Is chatting on-line ever innocent?

[stickytoffee00]

My DP of 18 months has been chatting on FB with another woman. I am not sure if it is something I should be concerned about or not. I discovered this last week when he left his FB page open on my laptop (it is always open, he doesn't log out, but does anything good ever come from snooping? Its the first time and I really wasn't expecting to find anything). He spends a lot of time on-line, and chats with lots of different friends, as most are overseas. I see that he has been messaging this person on and off for the past few months, usually once a week, with a 'hi how are you' all very innocent.

Then a couple of weeks ago it became a bit more frequent, 3-4 days a week for a couple of hours at a time and they are now exchanging songs and talking about more 'stuff'. The songs that he sends her are ones that I know he loves, heavy rock, but also some lovely dovey stuff and he is asking her what she thinks about the lyrics. I know he likes this woman as a friend, he met her though work and although they work for the same organisation, they are in separate departments and work different shifts most of the time. I work with her two evenings a week. I have always though that she was very nice. A very kind and warm person and everyone likes her. She is married with two young children and I think she is enjoying the attention she is getting from my DP, as she is home with the kids during the day and her DH is at work.

My relationship with my DP is good. I have never had any reason not to trust him and him me. He is flirty and has lots of other friends both IRL and online male and female and I have no idea what they chat about, but I have always trusted him. So this has flumoxed me and I am just not sure what to do. Should I let it go and hope it fizzles out - is it every innocent to chat so much on-line with another woman? Or admit to him that I snooped and it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that they are exchanging these songs and chatting?? I have thought about saying something to her - asking her how she would feel if her DH was doing the same with another woman.

Perhaps I am just being paranoid and I should just forget that I looked.

[navada]

Hi,

In my experience I'd say no.

Sorry.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Many people enter emotional affairs unintentionally but building an emotional connection like you are describing is how they usually start.

How is the relationship generally between you and your man?. Do you readily talk to one another, has he become more distant emotionally. How does he behave when or if he talks about this woman in front of you?. This woman is no friend to your relationship either; both of them could be seen as acting inappropriately here. Am sure her own H would be thrilled - NOT - that his wife is sending songs via social media to some man who is also attached.

You acted on a gut instinct; that should never be ignored. You did not snoop, you had a feeling that something was amiss here and you have been proven correct. Also he had left his FB page open on his laptop.

[scaevola]

It can be innocent. The important indicator is whether there is concealment of the extent or nature of the contact.

Do you talk to him generally about how much time he spends on line? I don't think it would be right to try to talk to her about this. But you do need to be able to talk to DH about anything and everything, good and bad.

[BrokenBanana]

Personally I would admit I snooped and that I was a bit unsure what to feel about him messaging her so often. His actions from that point would then tell me what to do from there.

I've had experience of boyfriends chatting women up online and its awful. DP has chatted to women (and men) online but its all very open and honest, nothing to hide so I feel like I have no need to worry. It's normally when they go to great lengths to hide something that you need to worry.

[stickytoffee00]

Thanks everyone, that's what I thought, not so innocent.

Attila - we talk occasionally about her as we both have contact at work with her and it's just general day to day stuff about what she is up to with her kids and DH. He likes her a lot, says that she and I are the best people at work!! That should tell me something! She also texts me on and off with what she is up to. Up until this week I considered her a friend.

Scaevola - yes I think there is concealment, he has not mentioned anything about messaging this person when she is brought up in conversation.

I should have said that I initially noticed a week passed on Sunday, when he was messaging one of his friends, I was sitting beside him and he was sharing the conversation with me and I noticed there was a message from this woman in his list of messages. So a few days later I had a look when he left his FB page open.

I will ask him about her and the message, he doesn't need to know yet that I know the content of the message and take it from there. I hope he will be honest and open about it.

Thanks again Attila, navada, BrokenBanana and Scaevola

[skyeskyeskye]

My XH built up an emotional affair with his best mates wife. It started when he gave her a couple of lifts, she broke down over something that had happened to her a few years ago and next thing you know, they are facebooking, emailing and texting. He hid it all from me and went to great lengths to do so. He sent her "motivational" emails. She was the only person in his phone with a picture in contacts. Her and me were the only people listed as "best friends" in facebook.

His feelings for me changed over the couple of months that he started the contact with her and he walked out with no warning. He may have been unhappy, but he turned to her instead of talking to me. He talked about her all the time. He messaged her through family holidays and events and from 8am to midnight, all through the day, every day.

