It's like an extra 'punishment', really.
Left abusive alcoholic DP back in Feb. Posted on here for support - I was lololizzy then (and i apologise for inbox messages I didn't get back to..i had such trouble with passwords etc that I couldn't reply)
To cut a long story short..it was hell being back at my parents, and i went back to him in April to take the stress off them and because I had no money (basically they are v insular and like it being just the two of them and can't cope with any sort of strain or stress..even though to respect their wishes, i had to never mention what had happened to me). I had tried applying for housing but they (housing benefits) were so rude and unhelpful, basically only cared if i had kids or not (i don't). I was too depressed to fight for anything. I didnt really go back to him for him, as i didn't miss and love him, but more to use him as a roof over my head...(we still split the bills etc)- i didnt feel bad about the rest as he's been so horribly abusive the last yr and caused me job loss and to have a breakdown etc) and move on when i was stronger and had money behind me (unlike when i left). Since then things have been ok and we got on well, living like flatmates more than partners, which suited me fine . He convinced me he'd given up the booze. Not so as i've just found out. He did go without several weeks but has also been secret drinking and the last two weeks have been bad and he drinks openly. Basically all this time he's lulled me into false security..as i was warned would happen. He is now trying giving up again but i don't trust him and his anger is bad drinking or not.
I'm back to square one and will probably have to go to parents for time being and go through it all again and push harder this time for help.
But i'm crushed by the lack of support . My parents have made it clear that i should stay with him 'until he flips again' and play it by ear (even though they know i called the police last week!) (he is not physical by the way...it's all bad verbal abuse, ferocious temper threats and blackmail, and financial. In the past it was his suicide threats, but hasn't been lately). My mother actually said 'it is too hot to think about or talk about any of this..go back and wait for him to erupt again' (how would she like to live treading on eggshells and having her every move scrutinised and criticised?!)
My parents tell me often, that it is my fault as he was my choice..they never liked him. My fault for joining Facebook and adding him on (that's how we met, we had mutual friends on it) My fault for driving down to meet him in the first place. and so on. Very much, you made your bed, you can lie in it.
This week i tried going back to theirs for a few days with a view to moving back in again temp. The trouble is, my dad although elderly, is a bully like my ex. And i have bad memories of being back in my childhood home as he was very violent when i was a child, by that i mean proper beating me up, knocking me out etc. I have spent years trying to forgive as his father was same with him and so on.. Yesterday he spent the whole day shouting at me because I had purchased a book for £7 in a sale . It is my first treat in ages. He yelled so all the neighbours could hear and then blamed it on me causing him to shout by spending money i shouldn't. I see his point that it's a lot when i lost my job (because of all this) and i'm on ESA (also because of all this) and i have a car to run (which i do really need) but i still feel it's punishing me..that he would begrudge me a book that would give me a few hours of relaxation i so desperately need. I also tried to explain about my depression, anxiety and severe insomnia. It fell on deaf ears...thinks i should pull myself together and get a job. How can i get a job when a/ i can't sleep and have terrible anxiety b / i have no confidence left, despite the fact i've always worked c/ am of no fixed address now and flitting between partner's flat and their house...depending on circumstances ('D''s drinking and rants depend on all this..no way to live , i know...)
Please don't suggest friends... no one has spare room..i've tried everyone. I have no money..if i had some savings i'd go away and try and start a new life. Please be gentle as i fear i'll be flamed for this.. i don't think i could face hostel or refuge. All my friends that have been in them, tell me not to do it and that they wouldn't do it again. Also because i can't have children, it is too painful for me to be around mothers with small kids. (and that is another issue..but one thing at a time).
Both my parents pretty much turned on me yesterday and sent me packing saying to only come back if i can live by their rules and only when DP gets really severe again. They care but in a cruel to be kind, tough love way i guess. I suppose i don't blame them for not wanting an adult child on their doorstep and i am reminded constantly of the failure i have become.
What has cut me to the core..is today. The last straw. My best friend has cut me out for months (when i needed her the most) and i didnt know why. Today she finally messaged me saying it was disgusting that i went back to him and i didnt take her advice so she was bloody well never giving it again (i never actually asked for it! only for support!) She said i knew what he was like and yet i went back. No..he was getting help and i sincerely believed he was off the drink. Things were fine for months. And i had no where else to go. This is just the last straw for me. I can't stop crying and i don't see much point in fighting for anything.
For 23 yrs, her life has been one big drama full of scandals and so on. I have always , always stood by her..whether i agreed or not. We have been thru everything together She also once returned to an abusive partner , she seems to forget this, so i can't believe she would judge like this. I supported her unconditionally. So i now have lost best friend, and parents are not supportive because they simply can't understand what i'm going thru and say i brought much of it on myself merely by being with him. Also last week another friend read me the riot act because i had 'ignored advice' and gone back to DP. These friends are both loaded. Do they really think if i had money and a place to go, I would've returned!?
Sorry this is so long. I can't believe i'm going thru this again.
But with less support this time because people judge me for going back.
Life isn't that simple nor so black and white. I am so lost, i just want to run far away (but can't afford to!) I am more upset about parents and best friend than DP..as i don't love him. I feel utterly alone.
If i can't reply to this straightaway it means i don't have privacy to read/ answer but i really need friends and hand holding as this is now worse than when i left in Feb...people didnt judge then. I guess they think i've cried wolf and have given up on me. I just didnt realise how hard it would be...in the practical ways.
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Devastated at lack of support and feel I am being punished for domestic abuse
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alltoomuchrightnow · 20/07/2013 18:22
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