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Devastated at lack of support and feel I am being punished for domestic abuse

(90 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:22:58

It's like an extra 'punishment', really.
Left abusive alcoholic DP back in Feb. Posted on here for support - I was lololizzy then (and i apologise for inbox messages I didn't get back to..i had such trouble with passwords etc that I couldn't reply)
To cut a long story short..it was hell being back at my parents, and i went back to him in April to take the stress off them and because I had no money (basically they are v insular and like it being just the two of them and can't cope with any sort of strain or stress..even though to respect their wishes, i had to never mention what had happened to me). I had tried applying for housing but they (housing benefits) were so rude and unhelpful, basically only cared if i had kids or not (i don't). I was too depressed to fight for anything. I didnt really go back to him for him, as i didn't miss and love him, but more to use him as a roof over my head...(we still split the bills etc)- i didnt feel bad about the rest as he's been so horribly abusive the last yr and caused me job loss and to have a breakdown etc) and move on when i was stronger and had money behind me (unlike when i left). Since then things have been ok and we got on well, living like flatmates more than partners, which suited me fine . He convinced me he'd given up the booze. Not so as i've just found out. He did go without several weeks but has also been secret drinking and the last two weeks have been bad and he drinks openly. Basically all this time he's lulled me into false security..as i was warned would happen. He is now trying giving up again but i don't trust him and his anger is bad drinking or not.
I'm back to square one and will probably have to go to parents for time being and go through it all again and push harder this time for help.
But i'm crushed by the lack of support . My parents have made it clear that i should stay with him 'until he flips again' and play it by ear (even though they know i called the police last week!) (he is not physical by the way...it's all bad verbal abuse, ferocious temper threats and blackmail, and financial. In the past it was his suicide threats, but hasn't been lately). My mother actually said 'it is too hot to think about or talk about any of this..go back and wait for him to erupt again' (how would she like to live treading on eggshells and having her every move scrutinised and criticised?!)
My parents tell me often, that it is my fault as he was my choice..they never liked him. My fault for joining Facebook and adding him on (that's how we met, we had mutual friends on it) My fault for driving down to meet him in the first place. and so on. Very much, you made your bed, you can lie in it.
This week i tried going back to theirs for a few days with a view to moving back in again temp. The trouble is, my dad although elderly, is a bully like my ex. And i have bad memories of being back in my childhood home as he was very violent when i was a child, by that i mean proper beating me up, knocking me out etc. I have spent years trying to forgive as his father was same with him and so on.. Yesterday he spent the whole day shouting at me because I had purchased a book for £7 in a sale . It is my first treat in ages. He yelled so all the neighbours could hear and then blamed it on me causing him to shout by spending money i shouldn't. I see his point that it's a lot when i lost my job (because of all this) and i'm on ESA (also because of all this) and i have a car to run (which i do really need) but i still feel it's punishing me..that he would begrudge me a book that would give me a few hours of relaxation i so desperately need. I also tried to explain about my depression, anxiety and severe insomnia. It fell on deaf ears...thinks i should pull myself together and get a job. How can i get a job when a/ i can't sleep and have terrible anxiety b / i have no confidence left, despite the fact i've always worked c/ am of no fixed address now and flitting between partner's flat and their house...depending on circumstances ('D''s drinking and rants depend on all this..no way to live , i know...)
Please don't suggest friends... no one has spare room..i've tried everyone. I have no money..if i had some savings i'd go away and try and start a new life. Please be gentle as i fear i'll be flamed for this.. i don't think i could face hostel or refuge. All my friends that have been in them, tell me not to do it and that they wouldn't do it again. Also because i can't have children, it is too painful for me to be around mothers with small kids. (and that is another issue..but one thing at a time).
Both my parents pretty much turned on me yesterday and sent me packing saying to only come back if i can live by their rules and only when DP gets really severe again. They care but in a cruel to be kind, tough love way i guess. I suppose i don't blame them for not wanting an adult child on their doorstep and i am reminded constantly of the failure i have become.
What has cut me to the core..is today. The last straw. My best friend has cut me out for months (when i needed her the most) and i didnt know why. Today she finally messaged me saying it was disgusting that i went back to him and i didnt take her advice so she was bloody well never giving it again (i never actually asked for it! only for support!) She said i knew what he was like and yet i went back. No..he was getting help and i sincerely believed he was off the drink. Things were fine for months. And i had no where else to go. This is just the last straw for me. I can't stop crying and i don't see much point in fighting for anything.
For 23 yrs, her life has been one big drama full of scandals and so on. I have always , always stood by her..whether i agreed or not. We have been thru everything together She also once returned to an abusive partner , she seems to forget this, so i can't believe she would judge like this. I supported her unconditionally. So i now have lost best friend, and parents are not supportive because they simply can't understand what i'm going thru and say i brought much of it on myself merely by being with him. Also last week another friend read me the riot act because i had 'ignored advice' and gone back to DP. These friends are both loaded. Do they really think if i had money and a place to go, I would've returned!?
Sorry this is so long. I can't believe i'm going thru this again.
But with less support this time because people judge me for going back.
Life isn't that simple nor so black and white. I am so lost, i just want to run far away (but can't afford to!) I am more upset about parents and best friend than DP..as i don't love him. I feel utterly alone.
If i can't reply to this straightaway it means i don't have privacy to read/ answer but i really need friends and hand holding as this is now worse than when i left in Feb...people didnt judge then. I guess they think i've cried wolf and have given up on me. I just didnt realise how hard it would be...in the practical ways.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:23:34

