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complicated new man

(73 Posts)
evuscha Thu 20-Jun-13 19:04:28

So the story is like this: I haven´t been in a relationship for more than 3 years now (btw no kids or divorce involved), just casually dating but never met someone for something more serious and someone I could actually like enough. Up until now - I met a lovely guy about 3 weeks ago and we have been seeing each other since then. The problem is he told me straight away that he was not looking for a serious relationship and that he wouldnt want to lead me on - I asked if that means I should treat this as fun only and he said yes. But he doesn´t act like it at all (I am comparing him to all the other guys that I met who were just looking for fun) - he plans our dates very carefully with interesting stuff to do on them (going to special places with romantic views, teaching me rock climbing, etc., not only the usual dinner and drinks) and he is very sweet with me, cuddles me, strokes my hair, gives me compliments....which basically leaves me a bit confused, his words compared to his actions. I like him a lot and I could totally fall for him and the chemistry is there as well.

That brings me to the second problem: he stayed over at mine for the night after the first date already (but no sex, just kisses and cuddles), then after our last date we had sex...well, tried to - as it turned out, while he is very good at all the other things in sex, he has erectile problems...he was apologizing over and over again for it. Then it dawned on me that maybe this and the "I am not looking for a relationship" is somehow connected - perhaps he thinks no girl would want him with this problem, or perhaps he has some horrible experience from past relationship.... I am too shy to ask him (although hopefully I will when the mood is right) as we are still at early stages of getting to know each other and we talk mostly about just "fun stuff" since we are not supposed to be a relationship as he said.

I guess what I am asking is, does my thinking make any sense? Is it likely that he actually likes me a lot but is shy or insecure and so pretends to play it cool just to protect himself? Should I attempt to have a "talk" anytime soon or should I just take it easy and let it be for a bit?
Also, about this erectile problem - I have totally no idea how to handle this sensitively. Attempt to discuss it, try whatever I can think of in bed (I tried also what he asked me to do but it didnt work sad or again let it be for a while and relax?¨

Thank you sooo much for any opinions...I am just confused at this point (apart from thinking that my relationships never go easy - that I know for sure)

Xales Thu 20-Jun-13 19:13:39

It's 3 weeks. You are already confused and thinking that your relationships (so putting this in that category) don't go easy. You shouldn't be having any of these thoughts at 3 weeks especially if this has been stated as a no strings just fun thing.

Would you be happy with him as just a friend?

If so after only 3 weeks I suggest you drop all the sex/touchy feely stuff, have him as just a friend to have fun with and look out for someone else to date.

Personally I think people who tell you they don't want a serious relationship, just fun but then do all the relationship stuff say it so that they can use it as a get out card once they are bored and you are hooked. Just my opinion though.

scaevola Thu 20-Jun-13 19:21:02

You'tpee hypothesis could be right.

But so could one which says "I'm really not interested in a relationship, and my body can't make it / fake it when I'm not that interested"

It's early days. It's meant to be fun, not the accuse of introspection and second guessing. He's said he's not a long term prospect for you. So Just enjoy friendship, and I hope you are not closing off possibilities of meeting more men.

Chubfuddler Thu 20-Jun-13 19:22:08

Too much hard work. I didn't even get through your whole post before I thought too much hard work. M

Dump.

evuscha Thu 20-Jun-13 19:24:21

I suppose I just got excited at finally meeting someone that I like and who (seems to) like me as well, thus calling it a relationship, although of course it is very early days for it.
Thanks for your opinion!

evuscha Thu 20-Jun-13 19:32:42

That´s the thing; while I am not avoiding meeting more men (I still go out and stuff of course), I don´t think I would date another guy while still seeing him....so if I do get asked out by someone else I like, I guess then it´s the time for the talk with him - and if he really meant the "no relationship" thing, then stop seeing him.

After he said this (about not wanting a relationship), he added "...but I guess you get asked out a lot anyway" which also made me thinking that he is just terribly insecure rather than playing with me and keeping his options open...

Ok, maybe I am just overanalyzing things, but knowing how hard it is for me to meet someone that I really like, I just thought I would give it some time and energy before dumping him. Is it mad?

orangeandemons Thu 20-Jun-13 19:34:49

I think you have to take him at his word. Or tell him you are looking for more than fun, and see how he reacts.

Hissy Brazil Thu 20-Jun-13 19:46:26

His initials aren't JC by any chance, are they?

I knew someone exactly like that. Even down to the ED.

oopsadaisymaisy Thu 20-Jun-13 19:46:36

Hi op. Honestly I would just move on. He sounds a bit complex although I do know what its like when you meet someone you enjoy spending time with. You will definitely meet someone else but you need to make space for them.

Raaraathenoisybaby Thu 20-Jun-13 19:54:26

Guys I have dated who have been honest enough to say they weren't looking for a relationship - really weren't looking for a relationship. He has been respectful toward you in lots of ways - take him at fave value and enjoy it but heed his words

Dahlen Thu 20-Jun-13 19:54:55

Three weeks and it's causing you this much angst? Seriously, move on.

niceupthedance Thu 20-Jun-13 19:57:40

It sounds like he doesn't want a relationship. If you do, I would cut your losses now before you get hurt. Making up excuses as to why he might not want a relationship is not going to help.

