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Men punching things?

(21 Posts)
SquirrelNuts Sat 18-May-13 13:19:25

I'm feeling really confused about things, I had a very strained relationship with my father he has a horrible temper and once punch through my bedroom light switch.
Now me and d'p' we having a horrible argument last night (which he chose to start whilst the poor DCs were in the bath) I was coming out of the bathroom with DD (bathroom next to kitchen) and he punched and dented the fridge.
Hes also slammed a frame into the fireplace so hard theres a dent in that, and thrown a pen at me/the wall so theres ink all over the wall.
Is it normal to throw and hit things like that, I cant see how it can be but if not then why do all the men in my life act that way? is it me?
He doesn't even repair these things it seems everywhere I look I get reminded of it.

KittensandKids Sat 18-May-13 13:22:23

No it's not normal behaviour, your DC will be picking up on it too.

A lot of men do it, but it's not normal, it actually has term, basically redirection aggression at doors/fridges etc (and for now not you).

tribpot Sat 18-May-13 13:23:10

No it isn't normal. You have been conditioned by your upbringing to see it as (probably) normal which may be a reason why you've ended up with a partner with similar traits to your dad. It is not you, it's them.

It would be a good idea if your DC didn't grow up thinking this kind of behaviour - or worse - was normal.

SquirrelNuts Sat 18-May-13 13:30:38

I want to leave him, for various reasons his lack of personal hygiene, his laziness and his tax dodging mainly! but he always says don't our DC deserve to have a mum and a dad, do you want to watch you son cry as he leaves his daddy behind. What am I supposed to say to that.
After he hit the fridge I told him he could keep that, I know not the best thing to say in that situation!, his response was 'you aint having fucking nothing'. I've tried the council but they just put me in band D more chance of hell freezing over band I cant afford to private rent a hosue and then furnish it, theres nobody I can stay with, with 2 DC, I just feel totally stuck.

TheCrackFox Sat 18-May-13 13:34:56

This isn't normal - it is abusive. He is using the threat of violence (that fridge could be replaced by your face the next time he uses his temper) to keep you in your place.

Your children will more than likely be relieved that this smelly, abusive arse bag is not living under the same roof as them.

KittensandKids Sat 18-May-13 13:45:55

Yes no doubt your DC would initially be upset.

It's hard to get away you have various option, I would go back into the council and ask for an appointment and explain your situation, WA can help, obviously you cannot just call them and expect a house but if have involvement with them (councelling etc)and they know your circumstances they can write letters on your behalf and you would immediately go up any lists.

Another option for private is getting fully furnished, you would need a deposit and one months rent.

I would advise you to start a diary of any 'punching episodes' I took my X to court and had him removed for this type of behaviour and a bit more over a certain period of time and had him served court documents (I did have to leave whilst he had them as court gave him 14 days) then I went back home and he was gone.

Or there is the option of a refuge which in turn again you would then most likely move into a council house.

ouryve Sat 18-May-13 13:48:29

No, it's not normal. It's something my ex did a lot of. His abuse was mostly emotional and verbal and he never laid a finger on me, but he, too, put cracks in plaster, broke light switches, etc.

Flyingtree Sat 18-May-13 13:52:53

My ex began with punching holes in the doors, then a chopping knife that went right through the fridge door and out the other side as I stood there (it could have glanced off that shiny exterior and into me), lampshades, mirrors, countless crockery, my prized Poole pottery collection, and eventually he ran out of things to smash so he started on me.

But it's not necessarily a natural progression. I've always had fiery boyfriends and previous ones have managed to punch the air and nothing else.

MissAnnersley Sat 18-May-13 13:55:38

My ex used to do this a lot as well. It was horrible. He would punch walls, throws things like plates of food or empty bottles.

It's definitely not normal but I was in such a state by that time that it genuinely seemed like the least of my worries.

All I can say is that it isn't normal behaviour. Someone who loves you and cherishes you doesn't frighten you.

My DC has more than 'survived' the separation and is thriving many years down the road.

thepixiefrog Sat 18-May-13 13:59:34

It's definitely not normal. My df did this a lot, and sometimes DM or us were the targets. DB stomps about and slams doors, and occasionally punches things (not people), so guess where he learned that?

Have you tried women's aid for advice? Also you could report each episode with the police.

Pollydon Sat 18-May-13 14:14:37

No, this is not normal, & I would see it as a massive red flag sad

SquirrelNuts Sat 18-May-13 14:20:38

I will look into womens aid i've never heard of it. Would they be interested in helping me though hes never hit me or been particularly emotionally abusive. I'm so confused! sad Thank you for advice I shouldn't have been so stupid to think it was 'normal' I suppose.

LOLerskates Sat 18-May-13 14:24:40

Am agreeing with the others, it is not normal behaviour. It is an awful feeling to feel trapped in a situation, so I hope you find help to get out of it. Your children will be better off when their mum feels safe and happy, rather than be around a man who is setting that kind of example, and scaring them. Good luck.

BerylStreep Sat 18-May-13 14:25:39

Yes, give Woman's Aid a call.

This is not normal by the way. It is designed to make you fearful and to show what he is capable of.

NaturalBaby Sat 18-May-13 14:26:57

'do you want to watch you son cry as he leaves his daddy behind' their sadness will be nothing compared to the confusion and distress they may suffer watching his temper and aggression.
My dad used to punch things, I have punched and thrown things at times of extreme stress. We both recognised that it was not normal and took steps to diffuse our anger and deal with out stress. If your dp doesn't recognise that this is a serious issue that needs to change then you need to remove yourself and your dcs.

Wolfiefan Sat 18-May-13 14:27:49

This is a form of abuse. He's bullying you and behaving in a completely unacceptable way. Grown ups get angry but they use their words to work it out.

thepixiefrog Sat 18-May-13 14:30:25

You're not stupid! I didn't realise it was not normal for years.

0808 2000 247 is the number for WA, and the website is

http://www.womensaid.org.uk

I'm rubbish at linking but that's the web address anyway.

Just because he hasn't hit you doesn't mean he isn't being abusive. WA will definitely be able to point you in the right direction if you want to change the situation.

Naysa Sat 18-May-13 16:26:54

My dad does this as a form of intimidation. The next step, for him, is to scream in your face. If this doesn't work then he will get physical. It's a slippery slope and no doubt yoir children will be terrified.

Booyhoo Sat 18-May-13 16:33:27

no it's not normal. it is abusive. it is used to create fear. i would remove a man like that from my home and he wouldn't see my children again until he had attended the first session of his anger management course. if he wasn't my children's father he'd just be gone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 16:44:45

"do you want to watch you son cry as he leaves his daddy behind"

I have a friend that grew up with a violent father who constantly bullied and belittled his mother, smashed stuff and other aggressive behaviour. My friend told me how he felt constantly sad, angry and frustrated that he couldn't protect his mother because he was just too small. One day his father kicked off again and my friend (now a sturdy 15yo) punched the man straight through a glass door. The father left and my friend spent many years reproaching himself, quite wrongly IMHO.

I think he'd have happily traded a few tears in exchange for that experience.

DistanceCall Sat 18-May-13 17:08:34

He's speaking bollocks. Your children will still have a mum and dad. His relationship with his children as a father has nothing to do with his relationship with you as a partner.

And a violent father is a crap father, mind you. And again, nothing to do with you.

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