Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Please come and talk some sense into me :((66 Posts)
I have nc for this as dh knows my usual username.
I discovered dh's affair nearly 2 months ago - it involved lots of texts, messages, photos and a couple of meetings which only got as far as holding hands (so he says). This all went on for several months.
We talked it all through and agreed to try and make it work between us. The problem is he just can't let her go. He is absolutely convinced that they can stay in touch just as friends and can not see my point of view at all. Within hours of agreeing to give our marriage another chance he contacted her again by email to explain that they could probably stay in touch with 1 email a day. I only discovered this email exchange 3 weeks later when I checked his phone. The emails were all innocent but I explained that I can't move on from the affair when she is still in the picture. He was annoyed but sent her another goodbye message.
Fast forward 3 weeks and I have a feeling something is going on again. I can't find proof so I asked him and it turns out he only lasted 1 week before contacting her again. He showed me her reply to his first email and about 80% of it is her explaining how I'm being controlling, a control freak etc.
DH assures me he is only interested in friendship but from the information I have gathered I am very certain that she isn't.
He has now (supposedly) not been in touch with her for 2 weeks. However, yesterday dh discovered I had thrown away a little trinket that OW had given him. I came across it accidentally a week after discovering the affair and was really upset that he still kept it in his wallet. I thought he had thrown it away but found it hidden away a few weeks later. I was so angry I binned it. DH is really furious that I've thrown it away and to me this is just another sign that he is still very emotionally attached to her.
Is there any chance this is going to work? I really want to get back on track with dh but I feel I'm up against a losing battle.
I'm sorry, but I think you are fooling yourself if you think they have only held hands. When she says "one mistake" I think she is referring to the fact they have slept together.
Also, when she says she wants to meet you to explain or whatever, then she is trying to bring herself into the limelight as a major player. The more you insist this is between you and him, the more pissed off she will be.
What I've learned is that you can't actually split up two people who are having a relationship. You can't tell him to stop having those feelings. He is still in a relationship with her and for me, that would be unacceptable.
In a similar way, no matter how hard she tried, if he was determined to be in a good relationship with you, he would have told her to get lost. He didn't.
For your own self esteem I would end it now. Take control, tell him where to go.
OMG - what is with the slavery stuff - she is weird!
OK - So if this was the other way around how would he feel?
You have a male friend who you have shagged (the one mistake thing makes that very clear by the way) and your husband finds out. Is he really OK with you still being in contact?
Seriously - he needs to be kicked to the curb. I wouldn't even talk to him about it.
Pack a bag and let him get the hell away from you.
Tbh it sounds like he thinks you'll put up with it.
If he was serious about the marriage he'd have cut ties straight away.
He's trying to have both.
Don't let him.
You tell him that his behaviour makes you unhappy and he continues behaving that way. Therefore, either he actively wants to make you unhappy or he doesn't care how you feel.
Honestly, you deserve better.
Let him run to her, they're probably both loving the drama and thrill from having a forbidden relationship.
Her writing all that crap online is all about attention, you're playing your part as the villain in their drama.
When you take away all the secrecy and illicit meetings, they'll soon see what they really are, pathetic. She'll probably start picking fights with him to keep up the drama.
Remove yourself from this, she's loving it and he's a dope who is treating you horribly.
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time x
Get him out, they've had sex, they went behind your back for months but it only got as far as holding hands, oh yeah of course.
He's never given her up, he doesn't want to, let her have him, they sound well suited, selfish and self obsessed. As for slapping the bitch, slap your OH out the door please, he's making a complete arse of you.
....the gall of this guy is amazing, he was angry at you for throwing away a trinket she'd given him - OMG is all I can say.
He doesn't get it. He doesn't get that what he is done is so wrong. Maybe he will get it, maybe won't but meanwhile kick him out.
Stand your ground. No contact whatsoever with this woman or else that's it. Marriage over. If he isn't prepared to break contact then don't you be prepared to stay married to him. This is one of these times where there are no ifs and buts.
I'm sorry OP but my STBXH was the same. Mine was like a love sick teenager and I was the parent. It was awful. After 6 weeks of this shit I told him to leave when I had evidence that he was still lying to me and seeing her. Six weeks earlier I had the OW ringing me and saying that she could give my husband a life.... Neither of them cared about me or the kids. Their behaviour was awful and we were treated like something you find on the bottom of your shoe not someone you once loved for 20 years. Tell him to leave. Let the ow have him - it will stop you feeling as though you are going mad. Hugs.