I know people will say, forget the best mate. but 23 yrs..i've only been with DP for 4. I love her..not him... i am in pieces.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:27:48

I know it sounds totally childish (and I'm 42 for fucks sake) i don't care about losing DP but I don't know how i can carry on without support from my parents and best friend. If i can't rely on them then who can I. It seems strangers are kinder and less judgemental

AnythingNotEverything Sat 20-Jul-13 18:32:11

Wow. You've got a lot going on and no one to support you. I'm sorry you felt you had no choice to go back. I'm sorry your parents weren't more supportive.

Organisations like Women's Aid, and others who work with victims/survivors or domestic abuse, can support you without making you move into a refuge. They can help you make the steps to become independent. Your local council website will have details of a provider in your area. They can help you find accommodation and help you sort out your benefits.

You don't have to wait for something awful to happen.

Keep posting here when you can. The support is here if you need it!

Trifle Sat 20-Jul-13 18:32:51

I don't get why your only option is either live with the abuse at your ex or your parents. Surely, can you rent a place on your own or even a room somewhere. It seems you are punishing yourself. I'm not surprised your friend is short with you. Se gave you good advice which you ignored so I can understand why she isn't supportive.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:35:01

I can't rent anywhere. I have no money at all. It grates with her because she took back a far more abusive ex . I even flew abroad then, to support her when she came out of prison.
I was trying to make the point above..that both the friends that criticised, have money. If they were in this mess they could start again. They have no idea how hard it is without money.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:36:18

i see your point, Trifle, but as i said above..housing didnt want to know because i didnt have dependants (and it has been this way over 20 yrs with them.) I can't pay rent and a deposit. If friend was in my shoes now..she could actually afford to buy a whole house for herself!

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:37:01

i went to Womans Aid before. i see a counseller there also and going back on tues. so i need to push for practical advice again.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:38:12

The thing is, friend didnt give me good advice! She actually told me to go back to him, and use him for however long needed, for a roof over my head! and to try and get a job and some money behind me. but i was too depressed and not sleeping, for that.. and he would take my wages

Darkesteyes Sat 20-Jul-13 18:39:59

OP i know what its like to have an unsupportive family. And you are absolutely right. A lot of organisations dont care when you dont have DC. And the cutbacks havent helped.
Being told to go back and wait for him to erupt is something my parents would say to me.
Im so sorry you are going through this.

Some people have trouble understanding that not everyone has the financial means or support to LTB

Darkesteyes Sat 20-Jul-13 18:40:49

You are being financially as well as emotionally abused OP

Twinklestein Sat 20-Jul-13 18:41:07

Hey OP, I'm really sorry you are stuck between a rock & a hard place.

