How to reply to email from SIL?

[ChangingWoman]

I recently posted about exH's behaviour around DD both in terms of his general appearance (smelling, hungover, ragged clothes) and manipulation ("Daddy is hungry / broke / has nowhere to sleep...").

The SIL who is closest to my age knows many of my friends. I told a mutual friend about exH being stopped by the police recently after they thought he was a suspicious man hanging around the kids' playground rather than DD's dad. We got talking and I told her a great deal of further background which has then apparently been passed on to SIL. It wasn't a secret and I made a conscious decision last year that I'm not going to hide exH's behaviour from any family or friends any more. So, I don't mind it being passed on but SIL's reaction has surprised me.

She sent me an email suggesting that we set "standards of behaviour" which have to be kept for exH to visit DD and that each of us enforce them. These include being completely sober and not hungover, being clean, and being reasonably dressed.

After living with an alcoholic I know that her suggestions are utterly futile and a waste of time and energy. One way or another I need to stop or move to highly controlled contact with DD. I'm asking for advice on how to do this on my other thread.

I have no interest in engaging with exH and frankly need to move to less contact rather than more. However, I am touched that SIL is even bothered about me and DD and the effect this is having on us. I want to send a civil reply. She also wants to talk to me about it by phone and I really can't be arsed. I'm happy to see her with mutual friends or chat by phone occasionally if one of us has family news. I don't want to spend hours dissecting exH's actions and motivation. It goes nowhere and I resent time spent even thinking about him.

None of their family said or did anything whatsoever either during our dysfunctional marriage, or during the two years exH stayed in my house during our divorce (drinking, playing playstation, and spending money on my overdraft, while claiming to be trying to move). Their father was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive towards their mother. She is very religious and "stayed for the children" who are now very messed up (think suicide attempts, alcoholism, substance abuse, serial abusive relationships).

This particular SIL has been trying to get her act together in the last couple of years and from the evolution of her attitudes and conversation, I would guess that she has had quite a bit of counselling.

How should I reply to her?

(Thank you if you got this far - this was a bit longer than I intended.)

[ChangingWoman]

Other current thread is here - had forgotten how to post links and had to look it up...

[MNiscold]

Maybe you and SiL both need allies right now. Though you may not want to take the time to talk with her, she is trying to support you and you might need that someday. She may need you!! There may not be many people who support her, either. I do remember your thread, and it is so sad. I wouldn't cut SIL off, but that's just me; I'm not the one who has to talk with her.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Humm, it's hard to reply when she's at a totally different point in her understanding of it all.

I totally agree about you not wanting to dissect and analyse and waste your time, mental and emotional energy on him, I spent years and years trying to understand my ex h, and it was a trap, the only way to move forwards is to disengage and accept that there is no reason or anything you can do to change the person or help.

Don't get dragged back there, for your own sanity!

Maybe say that you are touched by her thoughtfulness and kindness by trying to help, but that you have spent x years trying that approach, and that it didn't work. You cannot and should not go back to that way of living, as you find it too upsetting, so hope she can respect your need to keep that in the past..., ?

[cocolepew]

I don't understand why she is telling you about standards that need to be kept up. Surely it's her brother she should be emailing?

[WafflyVersatile]

Maybe just say that you are genuinely touched that she has put care and thought into suggesting frameworks for contact and that you agree that there need to be boundaries set, but that you are already taking steps resolve these issues in the best interests of your DC. Hope to see you soon under happier circs etc.

[ChangingWoman]

MNiscold: She probably does need allies. SIL has a lot of acquaintances but few true friends and has had a tough time with some awful, abusive men. It's a pretty big turn around for her to even begin considering that a man ought to be held accountable for his own behaviour. I'd like to metaphorically hold her hand but am wary of getting too close to someone so vulnerable when my own reserves are low. I wouldn't cut her off but I think we both need stronger friends and supporters than each other right now.

Coco: Very good point. But SIL doesn't get that, and there's also no point in trying to influence or control an addict of any sort. All you can do is step away and save yourself.

I think a big part of the problem with people like exH is that others in their family have facilitated their irresponsibility.

Everyone in their family talks about exH and their dad as though they are children with no responsibility for their actions which then need to be managed by everyone else around tehm. Actually what exH and FIL have done, and continue to do, is pretty horrible when you tot up the damages to other people in terms of emotional, practical and financial hurt. They are responsible and should face the music alone.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Could you just tell her the truth? I am not great with words, but sometimes it is easier to be honest, and short (to limit discussions).

Ie I am touched at you took the time to consider our situation. I am afraid that controlling an alcoholic is like trying to hold the tide: exhausting and impossible. It would be lovely to meet up for a chat over the summer to catch up. What is she doing this summer?

Then just answer only what you are willing to discuss: sex, religion and politics but nt exH.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

PS: the family if alcoholics rarely look at their own behaviour. My DF was an alcoholic. After his death (drunken suicide), his DM tried to take the publican to court as it was his fault for serving the drinks. In her mind, the family, which masked his drinking under "he is end of the lads" sticky plaster, had nothing to do with it. The court case failed.

[LJL69]

I think Frequent's email sounds the one. It is short but warm and keeps the contact there (for sake of DD) but also still at arms length. If she is getting help it may be that down the line she will be good to have around so your DD has some contact with that side of her family but it will be with someone who is more stable than the rest. Wishing you lots of luck xx

[UptheChimney]

Could you suggest she might like to attend AlAnon? That is, not AA, but the organisation for families and friends of alcoholics. Then she might eventually learn that in dealing with another person who's an alcoholic, you have to understand that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. The alcoholic has to stop themselves.

But your SIL sounds kind and trying to do the right thing. It must be tough being her from her family, from what you say.

But I get that you don't want to rent space in your head to your exH. As someone else says, she's at a different place with all this. But you're both affected, so an alliance might be nice.