Yeah, she really sounds like she just wants to be friends.
He's quite clearly not serious about mending his marriage. Is he not able to imagine how he would feel if it were the other way round and you were the one who had conducted a text affair with someone else and now insisted on staying in daily contact with them 'as a friend'? If not, you're on a hiding to nothing.
Let him go - you can't save a marriage on your own.
Sorry but as one of the most famous and iconic women in the world once said,
'There were three people in the marriage so it was a bit crowded'.
She went through hell before leaving. Don't be the same.
Don't allow this. Either tell him to leave or get to couples counselling ASAP where he will hear the message from a third party. Please don't put up with this.
I went through something very similar to this (now divorcing). My STBXH lied to me about his continuing involvement with the OW over a period of about 18 months after I first found about about his affair. They definitely saw themselves as star crossed lovers and me as the controlling "lump". He never seemed sorry either.
The only good thing about all the lying was that by the time I couldn't take any more and chucked him out, I was absolutely clear that he was untrustworthy and dishonourable and there was no way back. However, I could have saved myself 18 months of grief if I had kicked him out earlier. You can't control him and his OW but you can control whether you let him give you the runaround any longer. Time to look after yourself and your children.
TBH, I would send him to her, gift wrapped.
What really pisses me off about a situation like this is him dangling everyone on the end of his dick.
If he feels so strongly about OW he should just fuck off and be with her, but he hasn't got the cojones to do that.
Sorry OP, I know that would be horrible for you. Therefore you have the chance to take control.
Throw him out.
So, I was already extremely pissed off with things and she's actually contacted me with this little gem -
Hi, I think you and I need to talk. There has been a big misunderstanding about a situation that ended up hurting everyone. A situation that has been tough for everyone and apparently still is. Your husband doesn't know I'm contacting you and he would probably not agree but whatever, I really think we need to clear up things instead of playing hide and seek, be bitter, hate each other or else. Mistakes have been done, things haven't been correctly understood, intentions have been misunderstood we can't go back ok. But we can't stay in that silence without an explanation if we want to move on, turn a page. Please let me have a chance to explain you what the situation really was/is. I know you must hate me right now, I would also have reacted the same way, but please give me that chance to show you I'm not that bad person you think I am. If you accept, I'm available via Skype : xxx telephone : xxx or via Facebook though it's kinda impersonal). Hope to hear from you and hope we're gonna talk. xXx
I'm so so angry. Do I reply or not? Part of me does and part of me doesn't...
Sorry, haven't read everyone's replies yet. Will go and do that now.
Do not reply to that woman OP. do not acknowledge her. She's just awful.
I hope you're ok. Will be watching this thread tonight, come back if you need to chat.
Are you going to respond?
To be fair though, she might have been told all these things about the OP by her husband and that is why she is being the way she is. Perhaps he's claiming she is a control freak?
If it was me, I'd want to hear her out to see what he must've said about me but then, I always make very unwise decisions in these situations, so perhaps ignore it and be glad that there are some things you'll just never know.
No, don't contact her. She's his problem, and is yours for the moment but indirectly. Keep her at arms length. Tell him to keep her right out of your marriage.
Wellwobbly - that's brilliant and the cake explanation is exactly what he has been doing.
I haven't replied to her yet and I'm not sure if I will. ImperialBlether made a point about her wanting to become a major player and I think that could well be the case. The message was actually sent on Monday (haven't checked messages for a bit). Just looked at her blog and the most recent rubbish she's posted was on Sunday (a nice big picture of someone in chains and written over it a comment about how people should dump partners who are control freaks). After that she has no posts. I think she was trying to get me to respond and obviously failed and now she is trying a different approach.
Why give her the oxygen of publicity? Not to mention him the ego boost, that he has the two of you at each others' throats over him. God alone knows what he's told her about you, but it's no more likely to be true than what he's told you about her. I don't think she has anything useful to add to your narrative - he's digging a big enough hole on his own. It will only feed the drama to contact her.
Oh her writing style is just AWFUL. She makes me feel a little bit stabby and I don't even know the woman. Don't give her the ego boost she desperately craves.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.