Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If you found out 'd'h lied about where his was staying while working away

(45 Posts)
Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 00:39:00

Would you confront or store the information...

He stayed with someone he once had an emotional affair with but is now married. Her husband was there too, I don't think anything untoward is going on other than he knows I wouldn't like him staying there. He told me specifically he was staying elsewhere.

The emotional affair was about five years ago when she had split from her partner (who she is now married to)

I've read his messages so def know where he stayed.

BlameItOnTheBogey Thu 04-Jul-13 00:45:28

Do you definitely know her DH was there?

LegoCaltrops Thu 04-Jul-13 00:47:57

Are you certain her DH was there as well?
Personally I'd have to confront, it would eat away at me otherwise.

Hope someone will come along soon with more advice.

Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 00:50:04

Yeah cause he spoke about taking a certain gadget to show him and she mentioned that he always liked to see him...

fortyplus Thu 04-Jul-13 00:51:21

Definitely confront - he's lied to you

BOF Thu 04-Jul-13 00:51:33

I'd pack his bags.

LackaDAISYcal Thu 04-Jul-13 00:57:36

for me, the lying about it would be a massive abuse of my trust, regardless of whether his "OW's" DH was there or not.

As an aside though, does the DH know about the emotional affair? I can't imagine any partner who would be happy welcoming a previous OM into their house, even if he and his later DW were apart at the time <speaking from experience>

TalkativeJim Thu 04-Jul-13 00:59:11

I second BOF

BOF Thu 04-Jul-13 01:00:31

I doubt the husband was there.

Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 01:06:32

No I don't think the husband knows... Am sure as I can be that he was there. 'D'h has a very short memory though and will now deny the emotional affair even though we almost split up... They were always just good friends... hmm

At least if I don't say anything I can still see what's being said, and feel a little in control (yes I know how stupid that sounds supposedly being in control) only problem is I can't stand being near him sad

NatashaBee Thu 04-Jul-13 01:11:38

I'd store the information and keep watching. If the husband doesn't know, then it doesn't give you any indication that it was innocent... (Sorry). For all you know they could have been in the house alone before the husband returned from work or after he left the next morning.

Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 07:09:24

Def going to keep watching, am totally prepared for it not to be innocent, although I do think it is innocent, it is its the lying that gets me, never really realised how easily that came to him...

HenWithAttitude Thu 04-Jul-13 07:24:31

The emotional affair in the past wouldn't worry me (ESP as her husband was there by the sounds of it). What would bother me is being lied to. I could not be with someone who lied, no matter what about

AnyFucker Thu 04-Jul-13 07:27:40

Why are you frightened of calling your husband out on his deception ?

Because you looked at his messages ?

Fuck that.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Jul-13 07:29:35

Good luck at keeping your mouth shut as you look at his smug and deceitful face over the cornflakes

I couldn't do it

Do you keep your mouth shut about a lot of things to hang onto to a cheating partner ?

Boosterseat Thu 04-Jul-13 08:45:52

He lied about where he was staying?

And you’re going to sit on this?

Ex EA or not it’s not bloody acceptable to lie about where you are staying.

Sorry, I couldn’t and wouldn’t live with that

blueshoes Thu 04-Jul-13 08:52:38

He can still stay in a hotel and show her dh the gadget. Why does he have to stay over and lie to you about it? Agree there is the risk that he could be using this as a convenient cover for sneaking things in the cracks of time.

Does she work outside the home during the day? What time is her dh at home? Are you sure he even went to work that day?

Wellwobbly Thu 04-Jul-13 08:53:11

'D'h has a very short memory though and will now deny

- I was talking with a male IC about this very thing this week.

This apparently, is the hugest mistake that women make - their assumption that men do not know exactly what they are doing. Instead, they are 'confused' 'depressed' or 'can't remember'.

Male IC said: it lets men off the hook all the time, whilst being controlling and patronising.

My take on it: we do not really, or are not really able to, take on board just how much [immature/abusive/not straight] men lie to us in order to keep a position of advantage.

And the position is beautifully illustrated by chumplady.com 'the unified theory of cake'. EVERYTHING boils down to cake.

blueshoes Thu 04-Jul-13 08:57:00

You never forget an emotional affair. Did he have the emotional affair during your or her marriage or both? Even more reason why he would not forget!

blueshoes Thu 04-Jul-13 08:58:54

I'd be hopping mad. But will resist the temptation to confront him immediately. Is it possible to do more investigation as to whether this is the first time he has done this or is this part of a bigger pattern of behaviour? If it is the former, you have to nip this in the bud but build your case first before tipping him off.

How often does he work away?

Fairyloo Thu 04-Jul-13 09:05:36

You would leave for that? I don't believe you BOF

Lies, secrets, omissions.... those are what destroy a marriage. Confront him. If he was really over her, and really respected you he wouldn't have any contact with her, or go anywhere near her out of respect for you.

brilliantwhite Thu 04-Jul-13 09:16:01

although I do think it is innocent, it is its the lying that gets me, never really realised how easily that came to him.........

if its innocent he would not of lied .

It's surely a given that it's never going to be salvageable after this?

He had an EA anyway...and now this!

You're not going to trust him again and no trust = a bad/unhealthy relationship.

I'd confront him with the general belief that this was the beginning of the end personally.

Sorry for you, you must feel so hurt to know he could lie to you so easily and would probably continue to do so, as long as you didn't 'find out' too late, the idiot hmm brew

(and innocent or not, he lied because he knew you'd hate it, rightly so, rather than just not bloody doing it. That speaks volumes. Also, he can't have much integrity if he's able to be around her DH who has no idea, which is pretty cruel in itself?

If you aren't up for leaving for the time being then I bet keeping it to yourself and watching him think he got away with it/doing it again will help you make your mind up. Good luck).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now