I think that you do need to have the conversation with him , but he will probably just make the contact even more secret. I found thousands of texts on XH's mobile bills and he told me that he rarely texted her!

Song lyrics and things like that are all to get a reaction - this is how I feel - kind of stuff....

I hope that you can sort it out. It ended my marriage :(

She is still with her H and still communicating with my XH as far as I know....

[wonderingagain]

I would say not in your case. You need clear boundaries. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same?

[wonderingagain]

Skye that's awful. Poor you.

[stickytoffee00]

skyeskyeskye so sorry to read your story. How are you doing now?

I agree song lyrics are to get a reaction, like this one my DP posted (hardly a song tho' more a love poem..):

Thanks wonderingagain, not sure how he would feel if it was the other way around. All I know is that I wouldn't do anything that I thought would hurt him or our relationship.

[skyeskyeskye]

To be honest, I have been to hell and back for the past 12 months because he walked out with no warning, so it came as a huge shock to me. I only discovered all the contact after he left for the second time. (he came back for 6 weeks because I begged him to, unknown to me , he was texting OW thousands of times a month). I have ended up needing counselling, anti d's, struggled with life and 5yo DD.

But I am getting through it. The thing is, it was all such a shock for me as I trusted him implicitly. He was not a womaniser, it was just circumstance and the internet and mobile phones make everything so easy now for people to do this.

It is a fantasy. They can send each other stuff and tell each other how wonderful they are. They can get sucked into it and start to think that this person is so wonderful, that their wife is awful. They start to live the fantasy that life would be so much better with that person, because they "understand them".

My Xh and OW dressed it up as support. He understood her but her husband didn't..... XH was always posting songs to get OW attention, they kept putting likes on everything each other did on facebook. He started to flirt with her... it just built up and built up. They start to like the attention that they are getting, they get a buzz from the contact, they look forward to the contact. They start to tell each other things that they dont tell their partners....

If I had found out before he left, then I would have been shocked, but I would have been angry too. I would have handled things very differently if I had known about it all before he left.

You are in a good position, to be able to confront him, calmly, and just suggest that you are not happy with it and that he needs to cut the contact. if he won't then that tells you everything you need to know....

[BrokenBanana]

Is he actually hiding the messages or deleting any of them? It could be totally innocent if he's not going out of his way to stop you from seeing them. Talk to him about it today, see what his reaction is like as that will tell you a lot.

[wonderingagain]

I have male friends in real life and Facebook, I am always aware when a line might be crossed and make sure that my attention is reasonably limited. It's what you do as a partner, it's disrespectful to be too chatty with other men.

[stickytoffee00]

Wow, so much of what you have written rings a bell skyeskyeskye. I can't imagine how hard that was for you, especially as he was not a womaniser and you trusted him. It's the deception that hurts so much. I hope you are getting through it now with DD.

Yep, I imagine DP does look forward to their exchanges and little chats about what is going on day to day and FB, messenger and texting make it all very easy to maintain this 'fantasy' relationship. I will chose my time carefully and see what he says...

[stickytoffee00]

Brokenbanana Not sure is he is hiding them from me, but not sure he would be willing to show me them either. That's the test isn't it? I need to ask him and see what happens.

wonderingagain Yes, we both have male and female friends in real life and facebook. That's normal and ok as long as, as you say, a line is not crossed. When we got together at first my partner and I spent many hours on messenger exchanging songs - many of them the same as the ones he is now sending to this woman, and that is what hurts.

[skyeskyeskye]

My Xh used to spend every night in the office, working, so I thought. He kept his mobile on him at all times, even took it to the loo with him, took it to bed. He texted her at 8am as soon as he left the house, then it continued on and off all day long. He started going to bed later than me too.

He talked about her incessently and started to criticise her husband all the time.

I tried to tell OW's H, but because it is his best mate of over 30 years, he refuses to believe that there is anything going on. OW plays on the fact that she had a still born baby 8 years ago. Apparantly my XH is the only person who understands her. This is the man who couldnt even hug me after I watched my gran die in hospital....

From the very first email that I saw, where XH told OW "you're a very clever girl to know so much", my instinct kicked in. The email came through on the computer and was then deleted asap, it was one in a line of emails, so he had deleted the previous ones before I saw them. After I mentioned it to him, he then set up secret email accounts.

