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My husband is bored, moody, negative and controlling

(59 Posts)
Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 14:47:26

We have been together for 22 years and have 2 grown up sons. Both mid 40s. He has always been jealous, insecure which we have dealt with. I reassure him all the time and yet he is the biggest flirt ever. I have never and would never cheat or betray him. He however has betrayed my trust before. He is mentally abusive to me. He calls me names, tells me to fuck off. Calls me lazy, stupid etc. I don't respect him neither does our youngest son who has seen and heard his dad speak to me this way. He is a very negative person and is jealous of anyone that does well for themselves. We have a beautiful home, nice cars and money in the bank. We go out for meals regularly and until 2 years ago we holidayed in 5 star hotels. 2 years ago I had my first panic attack and gave suffered anxiety since. I have had therapy and they say its my husbands behaviour causing it. It has been terrible. I am on meds now. My friends have been very supportive he hasn't. He just wants his old wife back. He sees me as a possession. He wants me on his arm looking lovely.
He has stopped giving me housekeeping and instead tells me to put groceries and petrol on a credit card so ge can pay it off. We don't gave joint accounts. I have no access to cash.
He say he is bored with our lives. He wants to do things but doesn't know what. We have different interests. He goes out regularly with lads and I don't. He us drinking more and goes to the pub most nights from work. He lies to me all the time.
I have told him he needs to change.
His only issue with me is that I never initiate sex. I tell him it's because I don't feel loved. Also the meds I am on effect this.
One son has left home and the youngest is 18. My parents and friends don't like how my husband treats me.
I am scared to leave though. Please advice if anyone has any.

IamMrsJones Mon 29-Apr-13 19:36:05

Good luck! The appointment could just be the start of finding yourself again and the best move you've made in a while.

TweedWasSoLastYear Mon 29-Apr-13 19:51:04

Firstly . Well done for being brave enough to post on here that your relationship isnt all that great. I know the nice house and the cars , holidays and hotels must look appealing to others, but seriously .. being told to F.O in front of your sons .. one day soon they will stand up to him and it could spiral out of control if tempers get frayed . They sound like good boys , and you have brought them up well .

Secondly. If you are going to talk to a solicitor ensure you have ALL financial info to hand first . MTG statements , bank details, wage slips , savings accounts , share certs ,bonus payments . everything. photo them or screen shot if neccessary

wipe your history from MN as well , if using a tablet or shared pc.

Be strong , he has ground you down . time to get back to being you without this abuser round your neck,
oh and a small unmn ( hug ) and some flowers

nikaia60 Mon 29-Apr-13 19:51:47

He sounds very much like my XP, and it took me a long time to leave him because he had eroded my self confidence to practically zero with his verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. It felt like a massive decision to leave him at the time, and we didn't even have kids! I was a nervous wreck though, extremely anxious and unhappy, always hoping that he would change and that things would get better. Needless to say they didn't, they got worse. His behaviour got more and more extreme as he tried harder to control me.

Thankfully I finally managed to get the strength together to leave him and IT WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE!! I felt free, I felt like a weight had been lifted, I felt like the world was my oyster. I went on holiday on my own and felt so liberated. I never looked back.

I'm telling you this because I know how hard it is to arrive at that decision. I can fully sympathise with you, having children with him and having been with him for a long time. I know it's a very tough step to take.

Believe me, though, once you take it you will be so very relieved that you did. Life is too short, way too short to waste it on a weak, insecure, jealous old bastard who can't take responsibility for his own issues and bullies others to feel powerful. It's too short to spend any more time feeling bound up with anxiety, feeling unloved and unvalued (if that's a word!), being spoken to like shit. You deserve so much more.
Try this exercise to help you make the decision. In turn, picture two different futures for yourself, the one you'll have in 5 years time if you stay with him, and the alternative one, if you leave him. Think about them each in detail - what you'll have around you, what you'll be doing, what you'll be capable of, what will be important to you, what you'll believe about yourself, how you'll feel about life and where you're at. What's the difference? How much money is the better future worth to you? How does that compare with the financial difference between staying and leaving?

NB. you're much stronger than you think you are (we all are!!)

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 20:00:54

Good decision, OP

Don't tell him though, thinking it might jolt him into behaving better...keep your cards close to your chest

beachyhead Mon 29-Apr-13 20:19:29

That's a great post Nik...

Well done,OP, on two major steps:
Discussing how your relationship is at the moment and deciding to see someone about making life better.

Keep posting. There is a wealth of experience and advice here. There will be hands to hold all the way to your new life.

wordyBird Mon 29-Apr-13 20:20:12

Take small, baby steps Jamatmum. This will help to control any anxiety, and that sense of being overwhelmed.

Just do one small thing at a time, and gradually, a plan of action will start to develop. Solicitor's appointment is a great place to start.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 21:27:35

Try this exercise to help you make the decision. In turn, picture two different futures for yourself, the one you'll have in 5 years time if you stay with him, and the alternative one, if you leave him. Think about them each in detail - what you'll have around you, what you'll be doing, what you'll be capable of, what will be important to you, what you'll believe about yourself, how you'll feel about life and where you're at. What's the difference? How much money is the better future worth to you? How does that compare with the financial difference between staying and leaving?

Brilliant. smile

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 22:39:19

Nik - thank you so much. You understand.

The exercise is brilliant. I have actually done that exercise 5 and 10 years ago and I was having the same problems. Do I want to be saying the same things in 5 years time only I will be 51 then.

The answer is no.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post. I really do appreciate it. I will keep you posted

nikaia60 Tue 30-Apr-13 11:49:18

My pleasure, Jamatmum. All you need to do is to start walking towards that better future, one step at a time.

Keep us posted, we're here for you xx

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