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DH announced last night that he likes the thrill of the chase

(25 Posts)
bunsmum Sun 28-Apr-13 07:32:41

After sex, post coital, DH decides to start a conversation about sex "post marriage." He says he was so used to seducing before and getting a prize at the end of it and that the game of seducing was almost better than the sex itself (with these random women) it's now weird that we have lived together some years and he doesn't have to seduce me, I'm just there all the time.

This all comes about because I complained to him last month that we weren't having sex anymore. He barely wanted sex with me despite me being available for it most of the time. We had a big argument with him saying he's always tired/too busy etc. but now he's stepped up his game and it's got better.

But this thing has stuck in my head. Don't you think it's a weird thing to say?? Once you get married, the chase stops. Excuse me for now living here and no longer being the elusive piece of meat for the tiger to catch.

But then he didn't say he was missing it, he just said he found it confusing. Should I be pandering to this? Playing hard to get?? Letting other men look at me? Or should I just let it go? He is obviously some way dealing with it in his own head.

Mumofjz Sun 28-Apr-13 08:24:26

Was it his way of saying (albeit a cack handed way) that he likes the build up/flirting side of things before DTD rather than maybe no sexual tension/element then into bed and crack on?

Do you both still flirt with each other? Send saucy text etc? I used to enjoy the chase, the hard work put into look good, going out flirting with each other etc

Loulybelle Sun 28-Apr-13 10:38:33

I'd send him a naughty text, or cheekily grope him in public, i love the build up beforehand.

dogsandcats Sun 28-Apr-13 10:44:00

Things change after marriage.
This is one of them.
Sounds like he was just thinking out loud to me.

I wouldnt be concerned.
But I would bring up the subject sometime, casually, when there is nothing much else going on, and see what he says.

glasscompletelybroken Sun 28-Apr-13 12:18:15

I think it is true of most men - yours is just honest enough to say it. It doesn't mean he is going to go and chase other women, it's just a fact. My DH says things like this and I used to worry about it but I don't let it worry me anymore because I would prefer that he was honest about what he feels and I know he would never be unfaithful.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 30-Apr-13 00:08:24

Um, not sure what you meant by "being available for it" but did he mean he wanted you to seduce him?

Snazzynewyear Tue 30-Apr-13 00:12:05

That is a slightly odd thing to say. Channelling Gwen from Gavin and Stacey a bit, have you thought of role play so you could be the chase again? (or vice versa?)

Do you have any reason not to trust him?

KeatsiePie Tue 30-Apr-13 00:13:14

Excuse me for now living here this made me laugh. But I know it's not a funny problem to have. Can you ask him if he'd like you to play hard-to-get? Or you could just try flirting, but drawing it out so that he has to work for it a little, and see if he likes it?

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 00:16:51

How long was the period where you weren't having sex, despite you making overtures ? Did you believe his excuses for him not wanting to have sex with you ?

I would actually be a bit concerned about the juxtaposition of this episode and him musing rather ruefully that he no longer gets to experience the "thrill of the chase"

I don't wish to put ideas in your head, but I would have a beeping noise going off in my head in your position.

virgilsmuse Tue 30-Apr-13 09:46:49

How long was the period where you weren't having sex, despite you making overtures ? Did you believe his excuses for him not wanting to have sex with you ?

Can a man not want to have sex without it being an 'excuse' or a possible affair! If OP was a man we would all be saying she's pressuring her DP into sex and completely out of order!

To the OP would say he is probably just missing some excitement...please don't start thinking he may be cheating unless you have grounds to believe it outside of what he said.

It's not your obligation to inject excitement back in of course, it's both of yours. The fact that you're 'available' all the time though maybe is something to do with it, in reference to what he said.

arsenaltilidie Thu 02-May-13 00:06:48

Do not analyse it.
Sometimes women forget we are direct. No thee meaning other than what was said.

As a man who's been with DW I feel it from time to time. But still find her sexy as hell.

God I'm glad I don't have to suffer all this sort of mind-fuckery.

Make a cake tomorrow.

