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I cant live like this any longer. I want to move away, DH won't and says he won't let me take the DCs either. Stalemate!

19 replies

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 13/05/2013 12:22

Firstly let me say that I suffer from OCD/panic disorder and am generally a bit nuts so have such low self esteem that I always think it's me in the wrong and I am to blame (shit childhood) so would like to have views on whether my H is right and it is all me. This has also come about after counselling due to the above.

H and I have been together 20 years. He has stated the following:

He does not love me, if I had not got pregnant with 16 year old DD, he would have left me as as he was planning to before I told him I was pregnant , we had since had 3 further DC with me not knowing he felt that way.

He has lost his family and friends because of me. He is not from the UK. His family were going to disown him when he started a relationship with me. My SIL's have never accepted me and ignore texts I have sent enquiring if they are OK. My DC never receive birthday/Xmas cards/gifts from ANY of his family. We were living in a rat infested rented flat when I got pregnant and it was my decision to buy a house with a garden 30 miles outside London when I was pregnant that led to H 'losing his family and community' apparently. H was an illegal immigrant at that time and working illegally and could not get a mortgage so I had to do it all in my name. His family rarely visit or phone although I have often had his nieces and nephews to stay for weeks at a time which has NEVER been reciprocated. I even got his parents out of a refugee camp when the country was at war, and got them over here to live with us for a year. This Xmas I felt really embarrassed for my DCs that I had bought all the DCs and adults in his family presents but none of them had any presents for them.

I have disrespected him as I put weight on after our 2nd child died at birth and 'why would I want to have sex with a fat woman'. I apparently deceived him as I was a pretty stunning size 8 when we met and he did not start a relationship with 'that', i.e. Me.

It is ALL my fault that we have lost everything financially. We made the JOINT decision to move to Canada when H was made redundant here in the UK. At that point we had a massive mortgage and I had been a SAHM due to having twins and having had to give up my job as childcare was more than I earned. We took a holiday over there and H had a successful job interview so we sold up and moved over. Houses were cheap, job (on paper) would pay more than over here so we were supposed to have been 'flush' for the 1st time ever. I was so excited. It was a nightmare, H had a near fatal car crash shortly after we moved over there so had to take months off work unpaid. His company ripped him off and kept him on a 'training' wage to deliberately underpay him (happened to lots of expats we later found out) so he did not earn enough to even pay the mortgage and we could access no benefits. We had no legal recourse as we were on work visas while permanent residence was sorted and it would cost $sss. I was frantically searching for work and got to 2nd interview stage so many times but never made it. We tried to sell our house to release the equity to live on while we rented an apartment but it would'nt sell as the market had bottomed out. We returned to the UK a year later £15k in debt on our UK credit cards as we had to use them to buy food/pay bills and for hotels and flights back to the UK and having lost £70k in equity on our house which sold 4 months after we returned for the mortgage value only as it was auctioned. It was devastating and the start of my anxiety/panic attack spiral.

My mother has cut contact with me completely as I asked her why she kept isolating me in my room and telling me I was evil and crazy all through my childhood. I had been having counselling to get to the bottom of my constant panic attacks. I was still blind to her fucked up parenting and had to find out if I had done something awful which she had kept from me/I'd forgotten otherwise why was I singled out and physically and emotionally abused so badly (I actually think now it was because she knew I was sexually abused and decided to blame me). She hung up and has refused to speak to me since. H has been telling me that it's no wonder my family have cut me off, they are as sick of me as he is. I AM a nutter etc, he does not care why I am in mental distress I should just get over it, he does not need to read anything/come with me to the Drs so he can understand my symptoms. This hurts so badly as if the boot was on the other foot and he was suffering like I have been, I would have done everything in my power to help him, I would have researched everything, talked to anyone, made it as easy for him as possible.

We have lived in our current town for 6 years since we came back as H was offered a job here. We have had to rent as we have never had the money for a deposit to buy a house and credit is wrecked due to not being able to pay off credit cards (I went bankrupt for that). We rented 3 houses in 3 years, being moved on by the owner as wanted to sell. We could not continue paying £1300 a month on rent and constantly moving so went to the council for help to try to get a secure home. After 2 years in temp housing, we were placed in a 2nd floor flat and are now being harassed by the neighbours. My mental health has deteriorated since we have been here with no outside space and being high up. Council will not move us. I feel like I am trapped in hell.

The only thing we have in this town is H's job. I have never made friends due to my mental health (I cant make conversation/maybe come across as stuck up/feel very ashamed of my living situ). This summer, DC4 is due to go to pre-school, DSs are moving up to secondary school (very few boys from primary school going to our local one) and DD is due to be starting college, no one else from her 'group' on her course so it will be a fresh start for all of them.

To this end, I have decided that I would like to move down to where I grew up (not great homelife memories, mother no longer living there and I have always been fond of the town). Its a seaside town and quite safe compared to where we are now in staffy central. We would have to give up the council tenancy and somehow find 6 months deposit in advance to be able to rent a house which are much, much cheaper than here and it IS doable. I have 2 sisters there who I would like to try to foster a relationship with and my 2nd DD is buried there and I would like to be able to visit her grave. The local college is running the exact same course there as DD was going to do here and the secondary school for the DSs is better. We would have to live on benefits for a few months until we could find jobs or H could stay at his darling brother's an hour from his work for a few months and continue in his current job until I find one. I am hoping the move get me out of my current rut and will motivate me to get my shit together.

I would also ideally like to get rid of H but am loathe to because of the DCs obviously. H has said there is no way that he moving down there. HE is settled in his job and it is because I wanted us to move to Canada that we're in this mess blah blah. I said I would move alone then but he has said that I'm not taking his kids etc and I KNOW he will get nasty. I have nothing and nobody where we are. We will have to continue to live in this horrible flat for 3/4 years as H has point blank refused to rent privately here as well. It feels like he is punishing Me for life being so hard and for our financial situation stating that HE has always worked ignoring the fact that I have worked and earnt a lot more than him and have been bringing up the DC practically as a single mother due to his working hours.

Yesterday, his day off, I had to take the DCs out on my own as they can't be stuck indoors all day (no garden) and he REFUSED to go out as he wanted to watch TV. I fucking hate him really.

Do I really have to stay in his hell because he is happy with it? I don't know if I have the courage to go it alone. WWYD?

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LibertineLover · 13/05/2013 12:36

Oh love, you have had a terrible time haven't you?

short answer, leave the useless bastard, you can do this alone, he is just dragging you down.

yes, he probably would try and get nasty, but what could he do? If you're thinking...take the kids...No, he couldn't