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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

no spark...

21 replies

CodLiverOil556 · 06/05/2013 12:45

hi all,

I'm in a new relationship and feel no spark at all, he is absolutely besotted by me and am finding it a bit overwhelming, is this normal?

he buys me lots of things he knows I like, he's lovely and very thoughtful, I feel like a total cowbag.

what should I do?

OP posts:

Report

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/05/2013 12:50

Be kind and set him free.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/05/2013 12:58

Definitely cut him loose and don't give it a second thought. He sounds horribly clingy and needy.... bleurrrrgh.

CodLiverOil556 · 06/05/2013 12:59

you're right cognito, he changes his opinion so it matches mine, yes I think I need to cut him loose

OP posts:

CodLiverOil556 · 06/05/2013 13:00

sorry cogito

OP posts:

Poohbearandpiglet · 06/05/2013 14:25

You know what, ten years ago I'd have said move on, definitely! (and have done myself) BUT, with a bit more experience under my belt I'd be inclined to give it a couple more dates as he sounds nice (why necessarily would he be thought of as 'clingy' if he's just really into you?) but if you do that, be upfront with him about the spark thing so he can choose whether or not he wants to carry on.
Maybe I've just got less picky more desperate the older I've got.. (and I'm a complete sucker for really kind nice geeky men!)

Mumsyblouse · 06/05/2013 14:48

Noooo, why would you be in a relationship where you don't feel any chemistry or spark? I find it's mainly the chemistry/spark that keeps us going in the hard times, that real connection. Sorry, but I wouldn't be carrying on with someone just because they were nice to me, that's quite a normal behaviour and I really don't think you should form a long-term relationship with somone just because they are not horrible!

Poohbearandpiglet · 06/05/2013 16:12

Yes, but haven't you ever found chemistry to develop the more you got to know someone?? like when you work with someone then suddenly realise you have feelings for them when you realise how funny they are for instance?
I don't think you should go out with someone just because they are nice, but I think having an open mind sometimes brings surprising results!

Mondrian · 06/05/2013 16:16

In the end we all have to make a compromise, question is what on?

startlife · 06/05/2013 16:46

How long have you been together? I would be cautious as my ex was like this. We just seemed to agree on most things, he was gentle, appeared so steady, always upbeat and not angry, he was obviously besotted with me and he seemed perfect.

Some years down the line I finally realised he is very passive aggressive, he never showed he disagreed with me or displayed anger but he was often angry. That anger would come out in a numerous ways mostly by sabotaging things in my life.

I would say trust your instinct - you know something isn't right.Completely agree about the spark (respect, likeability) that's needed to get a couple through the tough times..The early days are as good as it will get..Is it really enough to for 20/30/40 years?

Poohbearandpiglet · 06/05/2013 16:58

Crikey Startlife :( very unlucky

Has no-one had a spark develop after knowing someone a while then??! I've known couples start out as friends and openly admit they didn't fancy each other at first, be interesting to hear some experiences..

Agree about the too nice thing and how it can mask passive-aggressiveness or anger issues. From what the OP wrote, I just assumed he was really into her! (didn't see the agreeing with everything bit must admit..)

CodLiverOil556 · 06/05/2013 17:26

we've been together 2 months, sex isn't great, I certainly don't want to jump in the sack every time I see him, it's doomed I think

OP posts:

Poohbearandpiglet · 06/05/2013 17:49

hmm yes, in that case quite possibly doomed..2 months is definitely giving it a fair go.
I do think sex is a big part of a relationship..and much as I didn't feel that much on first date with xP (just thought he was nice) I damn well wanted to jump him by the third date and we couldn't keep our hands off each other after that.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

ALittleStranger · 06/05/2013 17:57

I think it's the fact that the sex is crap that is the killer. Plenty of couples meet as friends or colleagues, don't have a spark and then attraction grows over time. But the point is there is attraction and when they finally get together it works. You've skipped the whole "wait and see what happens" stage and it's not working. Is it a skill problem, or do you just not fancy him?

EllaFitzgerald · 06/05/2013 18:24

If he's changing his opinions to match yours, then I'd be questioning whether you're getting to know the 'real' him, or just what he wants you to see. Either way, if you're not feeling it after two months, then I think you've given it a good go and shouldn't feel guilty about calling it a day.

CodLiverOil556 · 06/05/2013 18:54

he seems to have put me on a pedestal and feels he needs to be amazing at all times, he struggles to perform and this is really off putting

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2013 05:21

If you're not happy tell him to go smother someone else.... Really, you can't drag things on if it's wrong. You're going to hurt his feelings on some level but better now than waiting a few more weeks. You don't have to be 100% honest about why you're breaking off - and the desperate type will often treat rejection as a challenge and try to 'fix' stuff about themselves - just go with 'it's not working for me'.

Mondrian · 07/05/2013 15:28

Go on holiday with him. 7 days with you should calm his nerves and give you a chance to see what he is really like ... At least you'd know which way to swing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2013 15:35

Go on holiday? Wtf? You're as bad as Mr Besotted... She's just not that into him

Mumsyblouse · 07/05/2013 15:42

Go on holiday? With a man you have no spark with, sex is crap with and you are thinking of leaving? That is desperation to have a relationship, not a fair crack of the whip!

To answer some posters queries about can a spark develop, I think it can in that middle group of men you don't find repulsive but you don't go weak at the knees. I think it's very unlikely that if you don't fancy someone after two entire months (why go beyond a first or second date?) that any sparks are going to ignite, plus once the crap sex is in place, it's unlikely to improve with no sparks to fan the flames.

CodLiverOil556 · 07/05/2013 19:21

I don't really wany to spend an evening with this man never mind a holiday! Well I've done what I had to, I feel relieved but also feel awful as he's so nice.

Maybe if he wasn't a pushover, then the initial attraction would still be there

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2013 06:21

You've done the right thing. Now stop feeling awful and make some plans for the weekend. :)

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