Stop Makiong yourself 'available'. You're not a free bus ffs.

Tell your baby-husband that you're considering having sex with the your accountant/lawyer/ his best friend as they are hung like baboons.

Hissy Thu 02-May-13 00:32:15

You know what? I'd suggest setting up dates. Get ready and dressed up, the pair of you, and meet/go out.

Relationships are great, and most of them are healthy. Keeping the momentum going is a challenge for everyone.

Go out, the pair of you and TALK. Just you and him. be a couple.

It's worth a try. don't analyse it.

DistanceCall Thu 02-May-13 02:30:27

Sometimes women forget we are direct.

Forgive me while I laugh my head off. I had a relationship with a twunt who was congenitally unable to say things straight and who claimed that women shouldn't say that they fancy or love a man because they then become undesirable.

There is no such thing as "all men" or "all women" ffs.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Thu 02-May-13 02:33:36

So...he wants you to turn him down?

I mean, that's a possibility. You could turn him down.

arsenaltilidie Thu 02-May-13 14:05:06

Distance.. Didn't meant for that statement to be taken seriously.

It just sounds like someone saying without thinking.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 02-May-13 14:21:22

I am agreeing with arsenal - think he just had a thought, do you have the sort of relationship where you don't have to think before you speak iyswim?

Dahlen Thu 02-May-13 14:32:12

The trouble is that society continues to portray romantic relationships in this way. Things like 'the rules' are still depressingly common place and taken as good advice. Just as it harms women, it harms men as well.

If your DH is a thinker and an analyser, you could do a lot of academic-type exploration around this; it's fascinating. However, remember that most sexual desires are programmed into us a result of a complex mixing pot of life experiences, many of which are subconscious. They are almost impossible to reprogramme. But at least if you both understand it, it may bother you both less.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 02-May-13 14:38:52

I would have thought it was biology Dahlen. Both genders can chase, and I used to miss the thrill of the chase too (am female btw smile and chased men smile and caught them blush )

Dahlen Thu 02-May-13 14:54:41

How is it biology? Attraction is biology. Mating is biology. Courtship is cultural. In many - but significantly not all - cultures, it relies on there being a 'prize', the idea of a victor, which instantly introduces an element of predator/prey.

If you think about it from a sexual selection POV, it makes sense that those among the same sex compete against each other, but not that they seek to chase down and overcome the opposite sex.

This is what I mean about analysing things if you've got a mind to OP. It's really interesting. Your DH could learn a lot about himself and whether it's his chance to prove himself against other men that he's missing, or whether it's actually that he gets off on a bit of power play. Neither of which is wrong.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 02-May-13 15:44:37

From a sexual selection POV it makes a lot of sense to mate with the fittest, and if that means hunting chasing him, that gene is likely to survive.

But I digress. If current DP said that to me, I think we would analyse it and then play fight over it blush

PoppyAmex Thu 02-May-13 15:49:31

I'd be pissed off at the premise that "he doesn't have to seduce me anymore, because I'm available" and the language he uses ("game" and "prize") is questionable.

If I were you OP, I'd take him at his word and make him work seriously hard for your attentions from now on.

Helltotheno Thu 02-May-13 15:56:19

I think it's dawning on him that he's a bit bored with LTR sex to be honest, and I don't know that there's much you can do about that except play hard to get. But I also don't think you should tie yourself in knots over his comments either, after all you can't police his mind. What's he's feeling isn't down to you. Could Bad Things happen as a result of how he says he's feeling? Yes, but equally they mightn't and I wouldn't advocate you overthinking things and stressing yourself out in the process. You do have a life to live too smile

BalloonSlayer Thu 02-May-13 16:01:15

I think I might have said

"Well hey, I've got an idea. How about you say something really crass and insensitive, and I refuse to sleep with you EVER again for being a boorish twat, and you have to woo me and chase me and generally jump through hoops before you even get the whiff of a shag . . . ? Well done for getting the ball rolling, darling!"

monsterchild Thu 02-May-13 16:02:18

No sex for you, Mr. Bunsmum!

See how he likes them apples.

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