Married Partners hurtful comments

[Mugofteaforme]

Ok I may be vain or have zero confidence, but when your brand new wife says she didn't like the wedding photographs then adds "I know we're not the most attractive people, but" it bloody hurts.

When I said to her once I felt old and unattractive she simply said "but your my old and unattractive" (I'm six years older and just turned 40)

Do other couples do this type of thing? I'd like to know.

[garlicgrump]

Didn't she do this type of thing before you got married?

Some people just do talk in put-downs all the time. If she and her family speak to each other with "affectionate insults", it's just a habit. Maybe you could make the point that you only hear the insult, and would like a straight-forward compliment now and again? Also, how do you compliment her?

[hellsbellsmelons]

"I know we're not the most attractive people, but"

Sounds like she doesn't rate herself very highly and maybe it makes her feel better to put you down too.

No, it's not normal at all. You should be making each other feel loved and cherished.

You need to sit down together and have a conversation about all of this. Tell her how you feel about her comments.

Happiness with your partner is not about looks. She must have agreed to marry you for many reasons. You need to get back to basics on this.

Good luck!

[Hassled]

I think you're having a self-esteem/body confidence wobble and are maybe taking things too personally as a result.

She included herself in the "not the most attractive people" comment - so it wasn't a dig aimed solely at you. And the "but you're my old and unattractive" comment seems quite sweet to me. Is your sex life OK?

You need to talk to her, calmly. Tell her you don't like it and it's making you feel a bit crap. I'm sure she'd be mortified.

[Mumsyblouse]

Depends- me and my husband joke about our weight gain and wrinkles and general haggard looks a decade or so on, but we also clearly fancy each other and don't think we look too bad for our age. So it's all about the context really- if you say 'I feel old and unattractive' what did you expect her to say 'oh, darling, no you are not' - what she said was not that bad really, trying to make a humorous joke about how much she likes you. If you genuinely feel bad about your appearance, then what's stopping you working on it, or why have you lost your confidence?

[MisForMumNotMaid]

My husband suffers from anxiety and depression. Within this he can be very derogatory to himself and in turn its very insulting to me.

Stating that you're old and unattractive is also like saying to her 'you've got no taste and scraped the barrel', hence shes not worth much either. I think that her retourt was polite and niped the albeit momentary potential self pitty in the bud.

I don't think its odd to reach mid thirties/ early forties and acknowledge you're not going to be a supermodel, ballet dancer or pro footballer. Thats being comfortable in your own skin isn't it?

We're all falible, we all have moments of vunerability but shes not your emotional prop. Emotional confidence has to start from within by liking yourself.

I did say that we didn't quite capture the type of images glossy photo mags would be after with our wedding snaps but we do have a selection of them in the corner of our lounge. So i guess I have said similar.

[KittyVonCatsworth]

It's downright hurtful. Even if it is a confidence issue with her, to bring you down is not acceptable. My partner and I will never set the world on fire by being the next Posh and Becks, but we set our world on fire because we loves, fancy and respect one another.

If I ever say 'ugh, I'm putting on weight/skin is a mess' he reassures me that I'm beautiful. Likewise, when he's concerned about his tummy/going grey, I reaffirm that I love and fancy him more everyday. Pukesville, maybe, but mutually supporting one another when were wobbly.

We're not always pukey: his nickname for me is sugar tits, and he's furryturd. We always try and outdo insulting names to, but instinctively know when either one is not feeling right.

[unapologetic]

Depending on the way she said it and the mood you were in, this could have been really funny! You could have laughed together about it, knowing at heart you love each other.

I must say though, if my man said he was 'unattractive', I would say, 'Well I think you're gorgeous!' And he's really not god's gift by the way but it doesn't matter when you like/love/fancy someone.

[Smartiepants79]

It does depend on HOW it was said.
Personally, I would think it was meant as a joke as it was coming from someone who loved me enough to marry me.
It sounds like she doesn't set much store by just looks.
If it bothers you that much then a calm, quite chat is in order.

[Mugofteaforme]

Thank you all for your replies..

Well thinking about it the "but your my old and unattractive" I might take for endearment, but the Wedding photo part was said so straightly. I've never known her make negative comments proceeding that. I'm not expecting confirmation of physical attractiveness (although I have had it randomly in previous relationships), but the thought of her secretly viewing me in this way actually makes me very sad.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My reaction to "I know we're not the most attractive people, but" would have been ... 'speak for yourself!'. Whenever I and my current squeeze have wobbles about our age/appearance/arse-sagginess we always reassure each other that we are bloody gorgeous and irresistible. She sounds like a miserable cow... sorry.

[Mugofteaforme]

Cheers Cognito. I'd probley feel a total git for saying that, but it certainly crossed my mind! :)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If I was in a relationship with a man and he effectively said to me 'you're an ugly old bat but you'll do for me...' I'd be packing his bags. I don't think that makes me a total git, I just have more self-respect than to tolerate insults.

[Mugofteaforme]

Yes I totally agree. I like your attitude. Tricky when you're newly married though.

[ArbitraryUsername]

I'm not sure it is intended as a put down.

Saying that 'you're my old and unattractive' in response to a comment about how old and unattractive you are is surely an attempt to boost confidence. You might have wanted her to tell you that, you are wonderful and gorgeous, but that might be more about you than her (and I don't mean that unkindly).

Similarly, 'I know we're not the most attractive people, but [we look a lot better than you'd think from looking at these photos]' is not actually saying you are ugly. It could easily just be self-depreciating humour, and a comment on the awfulness of the photography. If she really thought you were ugly, she wouldn't be commenting on bad photography making you look crap (she'd just have thought, 'oh well, ugly people look bad in photos' or something similar).

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Tricky when you're newly married though."

Don't stand on ceremony just because of timing. If something annoys or upsets you better to have it out now and nip it in the bud rather than let her carry blithely on and it lead to distress or resentment. Same applies to any other niggles..

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"self-depreciating humour"

Self-deprecating humour would be 'I'm not the most attractive person'... not 'we'. 'We' makes it an insult. It's the same when someone says 'I need to lose a few pounds, I hate being such a fat bastard'... that's self-deprecating. When they add 'you know how that feels right?'.... that's insulting.

[garlicgrump]

There was a reason I asked if cheery put-downs are usual for her, or if it started with the wedding. Domestic abuse tends to begin when the bullying partner feels they've 'secured' their victim, often upon marriage. Obviously I'm not calling "LTB" on the basis of a couple of throwaway comments! But perhaps you'd do well to keep a healthy 'emotional audit' of your new marriage - and, certainly, call her out when she hurts your feelings.

[garlicgrump]

I agree with others, that it sounds as though DW has a poor opinion of her own looks, therefore "needs" to have a poor opinion of yours to convince herself she's good enough for you ... that is massively dysfunctional, though. I think it's worth keeping an eye on, and discussing properly with her when you get a chance.

[Smartiepants79]

You do really need to talk to her.
I love my DH very much and think he is lovely but I can imagine me saying something like this. I am quite a self-depreciating kind of person and it would definitely be a 'joke'.
Maybe she was extremely disappointed with the wedding pictures and was trying to make light of it (I would be devastated if my wedding pics were crap)
Is she fishing for compliments?
She needs to know that she has genuinely hurt your feelings, I'm sure she'd be mortified if she knew.

[moleavenger]

My mother does this. She says thing like "face it, we're fat, it's futile for us to try to lose weight." It's when one person sees you as an extension on them and themselves as an extension as you. She doesn't see you as separate. Now you've merged with her you are just as unattractive as she sees herself.

[moleavenger]

TYPO; extension OF them