Unknown

[Drhamsterstortoise]

Hi everyone.this is my first post on mumsnet-long time lurker.would really like your opinions on this situation.i have two beautiful girls dd1 4 and dd2 6 weeks.My husband works away three or four nights a week which i find tough-but manageable.what is really getting me down at the moment is that he is training for an ironman which takes up most of his free time(sometimes 7 hour training sessions).While he is great at housework (i just ant seem to keep on top of it atm)he hasn't been very involved with new baby.I am breastfeeding.I suppose I am quite lonely and a bit sad that he is missing out on this precious time.His family seem to be supportive of his goals so I suppose I just wonder am I being unreasonable in wanting him to be more involved?

[Offred]

No I don't think you are. My dh ran away to work (he is able to work from home) when my twins were 3 weeks and my elder two were 3 (in preschool for 15 hours) and 4 (in school). He couldn't handle the difficulty of it and I don't think I've ever forgiven him for abandoning me because I really struggled and failed to cope after he went back (babies failed to thrive).

Is yours just being dense and inconsiderate and wanting to carry on as normal? Either way you are looking after your child together, it is not ok to abandon you and leave you feeling unsupported because he has a hobby I think. Would he tolerate you being out at a hobby sometimes for 7 hours? Why is he just assuming you will stay at home with the baby on your own?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's a question of priorities and consideration. Work's work and puts food on the table but sporting contests come round all the time and can be put on hold when there is something as important as a new baby in the family. When do you get 7 hours to yourself outside the home? Sounds like the balance is quite wrong at the moment.

[Drhamsterstortoise]

Thank you for your replies.I'm sorry to hear what you went through offred.I think the others he trains with don't understand as they don't have kids and his mother was a sahm and did all the child rearing and housework and would be of the opinion that when babies are small they only need their mothers

[Offred]

That doesn't matter really though he should be concerned mostly with what you, HIS wife feels and thinks.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Why should these others or his mother matter? He's a grown-up, he's got responsibilities and he's currently being selfish. Have you actually challenged him about this and told him he's got his priorities wrong?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

x-post

[ofmiceandmen]

Sometimes we forget what things a stay at home parent has had to give up to raise children. Give him a a straight talking reminder. Dear I gave up .... for us. and I need your support during this time ..., this could break me and thus break us.

Iron man, pub, video games, etc etc all equate to the same thing regardless of how noble a cause they may be = a from of abdicating responsibility. We bring children to the world together, raising them should be no less together.

Suggest an aupair, nanny, family live-in support - call the troops. If you could get more 'you' time and him give up a little bit of 'him' time- you could avoid being on MN 2 years from now discussing divorce. yes dont blindly walk into that future.

[Drhamsterstortoise]

Yes cogito-many times.At this stage there's only a few weeks to go so he wants to see it through and I do too-otherwise it would all have been for nothing.He knew what was involved as he did one when our eldest was two .He also knew I wasn't happy about him doing a second one.Its caused a lot of tears .I just feel that we are young and healthy with two lovely happy healthy children and should be making the most of our time together as a family.

[Drhamsterstortoise]

I'm currently on maternity leave ofmiceamen.I think the situation would be worse if I wasn't financially independent.His mother is fantastic and looks after dd1 when I am working so we are really lucky.I just want him to be more involved in family life

[LEMisdisappointed]

He does sound incredibly selfish - is he always selfish over things?

[Drhamsterstortoise]

At the moment my judgement is probably clouded because I feel so annoyed with him-I actually don't know.how would I tell if he was selfish?he does like things to be done his way

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Of course he's selfish. In full knowledge of your due date & the training schedule required he deliberately planned to take part in a contest that, combined with working away, would get him fullly out of the picture for the later stage of your pregnancy and the first couple of months of your baby's life. Even knowing that you needed his involvement and were very upset he went ahead and did it anyway. Egged on by his indulgent parents he does what he wants and stuff what anyone else wants. That's a working definition of selfish.

[Drhamsterstortoise]

Yes cogito,whilst they are really lovely people and a very close family they are also indulgent

[Drhamsterstortoise]

I suppose at the end of the day..although he says he loves me and says he tells everyone what a fantastic job I do with the girls...I don't feel it.There was no kiss after baby was born,he comes in from being away with work and goes straight to cleaning a table or work top that has already been cleaned.when he does sit down he takes out his phone to play a game.I've had to ban it from the kitchen table because it obviously stops him from interacting with us.I also felt pressure in the bedroom about three weeks after baby when I had completely no interest.When I told him I wasn't ready yet he turned his back to me and kept going on about how we could do other things.