I think you like him more than you should and are looking for reasons that may not exist. Sorry. hmm

wiseoldowl Thu 20-Jun-13 21:08:41

Well actually OP I agree with you.
It very much sounds like a man trying to play it cool & appear not bothered....men are more insecure than they would have us believe. My DP was much the same early on.
I say, stick with it if you like him/trust him but keep an open mind!

badinage Thu 20-Jun-13 21:16:58

Okay, what do you think a man (who despite his protestations was looking for a relationship) would do if he met a woman who said she wasn't really interested in a relationship but was happy to have sex, but then found out that penetrative sex was off the menu?

Would he be agonising on a relationships forum after 3 weeks, wondering whether there were hidden messages?

Or would he cut his losses?

I think he is using the "no relationship " quote as a shield, because of his ED, have that talk with him,offer to accompany him to see his GP, I am sure that if he gets treatment, i.e. Viagra type treatment, he will be able to respond to you, & hopefully become a full on relationship ... Best wishes.

evuscha Sun 23-Jun-13 09:23:11

Thank you all for your opinions, I very much appreciate it and will do what wiseoldowl said - "stick with it if you like him/trust him but keep an open mind" is just what feels right to me at the moment. I also agree I shouldn´t take it too seriously right now so will try to relax and take it easy and see how it goes.

Ashoething Sun 23-Jun-13 09:44:04

How old are you because you sound like a teenager?-jeez its been 3 weeks. He doesn't want a relationship only a casual shag and he cant even shag you!!n Are you really so insecure you think this is the best you can do?

CVSFootPowder Sun 23-Jun-13 09:59:24

I guess I don't understand the 'no relationship' thing being a shield? confused
Surely if it was because of the ED he wouldn't be bothering to attempt to shag anyone.
I don't see why he thinks he can keep trying to shag during casual flings after forewarning he doesn't want a relationship, but he can't have a relationship because he can't have sex? My head's in a spin with that one.

I agree that men who tell you upfront they dont want a relationship usually mean it. They can lay on the romance thick, they can make you feel that they're really into you, but that doesn't change the fact they don't want to be in a relationship. The excuses are irrelevant.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Jun-13 10:01:31

I don't think 'stick with it' is good advice precisely because even though he says 'let's not take it seriously' and you say you're not taking it seriously, you're taking it seriously..... He sounds like a person that would be a nice friend but is all wrong as lover/partner material and that you're going to waste a huge amount of time and emotion thinking you're responsible for his neuroses.

When you can't fix him you'll be back here, gutted.

minmooch Sun 23-Jun-13 10:11:15

I am a very strong woman and yet I have always attracted men who need fixing. I felt a certain amount of power thinking I was fixing them - but when it has come down to the crunch I have discovered very painfully that I never fixed them, they didn't really want fixing, I was a good crutch for them and they took my strength and did not return it.

Don't waste your time and energy. He had these problems at the start if your relationship but any time into it you will begin to believe that they are caused by you. It is not worth the heartache really.

nkf Sun 23-Jun-13 10:17:00

I would say that he meant the no relationship thing and there is no need to double check that point. As to the sex, it might get better and it might not. Only time will tell.

Thurlow Sun 23-Jun-13 10:20:29

Am I the only person who read this and thought that perhaps this man does have genuine ED and is scared that this will stop women wanting to have a relationship with him? That he is putting up barriers beforehand to try and stop himself getting hurt?

I must be missing something but apart from there being a massive problem in the bedroom (and that's everyone's individual choice whether they would stop seeing someone because of that), he doesn't appear to be doing anything too odd?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sun 23-Jun-13 10:31:30

Listen to what he has told you he is not looking for a relationship.

Don't wonder why
Don't wonder if that's the truth
Don't wonder if you can change his mind
Don't wonder if it has anything to do with his ED

Just listen to what he has told you.

If you can handle dating him without getting too involved - fine. If you can't, back out now. Been there, done that and in future I'd back out now.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 23-Jun-13 10:33:46

I would ask him I think - but you'd have to ask yourself some questions first.

It seems odd that he would be so much saying it's a casual (ie, sex only!) thing but then he actually has problems having sex. It just doesn't really add up.

I would probably also assume he is nervous about the ED and hence is saying he doesn't want a relationship in order not to disappoint you.

So I would think to yourself, what do you really want from him, is it sex, something platonic but fun, or is it a relationship? If you want a relationship, would the ED bother you or be a big issue? (If you just want sex, then cut your losses) If you just want to be friends who "date" then be careful you aren't falling for him.

I would not assume that because he keeps setting up "romantic" dates that means he secretly wants a relationship or read anything into it. He might just find that kind of thing more fun than dinner & drinks.

But, you won't find out the answers to any of this unless you talk to him honestly and really listen to the answers rather than hearing what you want to hear. It might be a painful conversation for both of you, but probably better sooner rather than later.

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