anger is v. Infrequent on my part - normally triggered by PMT, OH not helping with stuff, just random moments of sadness. Been thinking a lot about contacting OW to say "I know, you and OH behaviour had devastating impact on me and DC - if you have any humanity/empathy, know this and own it". Mentioned this to my OH and his response "Contact her and I will divorce you". Absolutely floored - not what HE wants as it will upset her!!!!!

The thing that strikes is the casual character assassination - you're not positive about things, you watch programmes about social issues and try to talk about bad news stories.

It's a little thing that says so much sad

I couldn't put up with that coldness and casual dismissal and negative spin of things I was interested in.

He sounds dreadful. Selfish and cold.

Changeasgoodas Sat 03-Aug-13 21:05:12

I suspect it has nothing to do with her feelings and all to do with what he fears she could tell you if you were in direct contact with her.

JoAlone Sat 03-Aug-13 21:44:39

I could not agree more with WellWobbly. I suspected my ex of cheating in our first year, and when I was pregnant in our second year, he always denied it. I even used to have nightmares of him walking off with another woman and just looking straight through me. I used to wake up and tell him about my dreams, he used to say I was being silly. Now 20 years later, 2 years after our seperation and consequent divorce (I left him as he treated me with no respect whatsover), I finally got the truth, yes, he was cheating on me during my pregnancy, and then went on to sleep with an estimated 42 prostitutes!

He didn't have the guts to tell me when we were getting a divorce, he made me do all the work, only so that he could say 'I'ts what you wanted'. When I got angry once I had finally found out, his response was 'It happens to other women all the time'. I didn't have the 'right' to be angry, because it was all in the past, and we were already divorced. He still doesn't acknowledge that he did wrong by me. The worst thing I did was strike up an emotional connection with an ex boyfriend, and that gave me the strength to leave. I was faithful to him until the day the divorce papers came through.

For a man to be physically intimate with another woman, and then to come home and expect you to do his washing and cook his dinner.... I did it unknowingly for years, but it always felt wrong, and he was very good at belittleling my feelings. He used 'gas lighting' to draw me off track, kept me on my toes, I never knew what I was doing right or wrong, it could be either.

I am really sorry that this has happened to you. I am now, alone, but so much more at peace, I do not wake up rigid with anxiety, grinding my teeth. I no longer walk on eggshells. The saddest part is that my DD knew and was unable to tell me, and she carried his burden. She no longer talks to him, and of course I am being blamed for that too. Do yourself a favour, go look at a website called 'lovefraud'. See if that helps any, it did me.

Good luck debtherat with whatever you choose to do, it is an unenviable position to be in, but make sure you direct your anger and hurt at the person who has done this damage, him. Once you start standing up for yourself, and look him straight in the eye, and know that you are right, you will see what a coward he is. And as a side issue, I taped absolutely all of my conversations with him, it's good to have proof. Just in case.

Isetan Sun 04-Aug-13 13:12:54

Wow! It seems you respect yourself as much as your husband respects you, which ain't a lot.

The only reason he hasn't left you is because he can't be bothered, he's biding his time until another vagina comes along.

Focusing on OW is a distraction. You are not responsible for his cheating but you are responsible for the slow and painful death of your own self esteem by staying with this fuckwit.

He treats you badly because he is horrible and you let him. Your marriage is over but neither you and your H has the guts to end it. Depressing and sad.

Wellwobbly Sun 04-Aug-13 14:15:44

Be kind, Isetan.

This stuff (realising your life isn't what you thought it was) is very very painful to come to terms with.

comingintomyown Sun 04-Aug-13 14:39:57

I totally second your sentiments Wellwobbly that some posters are impatient for this and other OPs to get with the programme and leave their husbands.

Either they are lucky enough to have never encountered these kind of marriages, lucky enough to have the ability to have sent men packing who have treated them badly or post from the comfort of their own successful marriage.

I can see that this is probably the time to try and muster some courage and take back some authority , he has said he values his OWs feelings over yours and you know what that means OP. Carefully read wellwobblys two excellent posts and consider what small step you can take right now to further yourself down the road of recovery but maybe not recovery of your marriage but recovery from its end and the affect that will have

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