You can apply to your council for emergency housing -

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/homelessness/emergency_accommodation_if_homeless/emergency_housing_from_the_council

It may be a B&B/hostel/hotel, & it might be out of your own area, but it may be better than either option you have currently?

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:44:15

iknow, darkest, and he's not getting any more of me. and i intend to fight this time, for what i didn't fight hard enough for before. But i had a breakdown then and the fight went out of me. I have left a message for my original Dom violence advisor. I will get in touch with the policeman that saw me back in Feb.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:45:30

to be honest right now i am more upset about my parents and most of all my best friend.. i could go and live in a bus shelter..but i'd still be devastated at things they've said..

Dahlen Sat 20-Jul-13 18:46:45

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds completely overwhelming.

The council have a statutory obligation to house you. If you turn up on Monday morning at your local council with your belongings in a bag with you and explain that you have just left your abusive partner and have nowhere to go and no family or friends you can stay with, they will make sure you have somewhere to stay. Because of your lack of dependents, this will likely be a B&B for a while. If you don't have any income, this will not prevent them from arranging this for you and they will help you apply for housing benefit etc.

I think it is vital you do this. Once you are away from this highly toxic situation and all the people who keep undermining your every thought and deed, you will start to see things much more clearly and positively.

Good luck.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:48:16

so many people say, well just have a break and go travelling for a bit. Or stay with my brother who lives in Australia. Or rent a room..when i say i have no money , it doesnt mean i have some stashed away somewhere! It means i have about £50 of my overdraft left..and that is it. In the universe. And ihave sold a lot of stuff. If the doctor isnt on my side this week,, no more ESA of £70. How can someone with no money come up with a month's rent and deposit? No money means..some days you can't eat/ buy loo roll// that's what it really means..not, i can't afford a holiday, or , i will have to go to Tescos instead of Waitrose...

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:49:35

thank you Dahlen. that is just it..undermining. I feel like i''m being punished. DP is a lot older than me and been an alcoholic since his teens, when i was a child. So i'm sick of feeling I am to blame for him, somehow...

Twinklestein Sat 20-Jul-13 18:52:40

I'm really sorry about your friends & family. I know one should be able to rely on them in a crisis, but sometimes it brings out the worst in people.

You are technically homeless, so call Shelter 0808 800 4444
Mondays–Fridays: 8am–8pm; Weekends: 8am–5pm

Calls are free from UK landlines and main mobile networks.

Here's a document on how the council has to help you:

england.shelter.org.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0003/23358/SH033_Homeless_Read_this_Jan13_interactive.pdf

Couldn't just read and run. So sorry to hear about this. Can your friends not lend you money to set you up, when they know you have none? i'm sure you have tried to ask, but otherwise go back to the council. Do you have a local domestic violence outreach? Good idea to contact the police again. Explain your situation. As a last resort please reconsider a refuge, even if it's hard with children around. It'll be a stop-gap measure, for you to get head space and gain independency.
Sorry to ramble, just wish for you to get out of this situation.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 20-Jul-13 18:55:54

Do you work OP?

ah, good advice from Dahlen and Twinkle. Just take my post as meant in the best possible way, please smile

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 19:00:02

no I don't work now as when I fled in February (back to my parents and hometown) it meant leaving my job..without any notice. Which i will never forgive him for. I couldn't afford to stay around (where DP lives) so that i could keep my job. I had a breakdown in Feb and since then bad anxiety and insomnia.. i want to be working again.. I need it.. I don't feel i can until ive got an address and am sleeping.

Llareggub Sat 20-Jul-13 19:01:10

I had an abusive, alcoholic husband and 2 yo

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 19:01:11

and i don't think I'll sleep till i'm settled. In feb i was really traumatised by what he'd put me thru for the previous 6 months. and then he got worse. and then better. or so i thought :-(

Llareggub Sat 20-Jul-13 19:04:46

Phone posted 2 quickly.

You have to take control of your life and stop blaming your ex. He isn't going to change.

I was a SAHM and my route out was to get a job. I focused on being independent and doing things for myself. I had to earn to keep a roof over my head and provide a steady home life for my children.

I understand that at the moment things seem helpless but you have to start making things happen for you. List the things that you need to do and come up with a plan to make them happen. Small steps.

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