Hi again. If this is long I'm sorry.
I'm feeling brave again so thought I'd post and try and get some good advice instead of insults like the last time.
Back story - been with DP for over 4 years, we have a 4yo DD and im 8 months pregnant with DD2.
He has cheated several times in the past and I have always forgiven him. This is down to low self esteem and him making me think it was my own fault. I chose to forgive him so I suppose I also chose to live with the mistrust and constant worry that he was going to do it again.
A couple of weeks ago he left his phone and I had a nose (couldn't help myself). I noticed he had been texting one of the women he had been seeing behind my back a couple of years ago. All the texts had been deleted but they were still in his call log (if anyone is familiar with a Samsung phone they will get what I mean) all the times and dates of texts were there for me to see. I text her pretending to be him and got some replies but nothing useful. It turned out she was on her way to the pub he was in so they would have realised I had his phone.
He came home that night and nothing was said at all about it. He never even mentioned leaving his phone and he brought a friend back with him so I decided not to confront him but wait and try and catch him out.
He stayed out all night a couple of weeks ago, told me he was at his friends house but when I asked his friend he said he never stayed there and made it clear he wasn't happy about being used as a lie. When I confronted DP he went off on one saying his friend was lying, he had stayed there and his friend was so drunk he couldn't remember. I knew there and then DP was the one lying because he couldn't look me in the eye and got really defensive. I'm very good at reading people.
Fast forward a week and I've hardly slept. I feel sick because I am now 99% sure he has been seeing her behind my back again. He leaves for work at 6am and doesn't come home until 10pm or later every night of the week and at weekends he's out all day and night sometimes not coming home at all. They text quite a lot judging by the call log and facebook messages from months ago show he has been going up to her house quite often for a 'smoke'
I don't want to confront without solid proof because I won't win the argument and he will make me feel like it's all in my head and I know I'm going to end up feeling guilty and ill be trying to make it up to him for not trusting him like i always end up doing.
Any advice on emotionally detaching yourself from someone? We live together though I hardly see him. I really miss him sometimes and i have no idea how I will cope on my own.
Would counselling be of benefit to me? What should I expect when I go to see a counsellor? I don't want to come across as a victim because I chose to stay with a twat but im at an all time low and can't see myself trusting anyone ever again.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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Relationships
emotional detachment
bowlingforsoup · 20/05/2013 18:43
Again, this is meant kindly, but I think if you genuinely wanted to leave him, I don't think he'd put up too much of a protest, from what you've said.
I think if you can't see yourself with anyone other than a cheat, you probably need to be single a while and work on your expectations of how you want to be treated. There are many men in this world so have no conscious and can quite obliviously keep a woman "in love" strung along while making her look a fool.
Emotional detachment= stop caring about what he thinks, says, does, doesn't do, etc.
And you may not want to hear this, but you really need to stop saying you love him. Your brain gets a messing up every time you say that. You need your brain to be on your team, for you- loyal to you. Ten years from now, relationship distant history, then you can go back to saying "but I always loved him".
Treat him as though you would treat a check out person at the grocery...with civility, be brief, nothing personal or negative; do the transaction (whatever the conversation needs to be about then the conversation is done, leave it, and move on) and move on to what you were doing/thinking about when he interrupted you.
Do not pursue him. Ask for a conversation about relevant stuff, if he is evasive then take that as a "no, he is not going to talk about it" so you get on with it and decide/act as you decide because you will be deciding once you are away from him. If he protests when this happens, say that you tried to talk to him but you were brushed off. (And what goes around with that, comes around 
.)
And it is none of my business, and you don't need to reply to this thought, to be discreet, but as you are so heavily pg, it could be a nice time to stop having sex with him (if you have not already) and then just never let that happen again. He might then leave you....result.
After the baby comes you may want your own bedroom, or bunk in with your baby more like, and he may for awhile believe you are doing this so he can sleep. He may say when? then....well, it is going to be a looooong while as you are soooo exhausted. When he kicks off say nothing-just a blank face; when he threatens to get it elsewhere, say you gotta do what you gotta do- but don't come back.
It is hard. I am glad that you see that change is necessary and I understand that while some circumstances can turn on a dime, sometimes they can not. Take care.
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