Because it was all so secret, I felt totally betrayed by him. I still begged him to come back because I loved him, wanted DD who was only just 4, to have her dad around and hoped that I would have been able to forgive him. As it was, he was adamant that he hadnt loved me for some time and that was that. But his actions didnt match his words and he only changed after starting the contact with OW. If he had come back, he would have had to cut all contact with OW and his mate, in order for us to move on.

sorry for the long post, but if anything in there rings any bells, it may help you to decide what is going on and what you need to do about it.

[Distrustinggirlnow]

IME no it's not. It may begin that way but over time it changes, one message or chat every now and then is not enough so it becomes more frequent, progresses to photos, possible web cam, then meeting up....

Skye, some of your story is very, very similar to mine - 'working' in his office, taking phone everywhere, coming to bed later etc. all identical and huge red flag (altho I didn't know at the time).

OP, your instincts are rarely wrong, follow your gut feel, it's what it's there for.....

[skyeskyeskye]

I didn't see any of it at the time either... because I trusted him implicitly. he always had his phone near him for work, and if a text came through I presumed it was to do with work, because I was too trusting. He had the phone on silent all the time too.

After he left for the second (and last) time, I checked his facebook, saw the flirty chat between them - then checked his mobile bills online. I had access to his account because I did his accounts for him. The same number appeared over and over and over, and I checked it and realised it was OW. i was shaking like a leaf. Suddenly, everything that had seemed so confusing, all became a bit clearer... although I didnt want to believe it and defended him on here to the hilt. I said - but she is married to his best mate, he wouldnt do that to him, because I know XH so well, I just know that nothing is going on, he is supporting her blah blah blah...

I was just totally blind to the fact that something could happen, because I trusted him so much! But the very fact that he hid it all from me, proved the point, because if it was a genuine friendship, he would have told me about it, not deleted emails, texts etc.

I remember being on holiday and in the car he put the phone in the side pocket instead of the middle of the car as usual. He charged his phone beside the bed, not on the kitchen worktop. When he left it in the bathroom once and I went in there, he got really arsy with me, because I was, err, in the middle of something, and couldnt pass his phone straight out to him. I assumed it was because of work, but of course he was afraid that a message would come through for her.

He sent her motivational emails, things like Baz Lurhman's Sunscreen to listen to, kept telling her that everything would work out ok in the end........

all this, while leading me on pretending that he was trying to work things out within our marriage. He had me walking on eggshells, afraid to upset him in case he walked out again, and ALL THE TIME, he was in contact with her...

I only ever managed to see one text from her and it was telling him how sweet he was.....

she also seemed like a nice girl and was supporting me through our breakup

sorry to go on...

I think that of course men can have female friends and vice versa, but you must be totally honest, open and above board about all and every bit of contact.

[Absolutelylost]

My DH got very over friendly with a woman who was actually

[Absolutelylost]

My DH got very secretly over friendly with a woman who was actually one half of a couple who were our best friends, living 100 yards away. All the phone behaviour rings totally true.

It started apparently quite innocently, by her, I think initially he was slightly embarrassed and not sure how to respond. But we had huge business problems and his relationship with her was a form of escapism from real life. It nearly broke our marriage but eventually drifted away as we managed to get our own life on track.

I am hugely suspicious of friends of the opposite gender - I don't see any male friends unless part of a group. If he ever has a female chum again - that will be it.

[skyeskyeskye]

We never argued or fell out, and in the couple of months before he met OW, we had a lot of illness, all three of us were sick for weeks on end, my aunt died from cancer the week before Christmas, and it was the first year of my own business and very stressful couple of months all round. He never even liked OW previously, he said his mate was mad to have married her, as she was about to marry her first H when she started seeing his mate who went on to become H number 2....

she is at least 15 years younger than my H, blonde, pretty, and the sort of person who gushes all over texts, emails etc... oh you are so sweet and lovely, etc etc..... then one day, her H asked XH to give her a lift and it just went from there. she cried all over him one day about the loss of her baby (which was very sad, but 7 years ago). XH just fell for it hook line and sinker. Stressy wife at home, or young lady who thinks he is wonderful... difficult decision!

He fell into the fantasy of secret contact with a lady who thought he was lovely. While I rarely texted him through the day because he drove for a living!

[Absolutelylost]

Stressy wife at home, or young lady who thinks he is wonderful... difficult decision!

Exactly, sad, isn't it? And apparently I was being very unreasonable

[Absolutelylost]

For objecting to a friendship... Still, behind us now.....