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affair heartbreak but dont know how to stop it

(63 Posts)
posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 16:59:52

Hi new here, and desparately wanted to come on and post, as i think someone may have some understanding and advice i am too confused at the moment to cope with really harsh critisim, though know i deserve it.
I am in sexless marriage, have been together 19 yrs, DH is nice man and great father to dds. But he just is asexual, as i hit 40 i lost weight, became more confident, wanted more i guess , he likes our staid dull life in the country andi want interseting travel, cities, people. So i did something i am not proud off and i understand if people want to flame me...but anyway i will say ...i met OM through an online site for married people ( i have now read some of the posters on here who found their husbands doing this and i realise how truely awful i have been). Suffice to say i just wanted some fun, some escapism, etc. And then we fell in love, well we thought we did. Fast forward 18 months , we were besotted, OM was always much more emotionally involved than me, he drove that side of things. At christmas time he started joking about us being together forever....i did wonder were this was going , as up until then we had both been adamant we would not break up our stable families. Neither of us bad mouthed our spouses, but occassionally i got comments about his wife which led me to believe she was very needy and he didnt get much time to relax do stuff he wanted etc. he works very long hrs, is extreamly successful, and she likes the lifestyle that gives. There is a lot more but i might give away who we are in RL , i dont know if she reads this stuff. So we get seen out having a drink by someone who knows them, that person tells his wife. It was only a drink....but wife goes ballistic and he tells all....including how we met ...i dont know why he didnt try to do damage limitation . She threw him out but he was leaving that day to go away for a week on business, cue a week of heartfelt emails back and forth , he was contemplating leaving , would i - yes....but the kids...in the end he went home, she took him back. That was 7 weeks ago, after the first weekend i emailed him and said i was walking away, we both needed that, he wanted to do the right thing for his family and me mine, and i wanted him to be happy. It was the hardest thing i have done, he lasted 36 hrs before was back in touch, and since we have been tooing and froing, hot cold txts and emails, i have tried stopping and he just reels me back in with a cute txt , and then off he goes again being cold and distant and then loving and fun. so enough i decide and ask to meet him...that is ignored ...it reached a head last week, he was away and i went to meet him. He emailed me the night before, saying he realised his behaviour had hurt me , he was sorry, he had been to councelling etc with wife, knows he doesnt want a divorce as doesnt want his children affected. no mention of loving wife but for 4 weeks hasnt said he loves me either. In the email he lays out the 2 options to us, one we continue to have a realtionship or find a way to, but this will be hard as he is being scrutinised , and asked questions all the time, it would be with a
" different intensity and different emotions etc etc for the time being "
and he could see that would be hard for both of us but mostly me . or we walk away which he said he feared would be too hurtful for both of us, and he really wanted the first option. So i went to him, we spent the night togther but it was odd, we had sex but it wasnt like before, it felt cold and functional, he held me for a bit and then i said " that was a bit crap" and we smiled and laughed , then we got talking , really really talking, we laughed as well and it was nice. He told me he had changed, how he could see the man he was 2 yrs ago is not the man he wants to be, he just cant figure out what kind of man he does want to be, he told me how hard life was at home, we were not looking for sympathy, we both acknowledged what we did has devastated someone else. he said it was still hour by hour stuff...and he just doesnt know what the future holds, he told me how hard he finds it to hear me being described in some unpleasent ways by his wife and how he tries to answers her questions without destroying all our memories despite this causing a lot of problems, but he could not answer my question that if he was jumping through all the hoops, trying to do everything he could to make it work at home why was he still wanting a relationship with me ? and it couldnt be just the sex, because if we do continue we will be months and months before we can spend time together again like that. But in all this he never said once what his feelings for me are, wether he has any ? wether he still loves me a bit, wether he misses me etc. However this man is very emotionally closed usually , and last 7 weeks must have been hell, so i can understand a bit. so the next morning we had sex again, and it was ok, and then we showered etc, and after i left he sent a txt saying " i dont know what to say except thankyou". i was vile back said some horribly things, but he kept txting all day and all day yesterday, funny chatty ones, but didnt give up and eventually i txted back and off we go again. I know this is really long , sorry, but i just dont know what to do ...i really contemplated leaving for him and him for me but in the end we didnt ....even though we both say we could see we would be fabulous together , we just couldnt do it to all our children, we both could see that also a lot of the feelings when you are in an affair are just due the dopamine levels in your brain being high and arent real feelings, i have never lived with him, never had to pick up his socks ....i said this and he laughed and got out of bed on wednesday night and picked up all my clothes, and hung up my dress....and said " there i can do it for you". basically mumsnetters i dont know how to stop this....i dont really know what he is thinking...am i just a back up plan if his marriage fails ? If a marriage is going to break up because of an affair how long does that take ? when do spouses get over it ? I am worried his wife will change and he will fall back in love with her ...and i will get hurt all over again....you can judge me if you like but i am struggling so hard with my hurt, his hurt, his wifes hurt, i am really not a bad person . so advice whatever it is.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 17:09:53

