Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Does this sound like husband is cheating? Or has a drinking problem?(59 Posts)
Constantly promises he's on his way home on the phone to me, only to turn up stinking drunk hours later. Most often around 1am, sometimes as late as 3am.
This happens maybe 3-4 times a week, always on a week night after work.
I work full time, look after our 2 year old and am almost 9 months pregnant.
Does this sound like he's cheating or maybe a drinking problem?
He's not secretive of his phone or emails, is happy to let me look through them both. i've openly asked him a million times and he denies it, but I don't know what to do a at my wits ends.
We row, have awful awful rows where we say disgusting things to each other, I'm usually crumpled in a heap crying hysterically, the next day he's sorry will never do it again, but by the end of the week he's back to lying and staying out all night til the early hours.
I take care of everything - finances, parenting, every single piece of responsibility I look after. I'm falling apart here doing everything and being constantly let down and lied too.
We can't afford couples counselling and don't know how to fix this.
We love each other and we're both so sad the next day, he's always sorry and hates himself for doing this, but can't seem to stop.
An advice is welcome.
Oh my god Attila. Every word of that, ^every word^: all true. Thank you so much for posting it.
It's very sad to read all this. Please focus on a birth plan and looking after yourself and your toddler for now.
So many of us (inc me) have been through this. Abuse & drink. It's so hard to take. Here's a big hug. Be strong and most importantly, try and keep away from him (hard as this may seem) as much as possible. Good luck with your delivery and try to just focus on yourself and kids.
That is so true
You need to read this as well:-
Sorry to say this Rex but you're stuck on that merry go around that is alcoholism as well. You're still propping him up and enabling him. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control. Talking to him about his drinking is a wasted effort. What does that really achieve?.
You need to realise that his primary relationship is with drink and is still with drink. Everything and everyone else does not matter. He's wondering where the next drink will come from.
Now we are in the "nice" bit of this cycle of abuse till he needs a drink again and that will happen sooner rather than later. This is all so sadly predictable.
What has really changed here - nothing from what I can see.
He does not want a chance from you to prove himself. You are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him besides which he does not want your help anyway. Not at all surprised he has not spoken to the GP, he likely will not do so either. He will just keep telling you what you so want to hear and to believe that this time he means it.
You are very vulnerable currently and he will let you down again. I would find an alternative birth partner because he will find any excuse to drink again either before or especially after your second child is born.
If you don't feel you can remind him about the GP appointment you are walking on eggshells around him.
Please get in touch with Al-Anon. You need to understand what 'giving him a chance' means in this context.
And please please make sure you have some alternative support for your birth.
I know someone who is 12 years down the line with a man like this. It is destroying her. He has never been any use to her and now the children see it too. And he's had an affair too.
She has given him so many chances.
Have you talked to your midwife?
Hi everyone. Well husband has been (predictably) on great form. Came home ear ly last couple of days, very helpful with toddler etc. the sad bit is this happens a lot, after a massive row about his drinking there is usually up to a week of great supportive behaviour, which is then slowly followed by snappyness, irritability and then episodes of staying out til past midnight - 3am uncontactable drinking, followed by a huge row.
He hasn't mentioned making a doctors appointment since the night after the row. I'm nt sure whether to bring it up or not.
I don't want to be a mug but at the same time I want to give him a chance to prove himself.
Haven't had any cramps or painful episodes but do feel a bit unease withy he situation almost like its to good to be true, and waiting for the next crazy drink induced row.
Is that a negative way to behave? Should I give him the chance to prove himself or have another talk about what he's going to do to address this drink issue going forward?
Been there, done that - unfortunately
It will only get worse - he has no idea that he is addicted to alcohol, that it rules his life, and that it will destroy both your lives, and your children's lives.
the misery, for you, will only intensify
can you afford a nanny?
You need a short term plan before you can start looking at the bigger picture lovely.
Put family members in place for your imminent birth
do not even think about relying on him - but you know that already....
Stay strong xxxx
Sorry going through this. My initial thoughts are 1) he's an alcoholic, 2) can you even trust him to look after your toddler during labour and 3) would you trust him holding a tiny baby? It's a horrible thing to bring up but what if he fell asleep holding him/her on the sofa etc? He's a risk to your children in this current state
I have lived with an alcoholic in my life and it was all exactly like you have described Rex. I second the suggestion that, first things first, you get a plan sorted for the birth that does not involve him, as you cannot guarantee that he will be around when you need him.
I speak as someone who was booked in for a spinal epidural (v bad slipped disc) and "the love of my life" was going to a) take me to the hospital & b) bring me home again (I needed to be with someone for 24 hrs after the op or they wouldn't allow me to be discharged, just in case my legs fell off or something). My mum had died suddenly about 5 days beforehand - not only was he too pissed to take me to the hospital (at 10 in the morning - he'd started drinking before I woke up) - please note that even in this circumstance, when I needed his support the most, he was unable to not prioritise the drink over me - but come discharge time he'd turned his phone off. I had to pretend someone was waiting for me at home so they'd let me out. He turned up 2 days later on the morning of my mum's funeral - pissed.
And do you know what? I thought he loved me - I just couldn't understand how it could be that someone who loved me so much could do that - it took me a long while to truly understand that an alcoholic is not capable of loving anyone while they are in the throes of their addiction. How could he think of me like that? The truth was, he wasn't thinking about me at all - he was just thinking about his next drink.
