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Just showed this to DH & basically got no reply...

(39 Posts)

Wrote this to DH as I knew I wouldn't be able to say it:

'Just writing this out as I know if I try and say it you'll interrupt me. I know I'm being a cow lately but I'm just so angry about everything (the state of the house, the legal side, my inability to tackle anything) & can't pretend it's ok anymore. You just seem to want to blame everything on my illness & think that all will be fine once I'm better...it won't, I'm ill because of the state of affairs not the cause of things being like this.

I know my expectations are way too high & I need help to make them more realistic.

I don't want things to continue like this but have absolutely no idea how to fix things, I think we need help.'

He basically read it, continued playing on his phone then said 'well let's tidy up then' & that was it. There's a long back story which he is fully aware of plus I'm under a MHP for severe PND.

What do I do now?

I am getting therapy for my PND so am working on changing me.

Boomba Sun 16-Jun-13 23:36:14

All that house stuff, sounds like it is probably out of his control

Is there more to it?

Numberlock Sun 16-Jun-13 23:42:09

You need to be clear about what you want and how you can both get there, not just this random anger.

Make a list.

Re the house, yes some of it is out of his control but when I asked him what the next step was he said he had to talk with his brother...that was a month ago & he STILL hasn't spoken to him (despite his brother only living up the road).

We have discussed the house & tried to come up with a list of things that need doing & prioritised them. Hopefully will see some progress soon.

Boomba Sun 16-Jun-13 23:55:27

is he working and trying to fit the house around that? Or does he sit on his arse all day doing nothing?

No he does work. It's just impossible as I need him to help with the boys too at weekends as I do struggle & obviously he can't do that and the house. But he won't even consider getting someone in to do some of the jobs.

bbqsummer Mon 17-Jun-13 00:00:09

Sounds like he has a lot of control - and is keeping progress unduly slow.

Ring the brother yourself.
What does your therapist say about all of this?

Everyone I've spoken to thinks I've been more than patient & put up with a lot, but DH dismisses any other opinion, saying they've only heard my side of the story. True, but it doesn't mean it's totally invalid.

2rebecca Mon 17-Jun-13 22:44:52

He can disregard it as invalid though if doing so doesn't have consequences.
I wouldn't stay with a man who didn't think my opinion was as valid as his. If we had a discussion and we disagreed then he said "we're still doing it my way" on all major decisions then he'd be making future decisions completely on his own.
I'm not saying "leave the bastard" but reiterating the fact that the only person whose behaviour you can control is your own.
If he insists everything has to be done his way then the only decision you have to make is to decide whether you stay and do things his way or leave.

Sondosia Tue 18-Jun-13 06:30:50

If he won't accept any help with the house stuff, is there anyone else who could help you with the boys at weekends to give him more time to focus on the house?

I have total sympathy for your situation but honestly, I can see his point of view too. He works all day, comes home to help you take care of DC, squeezes in working on the house whenever he can, but that's not enough. You didn't like living at his gran's house so he got you out of there as soon as he could, but living somewhere unfinished isn't good enough. He made an overly optimistic estimate for how long the work would take and got accused of being deliberately deceitful (and if I've got my timelines right, he made this estimate before the birth of your DC? So was presumably had a priority shift and was maybe a bit naive about how much time and energy he would need for fatherhood).

I'm not saying he's blameless by any means - he sounds stubborn and not very good at communication - but I think there needs to be a bit of give on both sides, if you see what I mean?

I know my expectations are too high. But today I'm cross because FIL had 'a word' with me about the legal side of the house & once again it's totally different from what DH told me. Have been thinking it over all afternoon, can't discuss it with DH as he's at work. Am gradually getting more & more annoyed by the whole thing.

Boomba Tue 18-Jun-13 17:19:54

do you think your DP is trying to trick you about the house?

It seems really important to you, that it is transfered into your name? Have you bought it off BiL but it is still in his name?

Is it a deal breaker for you?

No the house is outright owned 50% by DH & 50% by his brother. It is important to me, partly because we want to release some equity for home improvements, plus relations with the ILs is is not great at the best of times & I don't feel secure knowing BIL could in theory force the sale of the house. So yeah, it kind of is a deal breaker if it's not sorted. DH & his family think I should just take their word for it that they would never do wrong by me or the boys but that's not good enough for me.

DIYapprentice Tue 18-Jun-13 17:32:16

If he trusts his family, then let him trust his family. Get your DH's 50% signed over to YOU unconditionally (with a post nuptial agreement - UK courts routinely uphold them), and he can trust them to get the other 50% to HIM.

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