Oh dear.

This man just isn't available. He's both married and 'emotionally closed' and plays games. This situation is only going to get more harmful to you.

Is your DH and marriage really as bad as you say? Or have you rewritten you memories to justify having an affair? What could happen in your marriage if you put just a fraction of the time and emotional energy you've given a third party into it instead?

Or if that's a lost cause, then answer lies in leaving both men. Then take the time to find yourself, so you can make the choices that will bring you the future you really want.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:16:08

i know, i know, i just dont want to face it. it is so hard when you think the person you had that wonderful relationship is still there, when we were in the thick of it he was loving, caring, kind, and when i tried several times to end it he admitted how hard emotions were for him to express but he did ...i know everyone in an affair feels this...i had all the usual stuff about how special i was, how i lit up his life , how he loved me so much ...blah. I want to justify him staying with wife by saying well ook he is admirable because he is staying for his children...but i know that isnt really just it. But why not just leave me alone when i gave him the chance ? i dont get it .
as far as my marriage, my DH is actually not that bad, he understands i intellectually need more and i have a new job 2 days a week in big city ( you can guess were) and i like his company better now, but it is the physical side of it, i like sex, and he just doesnt . I have tried to talk about his with him but he wont , he just says he is happy as things are.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:17:35

He's not going to leave his wife, he told you that himself. He will keep seeing you for sex as long as he can get away with it, possibly with gaps each time his wife suspects.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 20-Apr-13 17:20:06

If you use paragraphs you may get more responses, I cannot wade through all that, sorry.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:21:53

Does your husband know you're having an affair btw or are you still letting him think your marriage is suffering due to his inferior intellect?

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:28:18

lovingfreedom - no my husband doesnt know, it isnt a case of his inferior intellect, it is case that i like challenges, and my DH doesnt anymore as far as my marriage suffering, i can honestly say during my affair i was a nicer person at home, a nicer wife, i was happy and relaxed and bizzarly my family benefited, as my dh doesnt sex , well i never had an issue over that part of our lives suffering. And i guess youa re right about OM, but he and i know the sex will be very very occasional, as he is not able to have any what he described as "freedom" at all.
I am sorry to the poster who couldnt be bothered to read , why even bother a post then

NotConnie Sat 20-Apr-13 17:31:45

OP, re writing in paragraphs, I was going to ask the same thing. It's very difficult to read your post without them and I had to give up. Alibaba was just trying to help you to get more responses, no need to be defensive.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:31:54

So you had an affair and everyone was happier as a result. What's the question?

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 17:34:59

Posy - I'm sorry you're in this mess - & I say 'mess' because that's what it is - nothing good comes out of an affair ( or very rarely anyway ) so get a grip & do the decent thing, which is to walk away from o/m before the affair destroys everything.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:43:35

sorry, i guess i am new to this, and feel so vulnerable at the moment that i take stuff people say a bit too much to heart.
loving freedom - no question in just an answer to your post.
But question was originally - how to people find the courage to walk away ?
Nevada i know i need to but just fall apart at the thought. and i know that the kind of relationship he is suggesting now will just end in me feeling further hurt but right now feel anything is better than nothing.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:43:59

should add - i know it is an unholy mess of our own making

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:49:39

Your post mentions two options and you didn't choose the 'walk away' one. You chose the one where you keep seeing each other whenever OM is free to do so. Do you really want to end the relationship?