Sorry, went off on one there but I am trying to show you why you need to start prioritising yourself: he may or he may not start dealing with his alcohol problems, but that is not in your power to effect and as a wise person said above, you can't cure it, you cant change it and you certainly can't control it.
I am so sorry this is happening for you Rex and am sending you much love. Keep talking to us on here.
Words are cheap and I am sorry to say he has more likely than not told you what you have so wanted to hear again. Thus the merry go around that is alcoholism continues.
There are no guarantees with alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards.
You cannot save or rescue him but you can certainly help your own self more. Have you spoken with Al-anon?.
<We spoke last night and he said he's ashamed on himself, admitted he had a drinking problem amd said it would be for the bes if he stopped going out and knock drinking on the head for a while. He also agreed to make an appointment with th GP.
He apologised for his behaviour but he's done this so many times before.>
When I used to hear this I would feel so relieved and happy and think that it was worth sticking around and working on the relationship because finally he admitted it so then we could do something to stop it. It didn't usually last long, either he got smarter at hiding it, or he would play nice for a few days to keep me happy and then do straight back to his old behaviour. It is all part of the rollercoaster of living with an alcoholic. The only way he may stop is by reaching absolute rock bottom, and your H is not there. By the way, I was stupid enough to hear and believe that statement on average twice a month for seven or more years.
You said he's done this all before... what is he going to do differently this time? That lovely saying 'insanity is doing the same things but expecting a different outcome' or something like that!
I am lucky enough not to have shared my life with an alcoholic but have read lots of sad threads on here and the same truth seems to always come out... loss and hitting rock bottom is the only thing that will motivate genuine change and that's why i think it's important that you either ask him to spend some time away or stay with your family for a bit. You can then sort out some cover for your birth and he will realise what he is jeopardising... Perhaps he can then really start to turn it round (and you won't be worrying about labour).
I don't want to doom & gloom you but i will be surprised if he can go from 3/4 nights heavy drinking to nothing without very strong motivation. Losing his family and having to work to get them back could be it!
I hope you are having a calmer night and here's to no more craps till the real thing
Hi rex, you're right to be worried about this. You need a back up plan for when the inevitable happens. Who can you ask? I feel anxious about you being left high and dry. Who will look after your 2 year old and who can be there for you? Please plan something.
So he's thinking maybe he's pushed it a bit too far (again) and he's saying the usual stuff. I'm sure he is ashamed - who wouldn't be - but this sounds to me like a late-in-the day-token-gesture in case you're thinking of booting him out. Maybe you'll have a couple of days of him being nice, then he'll make an excuse to start a fight and fuck off to the pub saying no wonder he drinks cos he has to live with you. Please don't make any appointments for him, or remind him at all. Leave him to it and see if he means it.
How are you doing physically today? Any more cramps? Have you been eating and drinking, and did you get any peace/quiet/rest?
Thank you all for the advice and support. Honestly, I'm very worried about going into labour whilst he's out drinking and uncontactable.
We spoke last night and he said he's ashamed on himself, admitted he had a drinking problem amd said it would be for the bes if he stopped going out and knock drinking on the head for a while. He also agreed to make an appointment with th GP.
He apologised for his behaviour but he's done this so many times before.
Happy your DH sounds like a horrible selfish man child. So what happens if you do into labour whilst on one of his little piss ups?
He is a mess, his life is a mess, he is selfish and cruel. You would do him a favour by asking him to leave. You would do your DC a favour by asking him to leave. And on his own he might start on the road to recovery but the present situation is bad for all of you.
Is there someone who can stay with you for a while, DM, Dsis or a friend?
OP I think you need to focus less on whether he is cheating on you and more on how badly he treats you. I know how hard it is to accept when you are in the middle on the situation (search here for similar posts, they all are similar), but listen to what everyone here is saying.
He is behaving in a absolutely disgusting way towards you and the children, leaving you extremely vulnerable. I can tell you know, if you detached from him, in time you would have flashbacks to things he did and it would shock you like sharp punches to the pit of your stomach.
Please get yourself support for your birth and tell someone in RL what is going on. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy, and you need to focus on getting support for you - not hiding away. FGS the stress of his behaviour is giving you stomach cramps. ((((hugs))))
God, you sound amazing with all you do. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
I think your absolute priority at the moment is to get a birth plan in place. Do you have family/friends who can take care of your toddler when you go into labour?
It's obvious there's no way you can entrust their care to him!
I went into labour at 8 months, I honestly believe due to the stress and violence caused by my then H.
Evening Rex - hope the craps have died down a bit although its a good point around support for when you do go into labour. You need to be concerned with your soon to arrive baby, not how you're getting to the hospital or who will look after your other child.. just madness!
Have you heard anything from him yet?
Do you have family nearby you could decamp to for a few days until you're less worried,tearful & scared (sorry if you've already mentioned this). I just think you need some time to get your head clearer so you can start to make some plans.. if not family, some dear friends who can look out for you! I'm on the south coast if i can help?
I know it's hard but i have two small ones and whilst my H is still involved, you will surprise yourself just what you can accomplish if you have to!
I'm not clear what he brings into your life apart from occasional niceness? And more than half the week he's thoughtless unkind and downright mean, even abusive???
Please talk to someone intelligent in real life. You sound I'm afraid to say like a doormat who is putting up with a poor excuse of a partner, and for what? Life's way too short and your kids really don't deserve it either.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.