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 17:51:48

If your not happy in your marriage end it. Get some dignity and read some posts of the women who have cheated and how they go out of their minds dealing for the devastation its caused. You might realise that you deserve more than just being another woman who might wreck a marriage.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 17:53:14

been cheated on*

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:53:26

sorry again, i can see rambling op not clear.
i told him i was going to walk away the first week after D-day. he went home from his business trip and she took him back, i wrote a nice email saying to would best all round if we walked away.
It took 36 hrs before he was txting me, and tbh i was a mess and just fell straight back into it.
The 2 options were in an email on tues, yes one said to try and find a way to continue the relationship, the other was we both walk away with the memories.
He then went on to say he hoped and wished and wanted the first option .

Xales Sat 20-Apr-13 17:55:37

You met him on a website for married people. What makes you think you were the first or only one?

He works really long hours and is successful. Not so many hours that he can't fit on a dirty little fuck with another woman. How do you think he manages to do his work and be successful? Because his poor bloody wife looks after the kids and does all the 'less important' family stuff enabling him to do so. She probably thought he was busy Wednesday working for her and the family as they are supposed to be trying again while he was busy lying to her and fucking you.

You seem to have no intention of ending this in fact you seems more worried may fall back in love with his wife despite the meaningless platitudes you spouted at the start about what shit you have done to others since reading on here.

I fail to see how laying on your back legs spread for some poor other woman's husband gives you a higher intelligence than someone with better morals.

You show no compassion or real care for the hurt you are causing anyone but yourself. It is all you you you. Nasty and selfish.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 17:55:46

Of course he wants the first option, he can shag you and go home to poor wifey. Get a grip woman.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:56:25

sorry loving freedom - didnt read you post clearly, i dont want to end it, i dont, i love this man still. I am having a hard time , as i know that i must but i didnt know i would feel so emotionally wrecked by it.
Loulybelle - i know, i am disgusted that i can be like this, i am disgusted that i have no dignity or strength of character, i am not normally like this and i guess i hoped someone here might give me some practical tips on just how to regain that.

optionalExtras Sat 20-Apr-13 17:58:02

I have skim read (no paragraphs makes it heavy going) and am pretty shocked at how self-centred you are.

How do you work out that you were "a nicer wife" at home while having an affair?! How does lying and betraying your husband make you nicer? People who are getting what they want are bound to come across as happy, but it doesn't make them good people underneath.

However you look at it, what you've done is selfish, cowardly and stupid (a dating site for married people? Classy). You have contributed to hurting several people and you are now getting what you deserve.

If you want to rediscover what having a shred of integrity feels like, you have two choices. Either you tell you husband that you are so unhappy with the sex situation that you want to separate, thereby giving him some kind of choice in the matter, then actually do it before you go looking for a new, unattached shag buddy; OR you work on your relationship.

(Third option - ask if he's ok with you looking for no-strings sex elsewhere. Not one most married folk go for, but you never know...).

But Stage One has to be cutting all contact with this slimeball OM who is not, and clearly never was, yours to choose.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:58:11

He's messing you around. It's a classic case of wanting his cake and eat it. You're kind of doing the same with your DH. The difference is that while you might be willing to leave your DH, this man will never leave his DW. You are the bit on the side. You walk away by walking away and cutting all contact.

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 17:58:12

Posted with paragraphs

Hi new here, and desparately wanted to come on and post, as i think someone may have some understanding and advice i am too confused at the moment to cope with really harsh critisim, though know i deserve it.

I am in sexless marriage, have been together 19 yrs, DH is nice man and great father to dds. But he just is asexual, as i hit 40 i lost weight, became more confident, wanted more i guess , he likes our staid dull life in the country andi want interseting travel, cities, people.

So i did something i am not proud off and i understand if people want to flame me...but anyway i will say ...i met OM through an online site for married people ( i have now read some of the posters on here who found their husbands doing this and i realise how truely awful i have been). Suffice to say i just wanted some fun, some escapism, etc.

And then we fell in love, well we thought we did.

Fast forward 18 months , we were besotted, OM was always much more emotionally involved than me, he drove that side of things. At christmas time he started joking about us being together forever....i did wonder were this was going , as up until then we had both been adamant we would not break up our stable families. Neither of us bad mouthed our spouses, but occassionally i got comments about his wife which led me to believe she was very needy and he didnt get much time to relax do stuff he wanted etc. he works very long hrs, is extreamly successful, and she likes the lifestyle that gives. There is a lot more but i might give away who we are in RL , i dont know if she reads this stuff.

So we get seen out having a drink by someone who knows them, that person tells his wife. It was only a drink....but wife goes ballistic and he tells all....including how we met ...i dont know why he didnt try to do damage limitation .

She threw him out but he was leaving that day to go away for a week on business, cue a week of heartfelt emails back and forth , he was contemplating leaving , would i - yes....but the kids...in the end he went home, she took him back.

That was 7 weeks ago,

after the first weekend i emailed him and said i was walking away, we both needed that, he wanted to do the right thing for his family and me mine, and i wanted him to be happy. It was the hardest thing i have done, he lasted 36 hrs before was back in touch, and since we have been tooing and froing, hot cold txts and emails, i have tried stopping and he just reels me back in with a cute txt , and then off he goes again being cold and distant and then loving and fun. so enough i decide and ask to meet him...that is ignored ...it reached a head last week, he was away and i went to meet him.

He emailed me the night before, saying he realised his behaviour had hurt me , he was sorry, he had been to councelling etc with wife, knows he doesnt want a divorce as doesnt want his children affected. no mention of loving wife but for 4 weeks hasnt said he loves me either.

In the email he lays out the 2 options to us, one we continue to have a realtionship or find a way to, but this will be hard as he is being scrutinised , and asked questions all the time, it would be with a
" different intensity and different emotions etc etc for the time being "
and he could see that would be hard for both of us but mostly me . or we walk away which he said he feared would be too hurtful for both of us, and he really wanted the first option.

So i went to him, we spent the night togther but it was odd, we had sex but it wasnt like before, it felt cold and functional, he held me for a bit and then i said " that was a bit crap" and we smiled and laughed , then we got talking , really really talking, we laughed as well and it was nice. He told me he had changed, how he could see the man he was 2 yrs ago is not the man he wants to be, he just cant figure out what kind of man he does want to be, he told me how hard life was at home, we were not looking for sympathy, we both acknowledged what we did has devastated someone else. he said it was still hour by hour stuff...and he just doesnt know what the future holds, he told me how hard he finds it to hear me being described in some unpleasent ways by his wife and how he tries to answers her questions without destroying all our memories despite this causing a lot of problems, but he could not answer my question that if he was jumping through all the hoops, trying to do everything he could to make it work at home why was he still wanting a relationship with me ? and it couldnt be just the sex, because if we do continue we will be months and months before we can spend time together again like that.

But in all this he never said once what his feelings for me are, wether he has any ? wether he still loves me a bit, wether he misses me etc.

However this man is very emotionally closed usually , and last 7 weeks must have been hell, so i can understand a bit.

so the next morning we had sex again, and it was ok, and then we showered etc, and after i left he sent a txt saying " i dont know what to say except thankyou". i was vile back said some horribly things, but he kept txting all day and all day yesterday, funny chatty ones, but didnt give up and eventually i txted back and off we go again.

I know this is really long , sorry, but i just dont know what to do ...i really contemplated leaving for him and him for me but in the end we didnt ....even though we both say we could see we would be fabulous together , we just couldnt do it to all our children, we both could see that also a lot of the feelings when you are in an affair are just due the dopamine levels in your brain being high and arent real feelings, i have never lived with him, never had to pick up his socks ....i said this and he laughed and got out of bed on wednesday night and picked up all my clothes, and hung up my dress....and said " there i can do it for you".

basically mumsnetters i dont know how to stop this....i dont really know what he is thinking...
am i just a back up plan if his marriage fails ?
If a marriage is going to break up because of an affair how long does that take ?
when do spouses get over it ?
I am worried his wife will change and he will fall back in love with her ...and i will get hurt all over again....

you can judge me if you like but i am struggling so hard with my hurt, his hurt, his wifes hurt, i am really not a bad person . so advice whatever it is.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 17:59:37

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it

Read this thread from a woman whos found her husband cheated, and now the OW is pregnant, now imagine you were the other woman, you really wanna be part of the reason this woman is struggling not to cry on a daily basis, if that doesnt make you feel terrible, then you are not a nice person.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 18:00:14

Posy- I know it's hard, but just coming on here asking for advice means you're taking the first steps to break away, but we can't end it for you - you need to want to do that yourself, & if you haven't got to that stage yet all the advice in the world won't make you stop.

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 18:00:21

he is a horrible selfish cruel man. Why on earth do you want to be with him ?

He will never ever, ever make you happy. end it, right now.

Then look at what you want/need

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